This post is an anonymous guest post
This year has been a real eye opener for me. The year I learned about me. My good points and my bad points and the year I learned about other people too.
This year I learned my mum, who i just found a way to have a relationship with after 32 years is ill. Shes not going to get better.
I learned very quickly that I have to hide how it kills me inside to know this as it is not fair to give her my grief when she has enough of her own to carry.
I cant be with her phisically right now, so im there as her sounding board when shes upset and angry about life. I learned that it makes me cry to listen to her, but I would cry a million rivers if it meant I have helped her in some small way.
I have learned time is precious. Sometimes its more limited than we realize and that a death sentence doesnt have to mean the end of a life so much as the start of a new freedom without illness or pain.
I have watched my sister, my beautiful, strong, incredibly kind hearted sister be torn down in shreds by another person who seeks control because its all he has. Ive heard her so floored she believed his words. Ive seen her so grounded with unhappiness all she could do was cry.
I have learned that it does happen easily.
Ive also seen that sister get tough, I watched her fight back, get strong and not allow him that control. Ive watched her change and grow to be this new person whos independant, strong and not afraid to put him in his place. She makes me so proud bless her. She carries on, refuses to give up for her daughter and does her thing every day. She doesnt let him break her will.
I have learned as much as I wanted to crush his soul like a grape for hurting her, I should have faith in her as she proves every day shes getting stronger and stronger and doesnt need her daft, panicking big sister to rescue her.
I have gained three baby angels. This also led me to the darkest time of my life. So much pain and so many questions. Dreams about them.
I have learned where this is love there is life. Where there is life there is hope.
My angels are now waiting for me, one day I will be their mom in body and not just spirit and I just have to be patient.
Angels dont leave you they just find another way to be with you when life doesnt allow their birth.
I have watched my five beautiful children grow, so proudly.
My son started nursery, my youngest began walking and talking, my daughter joined school choir, my son started the trumpet and my other son got his confidence back at a new school.
They never cease to amaze me, and continue to be the most important things i will ever be a part of.
I have learned as a mom I suck at times. I dont have a handbook, or anyone to hand to ask advice like others have so I have to guess the answers and sometimes I get it wrong, but maybe that doesnt make me a failure just still learning. As a mom ill never stop learning and seeking new found skills to apply to that.
I learned that I am capable of putting my fears aside for the sake of my children and at 32 I can learn things with them at the same time and still be proud of myself.
I have learned that sometimes i cant make it better, but sometimes I can. Sometimes, I do shout too much, and sometimes not enough.
I have learned never show your three year old monsters inc or rapunzel as they get obsessed with it, and kids dont like burnt toast!
Most importantly I have realised im never going to live up to my own expectations as a mother, im never going to be like ma walton with a delia smith twist to her so stop stressing about trying.
Life teaches all lessons and now I know those things and more:
Music DOES make housework less boring! Dont know how or why but it does.
Love DOES endure through good and bad and doesnt give up even if you want too.
Its possible to break your heart and still live. Your heart will still beat and carry on, and your soul continues to shine on.
Westlife have quit – three words can make your day!
I know I can be without friends, and not feel alone.
I can be without a friendly face every day to talk to and still not feel abandoned.
I can be a mom to five kids.
Fish are friends not food.( lol)
I am stronger than I think, and this coming year I will try to make myself believe that again.
In 2012:
I will try to be a better mother.
I will try not to burn the saucepans.
I will try to not measure myself up against other mums, and feel like a Failure when I cant step up to their plates.
Its ok to love. Its ok to live. To cry. To sulk. To laugh. To remember. To feel. To know and to hope
