This past weekend I took another giant leap towards self-acceptance; I cleaned out my closet… and my dressers, and under the bed. What was all the cleaning for you ask? It was to rid myself of all of the clothes that I’ve hung onto over the past 9 years of yo-you dieting. Talk about baggage! There were a few pieces of clothing that were quite painful to let go. One in particular was the little black dress I wore on stage to get my Master’s Degree. I stared at it, marveling that I ever fit into the thing. I also remembered how ashamed I was when I bought it because the tag said XL; I had a 28 inch waist at the time, and I’m 5’9″. First of all, in what sizing world is that an XL, and second of all – what size or number could have ever made me happy?
Letting go of that little black dress really represents letting go of my hopes, beliefs, and expectations that I will ever be that size again. That size meant positive attention, adorable clothing options, fitting in at the gym, as well as a general feeling that I had finally arrived in “normal town” USA. That size also meant 1 pack of cigarettes a day, working out because I was afraid to gain a single pound, sugar-free, fat-free franken-foods, binge drinking, jumping on the scale every time I ate, and wishing I were thinner, even after losing 200lbs. I still obsessed every day about what I wished my body could look like. I never truly saw how hard my body was trying to do what I asked of it.
Objects in the Mirror are not always as they truly are…
I felt really angry as I cleared out 4 large garbage bags of clothing from my bedroom. Angry that I wasn’t able to fit into any of the sizes, but even angrier that other behaviors from my dieting days had slipped past my radar… You may recognize this habit: Ooooo this is so cute, I’ll get it even though it doesn’t fit, it will fit by Fall, or Winter, or Summer, my class reunion, etc. Or, I really should clear out my closet, but I’m hanging onto a few sizes for when I lose this weight. This line of thinking is pointless for two reasons:
- Denying yourself clothes that fit NOW is a form of self punishment.
- Seeing the clothes that don’t fit hanging in your closet, spilling out of your dressers, and bursting out of the boxes is hanging onto a reality that just isn’t here anymore. This leads to feelings of guilt, resentment, anger, frustration, sadness, etc.
No wonder I’ve been stuck! I was literally drowning in the past, and that past was preventing me from not only accepting and embracing who I am today, but in many ways, it was preventing me from moving forward with my life. While I’m still a little sad over the loss of my clothes(remember, this really is symbolic of so much more) I can’t tell you how amazing it feels to be free of the physical and mental clutter! I have created a space for acceptance and peace. I have made a powerful statement of; I accept me just as I am, right now.
Today, honor who you are… Don’t hold onto ideas and representations of who you were, or who you hope you’ll someday be. Who you are right now, at this exact size – is beautiful. You are thinking, breathing, loving, feeling, moving, trying, caring, giving, and you deserve to respect that person. Don’t should or could yourself out of being good enough right now. Don’t hide from your life feeling chained to what might have been, or what could possibly be. We only have today, and how sad if we waited to wear the outfit that tomorrow never brought.
Stop the cycle now:
- Clean out your closet this week. ONLY keep what absolutely fits, and what you absolutely love.
- Resolve to never buy one more piece of clothing that doesn’t fit when you buy it, and that you don’t absolutely love on you.
- Don’t let money be the reason why you can’t, it’s just another excuse. (Find a consignment shop to sell your clothes to – for locals, I love Savvy Plus, and they accept shipped clothes for those of you without a similar store!)
- Trust that the freedom of honoring who you are right now, is better than any outfit you’ve ever owned. Because it is.
After you’ve taken these steps, post a comment here and tell me how it went! Your revolution starts NOW!!!
