I’m thinking that these looked way cooler on Usher.
One, I am probably way too old to know that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are in love, in that Tiger Beat Magazine kind of way that little pop stars who always want their pictures taken are in love.
Two, I am probably way too old to know that…duh…you don’t call them Justin & Selena when you tweet, talk smack about her stealing your man, or doodle on your Unicorn 3 ring binder. They are Jelena, people. Say it with me.
Three, I am definitely going to regret referencing Tiger Beat Magazine, which by itself has probably already sent enough tweens running to Wikipedia to fill a Glee Concert Tour Venue. I am getting older just by writing this post. Must be a storm front moving in…my joints are starting to hurt.
It has already been well documented in some Hello Kitty Time Capsule somewhere that Justin Bieber is the Luckiest SOB ever. Period. To Infinity & Beyond. If I knew back then that I could end up vacationing in the Riviera or wherever it is that they are making out right now, just by singing on You Tube….? I know, right? I would have sung more songs online than those kittens who play the piano. In fact, I would have sung a song with a kitten accompanying me on the piano. And another one jamming on the bass guitar. And it would have been one of those double paw kittens so he could really get his Hendrix on.
Why did my mom only put my drawings on the refrigerator, when she could have been pimping me out online? Showing my Crayola Batman ‘toons, though brilliant and borderline genius if I do say so, didn’t get me to Maui now, did it? And those tapes of me crooning in the school musicals didn’t seem to make it to the upload button either. I’m pretty sure that with a little more effort on someone’s part, that could have been me sitting next to Beyonce at the MTV awards in a booster seat, not the Biebs. But, I’m not hatin’.
That job goes to all the gazillion screaming tweeny boppers who are filling Selena’s inbox with death threats for kissing the Biebster. I’m pretty sure that the gravitational pull of the Earth shifted a little that day when all those little girls, all at the same time, dove face down into their Disney Princesses comforters to cry their eyes out when that first internet photo leaked (?) out. Only dogs could hear the high pitched wails as the internet lit up with Skankelena sobs. And it just doesn’t stop.
And neither do the pictures. I’m assuming that Jelena doesn’t live anywhere near a football stadium so they could take part in some normal under the bleacher make out sessions. So it makes perfect sense then that the next option would be on a yacht, or a private island, or Gilligan’s Island for all we know. Seriously? And you tell me they don’t know that there might be one or two photogs lurking around somewhere? Who do they think is attached to that snorkle popping up out of the water next to the boat? I guess that questionably posed kanoodling can distract you from the paparazzi.
And there are so many other unanswered questions as well. I can’t be the only one spending way too much time thinking about this subject. (Please, don’t let me be the only one….)
With all that time making out on the beach and the yacht and then back on the beach and then onto the balcony and then back on the beach…how can he not have a tan yet? Not even a sunburn. Little babies burn. Unless maybe Selena is gooping him up with Banana Boat, but they probably have people for that. Michael Jackson’s umbrella holder could use a job I’m thinking.
And whoa. Biebzilla. Put a shirt on, or do some curls, dude. If you know the entire world is going to be looking at your junk, at least have a protein shake. I’m afraid that she’s gonna break you in half, just like she broke all those little girls’ hearts when she stole you away from them. ”Nobody Meana then Selena.” Text it now to all your co-workers. With one of those sad faces at the end of the sentence.
But we all know that young love, and teen idols, don’t last forever. Sooner or later his voice will change. Or some peach fuzz will grow in, gross her out, and Selena will move on. Or another Jonas Brother clone will be created in some Poplab somewhere, and there will be a whole new face on your Kmart Trapper Keeper by Back to School season.
Which…whoa…means there is still hope for the rest of us.
I need to find a kitten who can play the accordion asap.