It’s that time of year – when Weight Watchers tries to convince us to sign up for one of their programs. This year, instead of using celebrity spokespeople to try to create self-loathing, they are using “everyday” people and children’s songs. (Standard disclaimer: The Underpants Rule applies here, people are allowed to choose to attempt to manipulate their body size, including by joining Weight Watchers.)
Now, if people based their decision to join WW on the facts, and if WW based their advertising on facts, then WW would have a much more difficult job. Their own research shows that the average participant loses 10 pounds in the first year, then regains 5 pounds, thus losing 5 pounds in two years (and paying $254 per pound in meeting fees alone for the privilege.) Despite the fact that their Chief Scientist, presumably with a straight face, called this “validation of what we’ve been doing” this year’s commercial jingle is not about paying $1270 to lose 5 pounds that you’re probably going to gain back. I’m shocked! No, wait, I’m the opposite of shocked.
This year they’ve commandeered the children’s song “If You’re Happy and You Know It” to try to convince us all the we are all making “the mistake” of eating while we are happy, sad, sleepy, angry, bored, human, or having feelings of any kind, and, moreover, that we need Weight Watchers to solve this “problem.” I guess the idea is a life where eating and being a human being with feelings are two completely separate states (which, considering how their food tastes, might be necessary to stay on the plan.)
Weight Watchers has made boatloads of money selling very temporary weight loss – cleverly using the fact that most people can lose weight short term, and most will gain it back long term – by convincing their clients to give WW the credit for the first part, and blame themselves for the second part. But before they can do that, they have to convince us try their product. In honor of their choice to try to incite self-loathing through song, for profit, I wanted to offer a song for Weight Watchers that I think is a bit more realistic (as always, my gift to you is that I won’t be singing this, but if you want to record it then feel free to send me the link or leave it in the comments, and I’ll be so very happy to add it to the post!)
If you’re happy and you know it, we’ll fix that.
If you’re happy and you know it, we’ll fix that.
If you’re happy and you know it, then your money – you won’t blow it,
If you’re happy and you know it, we’ll fix that.
If you’re human and you know it, hate yourself.
If you’re human and you know it, hate yourself.
If you aren’t full of self-loathing, then we’re here to lend some help.
If you’re human and you know it, hate yourself.
If you’re sad and you know it, that’s just great.
If you’re sad and you know it, that’s just great.
Please forget that we’re the cause, just focus on your body hate.
If you’re sad and you know it, that’s just great.
If you’re coming to our meeting, we’re so glad
If you’re coming to our meeting, we’re so glad
The outlook isn’t sunny, but we’re glad to have your money
If you’re coming to our meeting, we’re so glad
If you failed on our program, that’s a shame.
If you failed on our program, that’s a shame.
Our product almost never works, but trust us you’re the one to blame.
If you failed on our program, that’s a shame.
If you failed on our program, try again.
If you failed on our program try again.
It won’t work this time either, but we need your money, friend.
So if you failed on our program try again.
Or, you know, maybe not.
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