So on Friday an Alaskan lawyer came into my bar. I know. I’m sure you’re thinking the same thing I’m thinking, which is: isn’t Alaskan law basically governed by Eskimo law and in Eskimo law don’t they just cut a hole in the ice and dunk your head through it until you confess and then they lock you up in an igloo with a polar bear?
Perhaps I shouldn’t be so crude in assuming that Alaska is less progressive than the rest of us, but I couldn’t help but feel disappointed by this man’s appearance. If you inform me that you are an Alaskan lawyer, I’d at least expect you to be wearing a grizzly bear vest or a beaver tail for a tie. You know, something professional but mountain-manish at the same time. But no, this guy looked like every other lawyer I see with a neatly pressed suit. He didn’t even have a beard, or any evidence that one was forthcoming any time soon.
Still, he was a nice enough chap and since he was here I decided to chat him up and show him how awesome we are here in California. To demonstrate this, I turned on my “law brain” and told him that I had recently read that here in San Francisco it was illegal to wash your car with used underwear, and what did he think about that?
He nodded thoughtfully and countered by telling me that in Alaska it was illegal to give beer to a moose. If this was his idea of upstaging me and my native state, it was working.
“Really?” I said. ”Not even a Bud Light?”
“Nope.”
“Well that’s a stupid law,” I said, but what was even stupider (besides the word “stupider”) was that all I could think of the rest of the night was how I really wanted to go to Alaska right now and hang out in the woods and share a beer with a moose because THAT sounded cooler than any law we might try to violate here in CA, especially washing my car with used underwear, which now just sounded lame and desperate.
For the remainder of the night I couldn’t let it go, and by the time we did last call I was sure that the mountain lawyer was lying, so when I got home at 3:00 a.m. I immediately got on to the Internet to prove him wrong. But there it was, no alcoholic beverages could be given to a moose, which meant something really bad happened to prompt that law to be passed, like public drunkenness by a moose or maybe it was a protection thing so good looking moose wouldn’t be tempted to sleep with less attractive moose. Who knows?
At any rate, I started researching other states and all the dumb/cool laws that had been implemented by some act of lunacy, and I was thinking that if I had a time machine I could go back to each of those instances and find out what happened to instigate those laws, and while I was there I could get the lottery numbers too.
THE 20 STUPIDEST LAWS IN NORTH AMERICA
1. The drunk moose thing is #1 since I already mentioned it (BTW, if anything should be illegal towards animals it should be giving peanut butter to a dog. Have you ever tried this? It’s cruel and hilarious as the dog looks like he’s chewing bubble gum and he’s constantly trying to form a bubble).
2. In Indiana, it’s illegal for a man to be sexually aroused in public. Seeing as a man thinks about sex every 5.4 seconds, this is like saying it’s illegal to use the word “the” in any of your sentences. Ever.
Also in Indiana:
3. Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.
4. Men are prohibited from standing in a bar. I assume this means it’s ok to be falling down drunk.
5. A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.
6. Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session. Hey, look everybody. Government officials acting in a hypocritical manner. Take a picture of this rare and fascinating scene.
7. In Texas no person can consume more than three sips of beer at a time if they are standing up. Huh? What constitutes a sip? And how long do you have to wait for the next three sips? This might be the most vague law ever.
9. In Houston, Texas, beer may not be purchased after midnight on Sunday, but can be purchased anytime on Monday. Can you see the liquor store guy at 12:01 a.m. Monday? Close your eyes and picture it, like he’s doing advanced calculus in his head.
10. Pennsylvania law prohibits a man from buying alcohol without a note of permission from his wife. I assume this means there is no sex going on in Pennsylvania either, as it appears that the men have vaginas.
11. In Georgia all sex toys are banned. Perhaps this is why people show up to Georgia hospitals with Coke bottles stuck in their ass.
12. In Missouri, anyone under the age of 21 who takes out household trash containing even a single empty alcohol beverage container can be charged with illegal possession of alcohol.
13. Ohio state law prohibits getting a fish drunk. But it’s still ok to drink like one, right?
14. In Saskatchewan, Canada, it’s illegal to drink alcohol while watching exotic dancers. Naked women and Diet Coke. AWESOME!
15. In Iowa, it’s illegal to start a tab at a bar. I believe girls think this is a law in California too.
16. In Massachusetts children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes. Wow, way to crack down MA.
17. Alabama law states that you may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. How about a holster?
18. Alabama: It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. I love states that turn common sense into a law.
19. Arkansas: A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. Do we still have a state that allows you to both beat your wife AND fuck your sister?
20. Finally, I can’t believe how many states have outlawed oral sex: 18. OUCH! Those men must cry every morning.
Certainly many of these laws are outdated and are not strictly enforced anymore, but can’t they amend them? What the hell are we paying these legislators for? They found time to reverse the whole burning women at the stake thing in Pennsylvania. Certainly the prohibition of blow jobs supersedes witch burning as far as cruelty goes, don’t you think? Couldn’t we at least allow the witches to give the blow jobs before we burn them? I mean, really.
By the end of my research, I didn’t feel so bad about living in California. Sure, our laws aren’t conversation starters, but I realized that I was taking some things for granted, like being able to stand up in a bar or purchase alcohol without written permission from my wife (usually). Most importantly, if a moose ever walks in through the front door of my bar, I will cozy up and share a beer with him and there won’t be a goddamn thing anyone can do about it. Take that Alaska!
Cheers, until next time.
The RB
