Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.
-Albert Einstein
Does hope really exist? Can we learn from our past mistakes and push forward to a new beginning? Can I hope for a better life or will my future be devoid of happiness? These questions have been swirling around my head the last few weeks as I’ve tried to understand what has happened to my life. Last week I took a long shower and bemoaned the fact that my life has completely stalled; ever since graduating high school I’ve been in a never ending free fall. Do I deserve hope? Do I deserve a better life? At times I truly believe that I deserve all of the horrible things that have happened in my life, but that is just me feeling sorry for myself. And that’s the problem. For the last couple of years I’ve become used to self pity and self hatred. I don’t know why, but the feeling of despair can some times be comforting. I’m at a loss. On one hand I really want a better future for myself, I want to become self sufficient, I want to move forward and allow myself to heal. But I also believe I’m doomed to live a horrible life.
Honestly, I don’t know where I’m going with this. I have a sore throat and my head is fuzzy (this is the first time in over 3 years that I’ve been sick, so I was not prepared for what would happen. I guess this is what I get for living with other people. My brain has been quite jumbled the last few days and I hope this ends soon), but the above questions are pertinent as I have been struggling to understand if I deserve to be hopeful. I guess the answer is yes, I really do want to make a difference, I really do want to get better and maybe have a life worth living.
Sorry for the odd post, I just haven’t written in awhile and I wanted post something. It’s frustrating, everyday I log onto my blog and everyday I can’t get myself to write. It’s frustrating because I love writing, it makes me feel amazing and it’s something I’m good at. But that might be the problem (just as I pointed out above), maybe I’ve convinced myself I don’t deserve to be happy, so instead of doing something I love, I torture myself. I constantly tell myself I’m going to blog more often, but like most things in my life I just ignore it and pretend I’m living in a fantasy. I just can’t get myself to do something consistently, which has been a major problem the last few years (well more like the last decade).
I’m going to stop my post here as it’s not making much sense.
I wanted to ask you guys, what are some good ways I could get myself to start hoping for a better future and to write more consistently? How do you guys deal with the feeling of hopelessness?
I hope you have all been well and I look forward to our future conversations
Dave.
