Yes, “how do I get laid more” is one of the most frequent questions I get as a personal improvement coach. Sure, I write about getting a raise, getting hired, making apologies and networking but still, the most common question is a variation of “dude, how can I get more sex!” So rather than my usual approach to this question (which consists of a chuckle and quick DELETE), allow me to spend a bit more time answering this question in detail.
So You Want To Hook Up?
All joking aside, I do understand where these questions are coming from. Our society places a huge emphasis on sex as a way of proving a man’s worth. If you’re not getting any, you’re not a man, at least according to Hollywood. High school is a cesspool of peer pressure and it doesn’t get much better during college or even after. There’s a constant and not so subtle harassment from friends to “score”. Now I’m not going to get into the cultural implications of this (or the dichotomy of telling this to our young men and then telling our young women that having sex means they’re sluts) but I will acknowledge it and move on. There is A LOT of pressure on men to have sex with women.
Unfortunately, some men just don’t know what to do. I understand, I was one of them. You feel left out. You feel like there’s this magical world where you will be popular and a man and all your problems will go away if only a single woman would say yes to you. I’ve been there and I’m not afraid to admit it. So to all of you out there who are suffering and wondering why life can be so cruel, here are a few lessons I learned along the way.
Gal’s Rules For Attracting Women
Personal Hygiene – I can’t tell you how important this is. Have you washed lately? Do you use deodorant? Have you gotten a hair cut in the last decade? Does your shirt have stains on it? Have your clothes gone through the laundry at least once in the past two weeks? It sounds like I’m joking but I’m not. You expect a woman to take care of herself, no? So why won’t you? Wash (every day, perhaps twice a day if you workout), do laundry (at least once a week), use deodorant (every day and reapply after your post gym shower), cut your hair (yes, even if you’re growing it out long it can still use some care) and get new clothes if your current ones are (unfashionably) torn or stained. These things are NOT optional.
Appearance – This is the next step beyond hygiene. I have a friend who only dates “hot” women. He’s very picky about who he approaches and never talks to anyone he considers an “8 or below”. In other words, he’s an idiot. Ironically, hes also an overweight idiot. That’s right, he only dates women who look great but he himself is about 30lbs overweight. Now think to yourself, aren’t you attracted to women who look good? Do you think women don’t feel the same? Sure, standards are different from men to women but they’re not THAT different. Invest a little bit in exercise, proper eating and good clothes and you’ll see great results. Bonus Tip – Invite a female friend to go shopping with you. She’ll tell you exactly what you look good in and what you don’t. It worked wonders for me.
Lying – This should have been rule #1 but I guess you need to look and smell good to even get this far so it dropped down to rule #3. Just don’t do this. It’s obvious and it will get you in trouble. If you’re just looking to have sex, don’t tell them you’re interested in a relationship, “scamming chicks” only works in the movies or on girls young enough to send you to jail if you scam them. If you’re only interested in sex then go to places where you’re likely to meet women with a similar interest. For example, most night clubs have a good amount of women who are not really looking for a long and committed relationship (or at least open to the idea of something more short term). Go to those clubs and be honest. While it’s probably a bad idea to walk up to someone with the line “nice shoes, wanna fuck?” you’ll probably get a better success rate with that one than with some elaborate profile on match.com where you describe your longing for moonlit walks on the beach.
Location, Location, Location – Speaking of night clubs, I can’t tell you how many frustrated men I’ve talked to who are bitter about “I never find any women”. When I ask them “where are you looking?” I get replies that range from on WoW to at the local bar. Here’s the thing, unless you’re in Alaska, the ratio of men to women isn’t really that bad. Even here in Man Jose, it’s only about 55% to 45%. Sounds bad but it just means 5 men to every 4 women. Bad, but not too bad. The trick is knowing where to go. Here are a few places that work:
- Dance clubs – There are almost always more women than men at these places and they’re all ready and willing to get up close and personal. If you’re shy about your moves on the dance floor, get over it.
- Fitness classes – No, not the gym, I mean classes like yoga, aerobics, spinning and more. Bonus, these classes are a lot harder than you imagine so you’ll get a great workout too. Try Bikram yoga if you’re willing to sweat for your sex.
- Other classes – I met some wonderful women at my computer science classes of all places but there’s a whole range of other classes you can take. Community colleges offer a wide range of things that you’ll find interesting.
- Volunteering – There’s nothing like serving some soup to the homeless or building shelters for orphaned dogs to really get to know someone (and get in their pants!)
By the way, refer to rule #3 for all of these. If you’re just going to go because you want to meet women then you’re going to fail. You’re going to be the creepy guy in the back who’s staring down shirts that everyone will try to avoid. With the exception of night clubs (where people go specifically to hook up) you need to be genuinely interested in the subject matter if you want to make a connection. Yes, sorry, you have to be a well rounded individual, that’s life, but hey, even if you don’t hook up at these places you’ll get some great stories to tell at the night club when you’re trying to score with that hot girl at the bar.
Confidence – Again, I wish I could have put this at #1 but… Still, confidence is key. Be yourself, stop trying to impress people and just be secure in who you are. There is nothing more attractive than that, for both men and women. I believe it was Morpheus in the Matrix who said “stop trying to hit me and just hit me”. Well, the same applies here (only no hitting). Stop trying and just do. Stop worrying about failure and just try. Trust me, you’ll fail a lot but you’ll also succeed sometimes.
And Finally, Learn To Flirt – Flirting is an art, but it’s an easy one to pick up. Most people like to flirt, especially when they’re looking for a connection. Having someone tell us we’re cute or attractive is fun and confidence building. So learn how to do it by practicing all the time. Flirt with everyone you meet, just as long as you don’t get your ass handed to you by some angry boyfriend. Learn to smile and say something like “I love the way you hair looks” with sincerity and appeal.
Hooking Up Vs. Relationships
By the way, I am always amused by those people who tell me “I don’t want a relationship, I want sex.” To me, that betrays someone who doesn’t understand relationships. Let me explain.
- You have sex a lot more in a relationship – Guess what, you found someone who wants to have be with you! Congratulations. Usually this will also mean they want to have sex with you. I say usually because there are some people who won’t due to religious or other reasons, but I doubt you’d be hooking up with these people if sex is a top priority for you. Once you find this person who wants to be with you you’re going to have someone who wants to have sex with you all the time! (or at least most of the time). Regardless, on average you’re going to have sex a lot more in a relationship than out of it. Best of all…
- The sex is better in a relationship – Yes, it’s true. On average sex is far better with someone who knows you. They know what you like, they know what you don’t like and you know the same about them. That’s like sex nirvana!
So even if you’re not looking for a long term relationship, I would highly recommend a friend with benefits over random one night stands. (Also, the chance for urgent trips to the doctor’s office are much lower).
So there you have it, my 37 years worth of experience with sexual relationships summed up into two pages. If I could summarize even further it would be: hygiene, honesty, confidence and flirting. If you get those 4 things down, you’re going to be fine.