We have been married for ten years plus one month (almost) now. I won't be boring you all with how wonderful if has all been or how he is my best friend (which he is!) or how madly in love we are (which we are) because honestly, that's all I read and see on the internet and after a while it is just nauseating. Because let's get real, it can't all be bed of roses all-the-time!
Instead I am going to tell you about our fights and how they have evolved over the past decade. Let's start from the beginning ... the first year was miserable. We used to fight like cats and dogs. We both were (and are) independent and had our own way of doing things. We both thought we knew better. Sometimes we would get on each other's nerves so much that we wanted to kill each other. That's not a figure of speech. We really wanted to kill each other. But we stuck it out ... I guess we were both stubborn enough to not give up on each other either.
A couple of years passed and we reached a point where our fights got infrequent. But still fervent. A few more years passed and they got a lot infrequent and a lot less vehement. The only thing that remained constant at this point was how easily my husband was able to let go and forget about it all, and how I continued to hold on to the grudge and sulked for days.
Five years into the marriage is when we truly started to understand each other. We realized that it was not 'one against the other'. Instead we both were actually on the same team. We had each other's back no matter what. Nonetheless, whenever we did fight, I still wasn't able to get over it as fast as my husband. I needed that extra 24 hours to be truly myself.
Sometime in the sixth year of our marriage a light bulb went on in my head and I was like, "Why do I torture myself like this?" We both had more or less exactly the same life, yet he was in a happier state of mind than I was. And I thought that was not fair, in the name of equality to say the least (I kid!). At this point I bargained with my brain and said, "I am going to come around and forget about this fight sooner or later. So why not sooner than later?" I remember the exact instant when I was able to practice what I was preaching to myself. We both were in the car, unable to decide a place to go for dinner. We both were starving, hence were getting hangry. We got into an argument which was then followed by a few minutes of silence. Now my autopilot response would have been to go home, head to my room, change and call it a night .. and then sulk for a day or two. But instead I did something I had never done before. I asked him, "Let's bench this argument and go get dinner first?" My husband was taken aback. Usually this would have been this role, instead this time I beat him to it. I do not think we ever got back to that argument and today I can't even recall what it was about anyways.
For last few years our fights have not been passionate enough to be described as "fights". They are merely either heated discussions or difference of opinions where one of us takes a step back before it blows up or gets out of control. We have both (on our own) realized that nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is worth losing an hour or two of our lives.
When something does matter to one of us we choose to re-address it later, with a calmer heart and tone. For example, just recently something was on my mind and it had been bothering me for a while. I spoke about it to my husband and instead of taking offense he said, "I see where you are coming from and I will try and change that." He had never said that before.
It has taken us a good decade to learn each other's, preferred way of communication, habits, quirks, and trigger points. This is not to say that we will never "fight" again but we would find our way back to each other ... sooner than later!
You can catch us in our live banter below.Photography via Drishti By Tania Chatterjee
