The approach of the “holiday season” means being bombarded with ridiculous diet advice (the holidays being one third of the Dieting Axis of Evil along with “New Years Resolutions” and “Bikini Season is Coming”.) Since you’re likely to have to deal with this whether you celebrate the holidays or not, I’ve complied a list of so-called holiday diet tips from actual serious online articles, with thoughts on why we might be better off skipping these tips:
10 Holiday Diet Tips You’ve Never Heard Before!
You’ve totally heard these tips before, probably in the same forum in which you are currently reading them, exactly a year ago, and the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that.
Start Our Program Now and Get a Head Start on Your New Years Resolution
If you start earlier, you can fail at weight loss sooner while giving the diet industry (who are fully aware of the massive failure rate of their product) a boost on their fourth quarter earnings. Or, you know, not.
Eat a Big Bowl of Fiber Cereal and Drink Lots of Water Before A Party to Avoid Snacking.
Spend the party in the bathroom with your friends awkwardly knocking and asking if you’re ok while you miss out on delicious snacks.
Buy Your Party Dress a Month Early and a Size Too Small for Inspiration to Lose that Last 10 Pounds
Frantically search through your closet on party day for something, anything, that’s party appropriate, end up going to the party uncomfortable in a dress that’s too small.
Save Your Calories For the Party by Eating Very Little During the Day
Show up at the party absolutely ravenous, bribe a cater waiter to get your hands on an entire tray of shrimp puffs, scarf them in the bathroom.
Make low-calorie egg nog with skim milk, egg substitutes, and artificial sweeteners.
Oh…I just…I can’t even…Just… Ok, by the underpants rule you can totally make this beverage if you want and I will support you in drinking it, as long as you support me in not drinking it.
Only Eat Desserts that Are Truly a Sensual Experience for you
This author has a different relationship with food than I do… I don’t find orange sherbet to be sensual at all but I will eat the hell out of it.
Don’t Taste The Food While You Cook – Those Calories Add Up
Serve your guests delicious-looking appetizers that taste like a salt lick. The person who wrote this article obviously never watched Hell’s Kitchen or Chopped.
Choose Foods that Won’t Make You Feel Guilty the Next Day
Here’s the super secret trick to guilt-free eating: Eat. Don’t feel guilty about it. Done.
Bring Fruits and Veggies to Parties and Work and Remind People About Their Weight Goals, They’ll Thank You!
They will not thank you. They may, in fact, throat punch you. There’s nothing wrong with bringing fruits and veggies to the party, there may well be something wrong with being what we Southerners call a “superior sumbitch,” you may be able to avoid that by skipping the second part of this advice. Instead consider “Bring fruits and veggies to parties and work and then shut up about it – find something more interesting to talk about than weight goals.”
Enjoy Fat Free Mock Versions of Your Favorite Holiday Foods, You’ll Never Miss the Full Fat Variety
I doubt that very much, and I do not think that the words “mock” and “food” should not be put together.
Divide Foods into Naughty and Nice
Use the holidays to ease yourself into a disordered relationship with food.
Don’t Read Articles About Holiday Diet Tips
You caught me, this one didn’t come from an article, it’s my advice – take it or leave it.
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