March 21, 2019
Hope.
It's so obscure sometimes. Like ... how do you stay hopeful?
Is it Friends that help you to remain hopeful?
Is there a routine that's involved?
Is there something elusive about hope?
Does a lack of it, make us cry?
Make us sad? Is it reachable?
How do you know when you fully have it?
Does a lack of hope make us afraid?
Does a lack of hope make us feel insecure? Feel alone?
I can say yes to about all of these.
Just recently , I came through a dark period. I was barely hanging in there. I believe I always knew I would come out of it, but it was really hard to stay focused on coming out when my days were so low.
I managed to get through it , but wow.. some days were really tough.
There were many nights of deep breathing for me, yoga, quiet time, talking to my husband and asking for prayer from friends. I also had many nights of tea and on beautiful days outside.... I would sit in the sun. I even found comfort in my journal a few of those days or simply took a long nap. I had to magnify my self-care and pray quite a bit, because prayer is what helps me to take notice to my spirit and be honest with myself about where I am.
To be honest, I wasn't thinking God was too close.
But then, a miracle would happen and I'd feel bad about having thoughts God was near - I would give thanks and ask God to forgive me and keep moving forward. It seemed like every time I did; I'd get a little spiritual embrace or an " I love you", whispered in my soul, in the Spirit. I am learning God doesn't get mad at us when we are barely hanging on.
He actually comes to our aid.
But because I didn't quite feel it, it felt confusing and loneliness prevailed. Those were some long days and long nights. even some sleepless ones.
Yet I found spiritual, emotional, mental and physical self-care as necessary goals during this dark period. When I became a little tense in my body, or my thoughts became negative, I would immediately move into another place of motivation and reach out for help. This was hard. You see, vulnerability and as not my thing to do. Until recently. I got over it. You cannot dance with hope, laugh with hope, ( at least until its over) ; and you cannot trust hope, often because it comes sporadically. I am learning it is something now, I must cultivate daily. In my language, in my relationships, in my routine, in the order to everything I undertake, every accomplishment I make.
I looked HOPE dead in the face, and said with a strong voice: " I am not afraid of you. I am not afraid of trouble, and emotional pain, I am not afraid. At all."
And I made a conscious decision TO NOT become isolated with the darkness, because it would only get darker.
But clinging on to hope, looking for 'hope-inspirers' and seeking it out in several forms even for my mind, soul and body helped. I won't lie the effort of it seemed to wear me out completely. Then another day would pass, the sun would rise and I would smile again. And if the first person's encouragement wouldn't help, then I would look for a second person.Hope.
Yes, it's elusive , unfair at times, makes me grouchy to even begin to think about when I'm angry, yet so necessary, when I finally arrive to a place of resolve. I am learning when I MAKE A DECISION to stay in the game, and practice the steps it takes to remain in hope.
Thanks for the lessons, Hope.
I allowed You to carry me. But I had to learn to trust you, first.
You helped build my character.
You taught me to endure.
Perhaps the hardest lesson here, was to Love....
Love Myself.
Love Others.
Receive love.
and to
It's so hard to remember that, about Hope - when darkness comes. Yet as the early morning arose again, I am reminded that you were still there, somewhere... and darkness has a time limit.
Selah.
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