We eventually started talking again after the washing powder incident; although I don’t think we would have had he known I caused his agony. When he came home 2 weeks later he must’ve felt guilty himself as the full weekend was great. For the next 3 months whenever he came home, we felt closer than ever before.
I started feeling ill, sick and dizzy. I was on the pill so didn’t believe I could be pregnant but a week later when I did a test, it confirmed I was. I was over the moon. I waited for him to return from work on the Friday to tell him. He seemed happy but not as much as I thought he would be as we had spoken about having a child of our own but wanted to financially secure and settled in the new house we were thinking of buying. I just told myself that it was shock as I was shocked too, being on the pill, it was the last thing I imagined.
Another 2 weeks past, he came home. He was very distant. I blamed myself for falling pregnant. Did I not take the pill correctly? Have I ruined everything? Will he leave me to bring yet another child up alone? I was 3 months gone and no matter what, with or without him I would have this much loved baby.
The week end went pretty much the same as any other. We’d go out for a meal on the Friday. Saturday he would spend most of the day with his precious car and those wheels. Out with his mates on the night. I hated Sundays. He would go to the pub with his mates again, be back home for 6pm and expect his and his friends Sunday dinner on the table.
They’d sit there for a few more hours having a few cans then I was expected to drive his mate home. By the time I got back he’d be asleep in bed ready for work at 5am the next day.
When I got back, I finished packing the last bits into his bag, hoping and praying he would change and put us first. I so wanted the perfect life for my sons and this new baby. With damp eyes from crying and a heavy heart I went to bed, cuddled into him and for the next few hours I could pretend everything was going to be ok.
It was 2am when the ringtone on his phone woke me. I nudged him but nothing. Still sound asleep from his drinking session. I picked his phone up. The display said ‘Lou’. I thought it must be 1 of the lads ringing to say something was wrong concerning him getting picked up for work, so I answered. Nothing prepared me for what came next.
Hello I answered. A woman’s voice said ‘Is Rick there?’ I replied ‘he’s asleep, can I pass on a message?’ thinking it could be a secretary from work not even thinking of the time now. ‘Who are you?’ she asked. I explained I was his fiancée and he was asleep as he had work in the morning but if it was urgent I’d wake him. She laughed. ‘his fiancée ? I’m his girlfriend, now wake him up you silly bitch’.
I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I threw the phone on the bed and violently shook him. He jumped up saying ‘ what’s wrong?’ I could only reply ‘ Lou is on the phone for you’. His face dropped, he disconnected the call. For what felt like hours he just sat and looked at me, the phone rang – Lou ! ‘Answer it’ I ordered. By now I realised it wasn’t some emergency, she was not a secretary. Anger was rising up through my throat making me feel sick. I threw the phone at him.
He answered ‘‘what? Yeh….yeh…no….don’t ring me again, I’ll ring you”. He put the phone on the bedside table, looked at me and said ‘don’t even look at me like that. It’s just some barmaid that is stalking me. I sent her a funny joke by text and now she’s hounding me’. With that he rolled over and went back to sleep.
I was speechless.
Did I believe him?
Was she stalking him?
Was he having an affair?
I never said anything, just laid back down. Laying there with everything running round in my mind. I did something I thought I’d never do – I took his phone downstairs and started searching through it.
Messages, lots of messages from Lou. Ranging from what time do you finish work? to I cant wait to see you tonight my sexy bum. Some of the messages I can’t bring myself to repeat. I looked in the sent box – empty apart from what he’d sent me.
I flew up the stairs, screamed at him to wake up, ‘What’s all these txt’s on your phone ?’ his reply was ‘ I told you she’s been stalking me, she’s a nutter honestly baby, I’d never cheat on you. Were having a baby, I thought we were happy, stop being paranoid and get back in bed, it’s just your hormones making you irrational’ Was it ? Had I got it so wrong ? I got back in bed. For a while I still laid mulling it all over. No I wasn’t wrong. Why did he say ‘ I’l ring you’ ?
I got up and dressed fuming all over again. I spotted the car keys. I had to get out for air, breathe, think. I drove for a short while, stopped in a lay by and cried my eyes out. Never had I ever been so confused. I needed answers. I rang her. After 30 mins being on the phone, I knew all I needed to. He had been with her for the past 3 months, met her parents and instead of stopping in hotels etc. when working away he was living with her.
She apparently knew nothing of me and my sons or this baby on the way. My life shattered, I’d already failed my sons by not being abe to work things out with their dad and now I couldn’t keep hold of the man they called dad for the last 6 years. Now I’d failed yet again but was bringing another life into the world just to ruin it. ‘I cant do it’, I told myself, at that point I think I was capable of anything. I started the car and sped through the deserted streets without a sensible thought in my mind. I knew of a place, a nice long driveway with a great big brick wall right at the end. My fate was decided and off I went.
My next conscious thought was – oh my god… STOP !
Brakes screeching, I spun the car just a few metres away from the wall. He wasn’t worth it, my kids need me. I drove home, thinking what I’d say. Not before driving up and down every high pavement with his precious wheels, scraping them all repeatedly.
His car was the only thing he showed any affection for, his prize possession, I’d show him what his possessions were worth. By the time I got back, the car was a wreck. I was calm, too calm. I walked into our bedroom and stood there watching him sleep peacefully. How dare he when my world has come crashing down around me!
I picked his Stanley blade out of his work belt, opened the wardrobe and slashed every article of clothing in there, see if he will still love his expensive clothes now I thought. It wasn’t enough. The TV ! I yanked the plug in the wall but it wouldn’t come out of the socket, this just enraged me. I picked up the TV and just threw it at him.
All hell broke loose, nothing in that room was safe now. All he could do was scream at me from under the duvet .Eventually, with nothing left to break or throw and emotionally drained I slumped in tears. All he could say was ‘I’m sorry; she never meant anything to me’. I told him to leave; I wasn’t interested in anything he had to say. I was alone again.
We never spoke for the following 2 weeks while he was away, he came to talk to me when he got back. Told me he’d finished it and it was just a moment of madness etc.. How could I ever trust him again? Did I want to bring this baby up alone? Could I? Did he deserve another chance?
I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt for our unborn child’s sake if not my own. What would you have done?
This inspirational post was written anonymous confession by a mom who is a member of my Facebook mums group. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.
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