Hollywood, CA — Major studios have announced there will be no Christmas movie season this year, and forget the fall TV lineup. All of Hollywood’s talent is booked making ALS Ice Bucket Challenge videos.
“I thought it would be easy,” said Gwyneth Paltrow, who pulled out of biopic Sadie, the harrowing tale of a futuristic world where kale has become extinct. “But really, once you drill for ice 50 feet beneath the arctic crust to find some untouched by modern pollution, and then source the perfect Ukamba beer pots carved by African Nguni people to use at the vessel, well…there is barely time to talk to the water and judge the true molecular impact you had upon it before pouring it on your head.”
The phenomenon, which has made millions for ALS started as a fun challenge to raise money for a good cause, but as cuter and funnier videos are released, the pressure has almost become unbearable for Hollywood’s elite.
“I’d rather get married than have to come up with a video,” said George Clooney.
“I really thought I knew what I was going to do,” said Christian Bale. “But then Chris Pratt’s was so bloody adorable it was back to the drawing board.” Bale cancelled his appearance in the upcoming Knight of Cups to prepare for the Ice Bucket Challenge. “I need to lose 90 more pounds,” he said. “Then I’ll be ready. Eh… Maybe pull a tooth or two.”
Spider-Man 3 is on permanent hiatus since the ALS Challenge spun one of Hollywood’s cutest couples, Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield, into a tailspin.
“We were really just achingly adorable,” said Garfield. “Then Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner did that pool thing and… well… we’re devastated. We just can’t compete with that.”
Much of the music industry is suffering as well.
“I realized I need to do an Ice Bucket Challenge every time I’m about to fall in love,” said Taylor Swift. “It will save everyone a lot of trouble.”
Unfortunately, the move has effectively ended Swift’s career.
“Ice Bucket what?” said Lady Gaga. “The video of me stone-faced in black lipstick in a gimp suit pouring ice water on my head while sitting in a funky chair? That was just Monday.”
Few actors seem satisfied with videos they’ve created and are working on second and third versions. One notable exception is Daniel Day Lewis.
“I actually played Chris Pratt in the Chris Pratt video,” Day-Lewis admitted. “And I also played his wife, Anna Faris. I’m pretty happy with it.”
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Here’s Chris Pratt’s video, which was pretty adorable.
Wendi Aarons | Eliza Bayne | Dylan Brody | Matthew David Brozik | Becky Cardwell | Abbi Crutchfield | Sean Crespo | Gloria Fallon | Carol Ray Hartsell | Abby Heugel | Debbie Kasper | Nancy Davis Kho | Kelcey Kintner | Cathy Ladman | Kurt Luchs | Kelly Maclean | Vanda Mikoloski | Mary Laura Philpott | Lisa Page Rosenberg | Marinka | Arlene Schindler | Molly Schoemann | Susan Stobbart Shapiro | Suzy Soro | Amy Vansant | Peggy “Pearl” Vork-Zambory
(the logistics of dumping water on all of our heads was a nightmare, so this will have to do)
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