I saw a review of Anne Rice’s book recently, and it got me thinking about how an actual interview with a vampire would go.
Interviewer (I): So, about this whole turning into a bat thing. It seems to me that a man is much bigger than a bat. Therefore, my first question is do you conserve mass? In other words, do you get really dense as a bat, and, if so, how do you even get off the ground? If not, you must shed mass, but then how do you get it back?
Vampire (V): I am the prince of darkness. I rule the night. I take whatever form suits my needs.
I: Well, that’s not really a proper answer, now is it? That’s sort of a politician on the Sunday morning talk shows answer.
V: [Bares fangs and growls]
I: Well then, moving on. Are you at all concerned about the many blood-borne illness out there: HIV, Hepatitis, Ebola, Rift Valley Fever, etc.?
V: I’m immortal. I can’t be killed by your puny germs.
I: So, that’s a… no?
V: Hrrumph!
I: Moving on. Have you ever had anyone put Vaseline on their neck or something else really gross–you know to prank you?
V: You suck!
I: One could say the same of you, my friend. Ha!… You know… because you suck on people’s necks… Well, then, moving on. Which would you rather have: a wooden stake to the heart or a silver bullet in the chest?
V: Silver bullets are for werewolves, you imbecile.
I: Yeah, but it’s still got to be quite unpleasant, wouldn’t you say?
V: [Sighs loudly] OK, I’d have to take the silver bullet, but the longer this interview goes on, the more fond I grow of the stake.
I: I love steak, too, but that’s besides the point. Any way, who would you rather have as an enemy: Bram Stoker’s Van Helsing, who’s very smart but has no kung fu; or the Hugh Jackman Van Helsing who’s all buff and studly but not the sharpest tool in the shed?
V: It matters not. They are both humans and, as such, no match for me.
I: Really, because in both the book and the movie…
V: [hisses like a rabid cat, fangs out] Human propaganda. Are we done yet?
I: Not quite. What’s the hurry? Got a hot rendezvous with a Victorian wench on the docket?… Anywho. What would you say are the pros and cons of working the night-shift? I’d think it would be rather easy to get a parking space, but, then again, you don’t really need one if you turn into a bat. But, then again, all that flapping must get tiring…
V: I’m out of here!
By B Gourley in Books, Commentary, funny, horror, humor, movies on December 3, 2013.
