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Kinect 2011: On Rails Edition

Posted on the 07 June 2011 by Trigger
Kinect 2011: On Rails EditionIf you hadn't realised yet that 2011 is 2010+1, Microsoft comes along to hammer it home.
The conference started with a bang: live gameplay of Call of Duty 8 AKA Modern Warfare 3. It continued with with a "blip" when the dude's controller disconnected. Shootan Fantasy VIII has mad graphics, but as far as I can tell, Infinity Ward fired all their gameplay-oriented staff after hitting the jackpot with CoD4. This is basically Time Crisis with the ability to look around.
Tomb Raider was next with the latest reboot of the franchise: more blood and less tits are what execs think people want in a heroine these days. Lara Croft keeps talking to herself like the insane lady I always try to avoid in the metro, but moans a bit more.
Peter Moore shows up to say EA Sports games will support Kinect in 2012. Fucks are not given.
Mass Effect 3. Mixing rooms with stuff to take cover behind, and voice recognition through Kinect, you can now tell your squad members to take cover behind that wall in the middle of the room. Yay. No word on whether you can orally request a blowjob during the sex scenes. See what I did there?
Next: Tom Clancy's Jacking Off: Ghost Recon Future Soldier. Yves Guillemot attempts to irritate you to death with his accent, while one of his goons jacks off the Amerikkkans by demonstrating how to customise a gun by using breakdance moves.
Some dude shows up to show us Xbox Dashboard version 3174.2, stuffed with even more features that you'll never use, and allowing you to purchase even more content you'll never find.
Something about UFC... I think they were just warming up the gay crowd for...
Gears of War 3! Cliffy B & his bro Ice T play it for a bit, before confessing their love for each other and making out for an awkward 30 seconds. The game is the same as the first.
A Crytek video: Winnie the Pooh Honey Party, and a Rome-themed Kinect hack & slash called Ryse.
Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary trailer. The news had leaked before the show, so the audience remained flaccid.
Forza Motorsport 4. It has cars.
Peter Molyneux shows up for Fable: The Journey which is an on-rails Kinect shooter. The assisted aiming is strong with this one.
Minecraft Kinect. Whatever.
Disneyland Adventures seems to be PlayStation Home in Disneyland with minigames that are basically Disney-themed versions of Kinect Adventures. If you thought Skittles from 2010 was an awkward moment, the kids delivering awkward scripted "this is SO COOL" commentary are in a whole other league. Microsoft will never live it down.
Kinect Star Wars. The morons in the crowd cheer. "Lightsaber on". They stop cheering. It's a Star Wars-skinned version of Wii Sports Resort's swordplay, no more no less.
Tim Schafer reminds us that sentient humans exist and then subjects us to awkward gameplay of KINECT GAME Sesame Street: Once Upon a Monster.
Kudo Tsunoda reminds us that we loathe him and presents Kinect Fun Labs AKA Kinect Soul Shredder, which is basically tech demos of AMAZING KINECT INNOVATION that may or may not be able to entertain a retarded goldfish.
Kinect Sports Season Two AKA Kinect Sports Resort. Enjoy ur lag. Awkward sketch/gameplay demos by mentally disabled people.
Dance Central 2, now with more dancing.
Kinect 2011: On Rails EditionDon Mattrick shows up to spout the usual corporate bullshit that we hate him for, and then shows us a trailer for the big announcement: Halo 4. Too bad the news leaked before the show, etc...
Conference verdict:
Seriously? HAHAH OH WOW/10

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