Dating Magazine

I Can’t Wait to Be Famous

By Aussalorens

I forgot what day of the week it is and what year we're in, so I only have the shortest of updates for you. I'm putting it in a list because I've written so much this week that I don't remember how paragraphs work.

1. I revised 24,694 words last week. This is a huge ass deal for me because it took all of January and February for me to get through 28,235 words. I'm not good at maths but I feel like this means I might actually hit my goal of getting this second draft done by the third week in April:

I can’t wait to be famous

2. I'm about to go to a Matisyahu concert in Boulder and my 2005 self is super excited about this, though to be fair my 2005 self was mired in debilitating depression and despair, so that's not really saying much.

3. Writing my book is causing me to experience very volatile mood swings:

10:21AM - "This book is the shit. I can't wait to wow the world."

10:26AM - "I'm wasting my life. This is embarrassing."

10:56AM - "Oh my gosh, people half my age are so much more successful than me, I don't even know how to write a scene that isn't just a bunch of people nodding and smiling and walking across rooms"

11:02AM - "Can't wait to be famous."

4. The guy who first texted me to let me know my ex was sending my naked photos around tried to friend me on Facebook, which totally freaked me out and now he's blocked and I hope he isn't reading this right now, but if he is: Hey, thanks so much for starting that chain reaction of justice-serving drama but let's please just be footnotes in each other's lives, thanks.

5. There's a special place in hell for people who use Bible verse memes to passive aggressively antagonize people on Facebook.

6. FREE ADVICE: Don't steal people's jokes off twitter and try to pretend like you/your child came up with them. People are smarter than that + there are people like me who are very intentional about not having to use their brains during the workday and therefore have a lot of energy to use in tracking your bullshit. Also, gross.

7. I saw Beauty and The Beast and it was everything I ever wanted it to be- even if it doesn't really pass the Bechdel test and is somewhat problematic because if you're escaping a captor and he gets attacked by wolves you don't stop to hep him, you say "who's a good boy, you're a good boy", and toss treats at the wolves while running away as fast as possible.

8. You guys are a bunch of delightful weirdos. I legit thought you'd all quit me after I blogged about my ambitious thrill-seeking hermit crab because that's so damn random, but I got 30 new e-mail subscribers that day. I'm thinking about starting a hermit crab niche blog, because I'm nothing if not opportunistic.

9. I wore my "Of Course I Love Pygymy Goats!" shirt while hiking on Saturday (the first ever goat that was sent to me, via Jennie Saia) and a woman on the trail was like "Yeah, goats are cute!" and I forgot I was wearing the shirt so I was like "soulmate!" which abruptly ended that conversation.

I can’t wait to be famous

10. I have things to tell you about. Let me try and re-orient myself to time and space and I'll be back soon.

Any terrible people to rant about, or existential crises to share?

I can’t wait to be famous

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