I Can’t Pretend Anymore: Minions Are The Absolute Worst

Minions. Seven letters once functioned as a broad-spectrum term to describe all the world’s sycophants—or, albeit less notoriously, mini onions—has now become synonymous with those abominable yellow imbeciles from Despicable Me and Despicable Me 2. By popular demand, capitalist greed, or generous donation from the National Association for the Advancement of the Color Yellow, an entire feature film devoted to the origin story of these dreadful Minions is coming to theaters July 10^th. As someone who normally roots for the underdog, it isn’t without regret that I confess after trying to give them a chance and pretending to tolerate them for entirely too long, I’m ready to admit that Minions are without exception the most grating, insipid characters ever brought to life in a kid’s movie.

Before I continue, it’s worth mentioning that Despicable Me is not a Pixar movie. Perhaps you, like me, assumed all movies using 3D computer animation were either Pixar or Disney, but that is not the case. (Not yet.) It’s entirely possibly that the production company is responsible for the Minions’ lack of appeal: they haven’t been blessed with the magic of the mouse or the jumping lamp. Many of the comparisons I’m going to draw between the Minions and other similar kids’ movie cronies will reference Disney and Pixar films, though it is worth mentioning this is not truly and apples to apples comparison.

Let me begin with the appearance of Minions.

Bright yellow in color with a body that looks like an antibiotic that’s sure to make you reconsider the importance of health, Minions are the first answer that comes to mind if one were to ask the question, “What does it look like when Homer Simpson takes a dump?” All Minions appear to be male, a detail that raises questions about how they reproduce while giving us a glimmer of hope that extinction may be a lot easier than we thought. Minions all wear the same work overalls, despite having no defined shoulders to properly hold them up, with goggles that seem to satisfy a need to appear quirky and unique rather than remedy any legitimate ocular safety concerns. As for their coiffure, Minions have varying wisps of hair on their head that are the same distressing consistency as the patch of hair you’ve been missing when you shave for the past seven years. The sounds they that comprise the Minion vernacular are a cross between the hiccups and the noise that comes from a Snapple bottle cap when you can’t resist pressing it.

Beyond the subjective matter of aesthetics, what is perhaps most offensive about the Minions is how disgracefully derivative they are from the aliens in the Toy Story movies. The aliens, much like Minions, are a populous, male-dominated race with limited linguistic abilities and a similarly unique appearance. In their heyday, the aliens matched the Minions in the amount of merchandise mass-produced using their likeness. But it is important to note that unlike the Minions, Toy Story’s aliens conjure more emotion in their incessant repetitions of “The claw!” than any trying-too-hard-to-be-adorable antics the Minions get into. This is because the aliens’ origin is one of oppression and a desire for freedom, unlike the Minions historical preoccupation with riding the coattails of the world’s most despicable villains.

It’s all too easy to get distracted by their shenanigans, but let’s not forget that Minions are first and foremost henchmen. As henchmen, their complete ineptitude for succeeding at the one effort that defines their existence is very near Sisyphean. No doubt the irony of their servitude is how unlikely it is that such wannabe lovable creatures would align themselves with the world’s evildoers, but it would be remiss to ignore the fact that they are ineffectual henchmen. Movie henchmen have a tendency to blunder their assignments, but the Minions’ struggles make it impossible to take them seriously, especially when we’re to believe that serving a wicked master is the chief motivating factor for their existence. Their carelessness seems almost nihilistic. In no particular order, here is a list of kids’ movie henchmen who are more memorable, intriguing, competent, and deserving of their own movie than the Minions:

• Flotsam and Jetsam from The Little Mermaid
• Si and Am from Lady and the Tramp
• LeFou from Beauty and the Beast
• Jasper and Horace from 101 Dalmatians
• Big Baby from Toy Story 3
• Iago from Aladdin
• Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed, the hyenas from The Lion King
• Magic Mirror from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
• Kronk from The Emperor’s New Groove
• The Grasshoppers from A Bug’s Life
• Roscoe and DeSoto from Oliver and Company
• Diablo, the raven from Sleeping Beauty
• Alpha, Beta, and Gamma from Up
• Dr. Facilier’s shadow from The Princess and the Frog

Even at their most tolerable, no Minion holds a candle to any of these complex, captivating henchmen.

In an attempt to understand Minion fever, I visited an Ask Reddit page that attempts to get to the bottom of why people like Minions so much. Some of the responses were shocking:

They’re a lot like the Sims. Simplified, dumbed down versions of people. Watching them goof off is just adorable, like watching puppies play before they’ve quite figured out how. Also, I like the way they mime to communicate, it’s impressive how expressive they get for animated characters who don’t actually speak.

I think minions are cute and adorable.

They’re cute little idiots. Not much thought is needed on this one. People enjoy small things that are stupid. Hence the obsession with puppies.

Forgive me for not trusting anyone who thinks puppies fall in with Minions in the “small things that are stupid” category. It was a relief to discover that there plenty of people out there who echo my sentiments that Minions are awful:

How do we know those Minions aren’t part of ISIS?

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) July 7, 2015

The illuminati triangle has one eye, minions have one eye, coincidence? I think not

— OG Band Messiah (@TheBandMessiah) July 7, 2015

I’m going to bed and I will pray that I wake up tomorrow to find that minions were a nightmare I had

— Kaye Toal (@ohkayewhatever) July 8, 2015

If you ever feel like a loser, keep in mind there are grown adults that genuinely think Minions are funny. You could be a much sadder human.

— Jared Oban (@jaredoban) July 7, 2015

the seven deadly sins: 1. wrath 2. greed 3. sloth 4. minions 5. pride 6. envy 7. gluttony

— zabree (@nochillzabree) July 7, 2015

If you enjoy yellow rascals that try too hard to be silly and whose only redeeming quality is their loyalty, I highly recommend Minions. I can also direct you to some high-quality Minions merch that will no doubt stand the test of time:

But if you like like your kids’ movie henchmen to be more nuanced and problematic, or simply less yellow, the Minions likely inspire the same ire and ennui in you as they do for me. Fellow Minion haters, the Minionites may call you mean-spirited or worse, a party pooper, but never compromise your standards to satisfy people who have strong feelings about goggled creatures.

Images: Giphy, Author’s Own