LGBTQ Magazine

I Am Not Alone

By Iwillsurvivesg @iwillsurvivesg

I am not aloneEthan is in his forties and grew up in North America. He now works in a financial institution in Singapore, where he lives with his partner of over 20 years.

I’m in a boat, without any oars. The boat is on a river, headed for a waterfall. Maybe somebody will throw me a rope, holding me in place, and not let the boat sail down the river towards the waterfall.
My name is Ethan, and I am a sex addict.
I have been attending 12-step meetings for the past 17 years, as part of a structured programme to help me recover from my addiction. They help me stay sober, and prevent me from acting out sexually with another person who is not my partner. The more meetings I attend, the more support I get for my addiction, and the more ropes I will have in my hands to keep me from falling down the waterfall and losing control over myself.
My addiction is a disease. In many ways, it has been my higher power as well as my best friend. It’s what I could turn to when I feel like I can’t cope with my addiction. It also causes me a lot of pain. It’s unbearable when I see the pain it also causes for Brandon, my partner for more than 20 years, and the man I fell madly in love with when we first met. He’s a loving, caring and wonderful man, who gave me a lot of strength and support for the issues I was dealing with at that time. I knew then that I wanted to be with him, and was willing to do whatever it took to build a relationship with him. After all these years, he’s still my constant.
*   *   *
I’m actually not very open to talking to others about my addiction. Brandon sometimes wants to hear more about it than I’m even comfortable sharing with him. The support group meetings have a slogan, which goes something like this: “Bring the disease into the room, but take the recovery back to your home.” So for example, when I’m sharing with him, I don’t want him to know about the unpleasant triggers; instead I want to talk about how empowered and strengthened I feel, for example by talking to you right now. In a way, I feel I am in control of what I want to share. I don’t think it’s fair for me to expect him to listen objectively to what I have to say, without having an emotional reaction or attachment to the outcome.
*   *   *
People who feel that they are happy, in healthy relationships with themselves and their partners, and are not engaged in any form of harmful or destructive behaviours probably wouldn’t need to get help. But I think I am not alone. There must be others out there, especially other gay men, who would prefer not to cheat on their partners, or spend hours on the internet surfing pornography, looking for anonymous partners online, or have unsafe sex with strangers. They might make promises to themselves that they would not do it again, but they go ahead and do it anyway. I have been there and I’ve experienced that. I also know there is a different way of loving myself.
You know you need additional support for yourself when you begin to realize that your life is becoming unmanageable, and it is somehow related to some form of sexual activity. But you decide what is unmanageable. It could be feeling exhausted in the mornings because you had been up all night having online cybersex or surfing porn websites, and then not being able to function at work the next day as a result; or maybe it’s spending money that you can’t afford, on sex toys, escort and sexual massage services; or you find that you are cheating on your partner, and you feel guilty about it.
Just know that you are not alone.
*   *   *
The above passages are excerpts from Ethan’s full story, which can be read in the e-book.

You Might Also Like :

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog

These articles might interest you :

  • I Know

    Oogachaga has produced a short film called “I Know”, which features Daniel and his attempt to come out to his mum, with the help of his partner, Sean. Watch... Read more

    By  Iwillsurvivesg
  • I Will Survive 377A

    Will Survive 377A

    I survived bullying.Kenny, 17 years old, identifies as a bisexual teen, and is comfortable in his relationships with men as well as women. He is a student at a... Read more

    By  Iwillsurvivesg
  • Guest Post: Why My Gay Brother and I Are Friends

    I know what you’re thinking. Am I really getting to the stage where I don’t even write my own posts? Is it about to get all Britney-esque, my contributions... Read more

    By  The Guyliner
  • I Feel Naturally Inclined to Slap You

    Feel Naturally Inclined Slap

    I spend more time with myself that anyone else. In getting to know me, I have learned that I am a naturally happy person that instinctively reacts negatively... Read more

    By  Datewithcleo
  • I Want THAT Kind of LOVE...

    Want THAT Kind LOVE...

    It was less than 2 years ago when I would often see pictures like the above picture of Jay-Z and Beyonce and I would think to myself "I want that kind of love. Read more

    By  Zakialacey
  • Should I Reunite With My Ex Girlfriend?

    Should Reunite With Girlfriend?

    Many Guys wonder if they should reunite with their ex girlfriends after a breakup or not. It is a challenging situation when you feel that you cannot live... Read more

    By  Amperkins
  • I Don't Want a Christian Grey

    Don't Want Christian Grey

    So I jumped on the band wagon and bought 50 Shades of Grey after much talk amongst nearly every female I knew. People were saying it was the sauciest thing... Read more

    By  Georginacallen
    LOVE & SEX