Humor Magazine

In Defense Of Pumpkin Season

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss

As the Fall season is upon us once again, I recently had the opportunity to sit down with Pumpkin and get his take on the new brewing trend of hating on his kind.

Pumpkin: It’s an honor to be here. I’m a big fan of Longawkwardpause.com. Although I was hoping it would be someone else doing the interview and not you. Like….I really like Katie, or Rants, Jack….really just about anyone else.

Me: Thanks. That attitude is probably one of the reasons people are starting to turn on you.

Pumpkin: My cousin just turned. Oh man, was he ripe! Haha! Just recently carved too. Some sort of toothless face. So young to go. Sorry…Pumpkin humor isn’t for everyone.

Me: Yeah…you might want to squash it…Haha!

Pumpkin: Hey! Is that some sort of Pumpkin hate crime humor?!

Me: What? No!

Pumpkin: It wasn’t funny.

Me: Ok…moving on…It seems over the last couple of years when Pumpkin season comes around, the general public is either loving you or hating you. More so towards the later. Have you, the Pumpkin community noticed this? And what do you attribute to this growing trend?

Pumpkin: First of all, I just want to say you’re stupid.

Me: Right. Of course. I expected that comment.

Pumpkin: Secondly, yes….we have noticed the hatred of Pumpkins has grown over the years. No one understands it. I mean…we only pop up for a brief time out of the year. Does chocolate get this bad of rap during Easter? No. Not at all! Everyone loves Easter chocolate. We blame Facebook and Twitter and that damn Game of Thrones meme.

Exhibit #1

Exhibit #1

Does Peppermint get this flack during Christmas? No! Everyone loves Peppermint! I hate Peppermint personally.

Peppermint: Everyone loves Peppermint!
Pumpkin: Hey! How did he get in here?

Me: I invited him. I know you and Peppermint have a long standing rivalry.
Peppermint: Yeah we do! It’s because everyone loves me, and only old people love Pumpkin. Like 70 year olds. With no teeth. And bad bowels.

Pumpkin: That’s not true! Kids love us too!

Peppermint: They love to stick a knife in you and carve you. They like to throw you. They like to stick you on headless horsemen.

Pumpkin: That’s not all! Listen! I taste great in coffee…

Peppermint: Me too!

Pumpkin:…pies…

Peppermint: Me too!

Pumpkin:…breads…

Peppermint:….

Pumpkin: Ah ha!

Peppermint: Zucchini bread is better.

Zucchini: Yeah it is!

Pumpkin: Look. Bottom line. In order to grow us properly, we need to be planted in late May to early July. This gives us a small window to be our best. We are only around for a very short time. Unlike Peppermint over there, that you get anytime of the year.

Peppermint: That’s right! Because Peppermint is so fine and sexy!

Pumpkin: Shut up! What don’t you add more stripes to your ass! It’s such a good look, you big jerk!

Me: Gentlemen! We are here to discuss the recent trend in Pumpkin disdain. Enough of the name calling.

Peppermint: Sorry.

Pumpkin: I’m sorry too…that Peppermint is so lame and the general public is too stupid to realize that. It’s not Peppermint you love! It’s the fact that there are Christmas presents to be had.

Peppermint: That’s right homey! My season is bad ass! And yours is full of little kids in cheap plastic Iron Man masks, and rubber spiders, and scary serial killers.

Pumpkin: Shut up! You can kiss my big fat gourd.

Peppermint: Such language! I wouldn’t expect it from such an orange-dented-and-dirty-on-one-side thing!

Me: OK! Let’s wrap this up. It’s getting ugly. Bottom line is….yes…pumpkin season is…well…seasonal. And we should probably enjoy it more.

Peppermint: Ever tried Pumpkin gum? Don’t. It’s disgusting.

Turkey: Gobble, gobble, gobble. Don’t forget about me! Thanksgiving is just around the corner!

Pumpkin: I hate you all.

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