This post is an anonymous guest post*
I am so numb, throughout my life i have learned it is easier to lock yourself away than face the reality. Hiding seems so much easier, than being “real”.
I have many secrets, locked away, hidden from those around me. Why? because to share them and share who I am would mean re-living the darkest moments of my life. I have accepted, but I don’t have the strength to admit I am a victim.
I was a child, a tiny innocent child when my parents broke up. Since that moment I craved family, I craved a normal life full of love. As any child would. I was a shy child, quiet and I liked to keep things to myself. Which made me easy prey for my father.
In fact I wont even call him that, because he lost those rights…he is simply IT. At the age of 11, I started my periods. Life had already been hard by this point, and my father turned to alcohol most weekends, me and my siblings would have to care for him. Money was tight, and my mother had started a new family, a new partner and a baby of their own, it was so hard for me to understand.
I must of been 12 the first time, although it seems so blurry because my way of coping with it was to lock it away and leave it unseen, unheard of. That night he came into my room and touched me. I knew it was wrong, but I lay frozen in shock and I couldnt believe it was happening to me. He soon left when I started kicking up a fuss and raising my voice, he got very angry but knew not to push me.
You see it wasnt just physical abuse I dealt with for many years, it was mental and emotional.
It continued for years, the same routeen, forcing abuse upon me and then crying about how sorry he was, he did everything in his power to have me in the house on my own. 1 night I remember, he gave me alcohol, I was 13. It tasted horrible but he warned he would force it down me if I refused to drink it…and i knew he would. I did as i was told and that night I dont remember much, other than being sick in a yellow bucket and him carrying me upstairs.
I was due at my mothers the next day and I felt so ill, it was hard to be “normal”. Finally my mother saw the change in me, by this point I was starving myself to the point that when I was sick all that would come out was my stomach acid. She told me I would be spending the weekend at IT’s…and I refused. Something inside me told me I couldnt do it any longer. I couldnt pretend that it was ok!
I told her. Well…kind of. She asked me if he hurt me, to which I nodded. Then she asked if he had hit me, I shook my head to say no. She was in tears at this point, you see, this was the point she finally knew the hell I had been going through. From that day on, me and my mom have been the closest ever. And I love her beyond words, because she saved me.
It wasnt all that easy though, and I suffered horrific bullying at school…from the people I had trusted. My life was hell and I didnt know who i was anymore. It wasnt long before the whole school knew, and I was branded a liar…infact still to this day, none of them believe me. Its hard because I have had to live being blamed and accused of having a sick mind, when i know and those closest too me what really happened. It is a lonely world, when your recovering from childhood abuse on your own but today, I try my hardest to stand tall, because everything he did to me has not beaten me…he will never beat me.
I am now a mommy myself, I live in a lovely house with an amazing partner. I still crave family, I would love more children and to get married is my dream, but its not something we could even come close to affording right now, so it is on hold. I finally have the family I wanted, I so badly wished for, and its time for me to focus on joining it all together. Bonding our family for a lifetime. And you know what…I made it all myself!
Why am I sharing this? Because its important to share our experiences, whether it be good or bad. Because you never know, you might just save someone, like my mother saved me.
