My eyes aren’t sensitive to light, I’m not hiding anything, and I’m not cutting costs on my electric bill, but I’d really prefer to be in the dark as much as possible, and some people just don’t respect that.
If you’re pro-dark like me, you’ve probably experienced some or all of the following side-effects of light situations:
- A palpable feeling of relief when you extinguished an overhead light
- Murderous rage when someone entered the room and took it upon themselves to turn a light on without asking if you wanted it
- Extreme discomfort when you were forced to watch TV at someone else’s house with the lights on
- A small feeling of relief when a light bulb burned out
Now, when I say “darkness,” I’m not talking about the creepy kind of darkness vampires and hackers enjoy, with the curtains drawn and a flashlight under your chin for telling scary stories. I, and a lot of others like me, simply believe that when it’s daylight and the sky is bright, our vision is powerful enough to see everything we need to see without inviting an obnoxious CFL bulb to the sight party.
I’ve known for some time now that I prefer to take advantage of natural light or simply sit in the dark like a movie serial killer, but something happened at the office the other day that made me realize just how serious my light preferences are.
My floor was warned that the lights might temporarily go out because some testing was being done. I was at my desk checking BuzzFeed like I always never ever do, and as promised, the lights went off. It only lasted a few glorious minutes, but those fleeting moments were some of the happiest I have ever spent at my desk. In the dark, being at work didn’t seem so awful! I felt free! Natural light was flooding the entire floor thanks to our floor-to-ceiling windows, and the disgusting fluorescence that has an exceptional way of setting an ambiance of misery from the ceiling above was gone. It was magical!
And then the lights came back on, and I hated everything roughly 30% than I did before the lights-off tease.
Some people love light–like a photosynthesis level of light love. People like this are usually the type to see no problem with immediately turning a light on in any room they enter, whether they’re truly entitled to turn on said light and regardless of the fact if the other room occupants had already reached a darkness consensus.
Case Study 1
If you get to the fitness center in my office’s building early enough, half of the lights will be off, and it’s divine. Not only does it feel cooler, but instead of being a spectacle for the lurkers in neighboring high-rises, you feel like you have a little privacy.
One morning, I was in my half the lights off zone, when some ignorant asshole came strutting into the gym and flipped all the lights on, ousting me from the shadows and spotlighting my sweaty armpits for all of downtown Chicago. More importantly, I was in my zone, and when you’re in your zone the last thing you want is some thoughtless lighty messing with your mojo. What kind of monster thoughtlessly flips a switch like that in a place where getting into your zone is such a delicate matter?! Who was he to take it upon himself to turn the lights on? WATT THE FUCK.
Light lovers also seem to think they know best. Even though us anti-light people know our capabilities—when we need light and when we do not—too many pro-light people try to force us into accepting unwanted light. My own mother is one of these people.
Case Study 2
I’ll be sitting on the couch watching Pretty Little Liars (planning my wedding to Ezra Fitz) in complete darkness, when my mom will pass by, asking in a concerned voice,
“Want a light?”
Light people are so perturbed by darkness that they assume us pro-dark people actually forgot that using light was an option. As if we were sitting in the room with only the glow of the TV thinking, “I wish there was some phenomenon that could illuminate this entire room for me.”
Perhaps the most troubling of all light lover assumptions is that pro-dark people have questionable eyesight and doubtful familiarity with our surroundings.
Case Study 3
Pro-dark people will arrive home late at night excited to enter a dark house so that we might enjoy feeling our way around and risk stubbing a toe—it’s in these moments that we feel the most alive. Yet, upon entering a light will be on. Confused, we’ll ask, “Why is this light on? Did you forget to turn it off?”
“I left it on so you can see.”
Unless you recently moved into your house and you’re still getting the lay of the land, I think I speak for everyone in the world that’s ever existed when I say walking around your house in complete darkness is about as thrilling as life gets. In the middle of the night, when you successfully make the journey from your bedroom all the way to the kitchen to get a glass of water without reaching out to find where a wall is, you feel like you’ve truly accomplished something fantastic. There’s no intrigue in seeing where you’re walking in your own house; leaving a light on ruins everything.
If you’re one of the pro-light people I’ve described, please let the rest of us have our darkness in peace. We don’t need your help, and we’re doing just fine. For the record, though, yes that light you’re using to read is bothering us, and no, it’s not too dark in here. Also, buying light bulbs is awful, lamps seem like a waste of space most of the time, and there are a lot of ugly light fixtures out there.
SHE MUST BE STOPPED.
