On second thought, I think I'll have Rum today.
I had another wake up call when I honestly think I almost drank myself to death. Yes, I think I almost died. Right on my bathroom floor. I had just gotten off of work and as soon as I got home I again got to thinking about how my life was going down the drain. I couldn't face it so I walked to the liquor store and bought a fifth of Bacardi Lemon. I came back home and drank it straight out the bottle until I started to feel extremely weak. Weak to the point were I was loosing consciousness. I hadn't ever felt like this so I stood up to just breath, stretch, shake, etc. I quickly realized that my body was not cooperating with my mind. My mind was telling me to move around a bit and shake the feeling but my body was at a total loss on energy. I somehow bit up enough energy to make it to the bathroom to take a look at myself in the mirror just to see what I looked like. My eyes were bloodshot red, my skin was pale and I resembled that of a walking corpse. I remember looking a myself in the mirror with total self-hatred and thinking, "Who are you and why are you doing this to me."
I was unconscious for about a half an hour.
In an instant I hit the floor. I wanted to get up, but I couldn't. I had become totally unconscious. While on the bathroom floor I remember feeling like my heartbeat was irregular and my whole body felt like it was full of alcohol. I mean, I could feel it in my arms and legs. It was like the alcohol was so heavy in my body, it was weighing it down to the point where I couldn't get up. My eyes got real heavy and I felt like if I closed them, I might not be able to open them again. The bathroom was getting darker and lighter because I was fighting to keep my eyes open. I started crying because I realized I was dying. I was having premonitions about me dying right there on my bathroom floor and after not seeing or hearing from me in a while, someone having to come in and find me dead. I though about what my family would say and how hurt my mother would be if she had lost her only son. I started to think about my funeral and who would show up. I wondered what would they say about me? If someone was honest enough, they could say Vernon was a self-centered drunk who didn't have enough sense to put down the alcohol bottle. Right there on the ground I remember thinking that I could not let this premonition come to pass.Eventually, I realized the one thing I could move was my mouth. I started to pray and ask God not to let me die. I told Him I was sorry for the things I had done and to please give me another chance. I told Him I was scared and needed His help. I admitted to God that I had a problem with drinking and started telling Him the reasons why I drank so much. I told Him I didn't know how to deal with life's problems. I told him I didn't know how to deal with racism, backstabbers, liars, haters, hypocrites, people judging me, loosing my job, license, freedom, money, respect, etc. I really spoke from the heart and put all my problems on God. I had remembered reading Bible scriptures saying that God loves us, cares for us, and invites us to put all of our problems on Him. He said he will never put more on us than we can bear. But I felt like for the first time in my life, I had more problems than I could bear. So I took God on his word right there on my bathroom floor. I remember asking Him, "Why is this happening to me?"
After about 30 minutes, I began to regain consciousness. I think I used the toilet to lift myself up and stand to my feet. I remember wiping the tears from my face and taking a series of deep breaths. I looked at myself in the mirror again and noticed that I had a big stain on my pants. After further inspection, I saw that I had urinated on myself. I couldn't feel it when it happened because I wasn't conscience. All I remember after that is taking a shower and going to sleep. I didn't drink again that night.
"Death is possible."
About a year after this incident I was at a drug and alcohol testing site and there was a sign on the wall that explained the events that the body goes through from alcohol consumption. It went from beginning to end, starting with slurred speech, slowed reactions, impaired vision, semi-unconsciousness, unconsciousness, and ultimately death. I remember reading it from top to bottom thinking, "Okay that happened, that happened, that happened . . ." I finally got to the end, which was death, and realized that was the only thing that hadn't happened to me. After drinking myself to complete unconsciousness, this was actually the first time it had "really hit me" of what happened that day. It was just something to see with my own eyes - from a reliable source - that I was only one stage away from dying. I thank God in my own mind that I didn't drink myself to death that day every time the thought of what happened enters my mind.
