“Ms. Gaga, you have a phone call from somebody by the name of Somalia.”
One year ago today, the infamous beef-humping Lady Gaga was featured on the cover of Vanity Fair. *Cough..Putz*.
In other insignificant news on this not-so-historical date, a Koala bear named LuLu was breast fed by a cigarette-smoking Chimp. When asked to comment on the incident, LuLu instead burped a smoke ring.
Back to the story.
A non-reputable and overpaid media source heralds Gaga as one of the world’s most popular icons in Music and Fashion today. Poll studies show however, that the entire continent of Africa disagrees.
When asked, the same anonymous source claims Gaga was genetically stitched together in a test tube using DNA samples taken from Cher, David Bowie, and that cigarette-smoking chip mentioned a minute ago. The synthetic sperm was then injected into a Silly Putty Egg to incubate for six weeks, and reportedly hatched inside a young Chicago resident’s Easter Basket later that year.
The singer was later captured by a team of Hazmat officials with a fishing net, and shipped to Las Vegas in a wooden crate where she went on to win the World Series of Poker.
No confirmation of the integrity of these details were further sought.
The singer had very little to say to Vanity Fair worth noting during last January’s interview; however, when asked about being proposed to by an ex after breaking up, Gaga was quoted in the periodical saying, “How fuckin’ romantic, you asshole. Sure, pop a ring on my finger and make it all better. I can buy myself a fuckin’ ring.”
After the quote was released to the public, thousands of eager fucking romantic assholes gathered outside of the singer’s residence – each member of the Gaga rally reportedly anxious to ‘put a ring on it’.
The quote sparked further controversy in the eye of the public, spurring a scientific study on the effects of Hollywood status on the human brain. The study results uncovered by the unfunded and highly informal investigation were shocking.
Photo of Gaga sleeping on a Hudson Bay fishing charter boat in 1885.
The study revealed that Hollywood status causes the brain to retract inside the skull cavity, followed by a rapid puttying effect of the grey matter. In advanced stages of the condition, the brain then begins to excrete from the mouth in the form of tacky outbursts and Liberal political rants.
The singer celebrated her birthday on the red carpet of the Grammy’s the year prior, by breaking out of a human-sized paper machete egg that was purchased from the set of the (s)hit 70’s TV program, Mork and Mindy.
Gaga was carried into the performance by an entourage of neatly-shaved virgin men with small penises wearing loin clothes and work boots, and women sporting togas made from nude-colored shower curtains.
Samples of the faux embryonic fluid used inside the birthday egg – made from cottage cheese, maple syrup, and herpes – can be purchased at the online auction site, eBay. Average starting bids begin at $100,000 an ounce.
I bought three. And drank one by mistake.
It fell into my coffee this morning.
Shit.
Chowderhead
Chowderhead
The Unassociated Press
Sources: Vanity Fair, Metro.co
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