Family Magazine

Home Care Horror Monday : Inauguration

By Parentalparody @parental_parody
Home Care Horror Monday : Inauguration
Welcome back.  If you've been playing along at home, you'll know that Monday's are now dedicated to the holy grail of domestic piss taking fodder : Home Care catalogues.
I feel that I should send the creators a fruit basket as a sign of my gratitude and appreciation for providing me with many a blog post worth of material.  But, they would probably have trouble working out which fab multi-tool to use on the fruit.  So, best not.
I've decided to rate these idiotic contraptions on a scale of 1 - 5 :
   1 - Just doesn't quite make the grade.  There may be some merit in the fundamental
   idea or concept, but there is a reason this item is not being sold in supermarkets or
   department stores, or wherever the item would fit if it were remotely successful.
   2 - Pretty dumb.  But, I can possibly see how the creator may have thought it was
   worth a shot in these days of blanket-clothing and hats that hold beer cans.  In fact,
   the creator is probably a mega fan of these things.
   3 - Impressively stupid.  Can't quite work out why it isn't collecting dust somewhere
   in the back of a $2 shop.
   4 - Stupidly stupid.  Not sure how this got past the testing phase.
   5 - Beyond moronic.  The money spent creating this item should've been put towards
   a padded room for its creator.
On to this week's notable mentions :

Home Care Horror Monday : Inauguration

Portable Chilled Condiment Caddy  $29.90


Not just a perspex box, not just a place to decant all your condiments (which you will never use all of, and will then have to make the mega decision on whether to toss the rest or re-cant them back to their intelligent, completely appropriate - but nevertheless shunned in favour of perspex - original glass jars).
Can anyone say TUPPERWARE?
How about SHITLOAD OF WORK FOR NO SENSIBLE REASON OR IMPRESSIVE POSH PRESENTATION, RELATIVE TO EXPENDITURE AND EFFORT.  
This is something I expect to see at garage sales and church fete's.  It will never sell.  It's probably not even biodegradable.  When the world implodes (whenever the next Rapture is supposed to be), cockroaches and portable chilled condiment caddies will be the only things remaining, roaming the barren earth.  
Which would actually be quite a plus for the cockroach, as these things are the ideal size for their homes.  It's like a set of 5 cockroach condo's on ice.  
I should patent that one right now, for when the time comes.

Home Care Horror Monday : Inauguration

Home Care horror rating : 4/5


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It pairs perfectly with my next item of stupour :

Home Care Horror Monday : Inauguration

Inflatable Cooling Buffet  $24.90


I apologize for the crap picture quality.  You see, even the good folk at Home Care show very little faith in this product, and don't have a piccy online for me to use.  I had to google it - and you'd be amazed at how many are out there - and take the largest image I could find.  Hence the grainy quality.
Anyway.  Really?  Colour me confused.  A kids' wading pool costs around $10.  Granted, it is round in shape and not rectangular like this contraption.  But, if you're going to be impressed by the inflatable cooling buffet, surely you would be equally impressed if you could get one that was ROUND in shape - and may even sport a frog's eyes and mouth, or a shade, or come in a ladybird pattern - like kids' wading pools do.  Which, I expect, would have the same ice retention reliability as this sucker.

Home Care Horror Monday : Inauguration

Home Care horror rating : 4/5

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In keeping with the food presentation/storage theme of today's inaugural Home Care Horror Monday, today's final item :

Home Care Horror Monday : Inauguration

Biscuit Holder  $7.90 for a set of two


Okay, so it may not be outrageously stupid.  But - how is this different to a spaghetti holder, or any other item of tupperware / plastic food storage that is capable of holding biscuits?
And what, God forbid, are you meant to do if your biscuits are rectangular or square? Gasp, shock horror.
Clearly, this is just re-branding of a stock standard spaghetti holder.  Because it probably didn't sell as a spaghetti holder.  Really, in whose house does an open packet of biscuits even last long enough to warrant one of these?  Certainly not in my house.

Home Care Horror Monday : Inauguration

Home Care horror rating : 1/5

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And that, good people of the interverse, wraps up the very first issue of Home Care Horror Monday.  I've been through my latest catalog and strategically placed many a post-it-note.  At this stage, I have at least another 2-3 months worth of sarcastic fuel.
Next week, I'm going to be focussing on drinking devices.  No, I do not mean cups and glasses.  Because, at Home Care, it extends well beyond such stock standard and boringly average vessels.

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