I'm not sure why I do this. Just when I need people the most I pull away and hide. I wish I was better at asking for help, I wish I was better at letting people in when things are rough. I'm not good at these things.
Tomorrow I have a bunch of blood drawn so they can start looking at my Thyroglobulin (Tg) again. but the real facts will come after my tests on Monday. It's not pleasant and I wish I could avoid it but frankly uncomfortable tests last a short time, the discomfort you feel from having cancer is much worse so better to just get it over with. I've hated waiting to have the tests done but now at least I'll have answers.
Again it could be nothing but the feeling I have in my gut is just like the feeling I had in the beginning, right before I was officially diagnosed with cancer.
Sadly as I was looking at the calendar to mark Mondays appointments off I realized something. By the time I am getting the result it will be my 2 year anniversary since the day I was diagnosed. It was June 30th 2009. For some reason once I recognized that date was close last year, I fell into a rough patch of depression. I am scared that I am at the beginning of the same slide right now.
I spent a large part of the day crying today, my crying turned to rage. I know now that I am angry again.
Angry that I have cancer
Angry that not all that long ago I was told there was only a trace amount of cancer showing on my scan.
Angry that it has ruined a lot of parts of my life.
Angry that it nearly destroyed my marriage.
Angry that my treatment is on hold because the drug company fucked up and the drug I need has been on shortage for a very long time.
Angry that my cancer might have spread
Angry that I have to be scared for the rest of my life (even once I am cancer free)
Angry that I have had cancer for almost 2 years when many people with the same cancer are cleared in a much faster time.
Angry that I feel so angry, when I have been blessed with so much in my life.
I am so sick and tired of being scared. I just want my life back. It's my life!!!!!!!!!!
Is that really so much to ask and pray for?
These articles might interest you :
Let me tell you why I love it so much: It's a light, silicone-based product that is absorbed so fast into the skin (you wouldn't believe it, in less than a few... Read moreBy Alexutza
HAIR & BEAUTY, LIFESTYLE
Have you heard of Isabella Water? If you haven't, you will. They are making a huge splash for the environment and people who need clean water. Read moreBy Getgoretro
Our lives are filled with things we can barely remember how we existed and functioned before we had it. Whether its an iphone, or the internet in general, or... Read moreBy Alysonisneat
BODY, MIND, SPIRIT, SPIRITUALITY
After much consideration, I have decided that I am very out of practice when it comes to drawing. Designing & being a designer is one thing, but being a true... Read moreBy Lauramoodley
CREATIVITY, SELF EXPRESSION
Photo LOST I think i look a bit lost in this photo, but then again i was walking, and suddenly told to “hold it” lol, so its a very natural pose. Read moreBy Lauramoodley
DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION
Wow, it feels like it's been forever since my last post! If anybody's been wondering where I've been (anybody?), I can sum it up in one word: school. Read moreBy Danielleb
DEBATE, DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION, WOMEN'S ISSUES
At least once a day at work, someone will call or come in and say, “I have a stupid question…” Our motto at the store is… there are NO stupid questions. Every... Read moreBy Redneckprincess
DIARIES, SELF EXPRESSION
MOST POPULAR FROM HEALTH
- The Shape of Things by Ninazolotow
- Finally a Fat Positive Salon by Danceswithfat
- Cultivating Conscious Choice by Ninazolotow
- “My Life Has Literally Changed” by Dietdoctor