Community Magazine

Heroin

By Rubytuesday
I was pretty devastated to hear that Peaches Geldof died of a heroin overdose
I was hoping and praying that it wouldn't be that
But I think I knew it would be
What else could it have been?
I can't imagine what her family are going through right now
The Geldof family has had more of their fair share of tragedy
Life is so unfair sometimes
Every time I hear of a young person dying of drugs
Whether it's someone I know personally or someone in the media
It breaks my heart
It really effects me
And gets me thinking about my own life
Even though I haven't used heroin or any other drugs in a couple of years, it still plays on my mind
I regularly have drug dreams
I get triggered a lot just like we get triggered with our eating disorders
Whereas some of us mat get triggered when we see a photo of a very underweight person
I get drug triggers
Certain dance music reminds me of using E
When I listen to it I my heart starts racing and I almost feel like I am on drugs
I think that's called euphoric recall
With heroin many things remind me of it
Getting blood taken is a massive trigger
Seeing the blood flow in to the vial brings back so many memories
I can't watch any shows or films about heroin use
Even tinfoil can trigger me as I used to smoke it also
For 6 years I was up to my neck in heroin addiction
I turned in to a person that I hardly recognised
I started when I was 18 ans shortly after that my parents separated
It was very sudden but it had been coming for a long time
My mother and I packed a bag and moved in a hotel
I remember I was starting a new job that week and had to commute the 2 hours every morning
After a week we moved in to a rented house
My drug use began to spiral out of control
Of course my family found out
I'll never forget the day my father found out
He looked at me and the color drained out of his face
I could literally see his heart breaking
Me and my then boyfriend were partners in crime
I think that's why you see so many drug addicted couples
Because you can handle anything if you have someone by your side
Heroin changed me
Physically it ruined my body
I lost an awful lot of weight
I remember my hipbones were so sharp and my tummy was concave
I was constantly gray in colour
My cheeks were sunken and my eyes were black
I was unrecognisable
One thing that I clearly remember about those days was the waiting
Waiting for lifts
Waiting for dealers who were in no hurry to come and meet me
Waiting for money
Waiting, waiting, waiting.......
And of course the sickness
The one thing that kept me using again and again was the fear of being sick
Your body becomes dependant on the drug
And it once it leaves your system withdrawals quickly set in
Imagine the worst flu you've ever had and multiply it by 100
It feels like your body is trying to turn inside out
And it's not only physical pain
It's mental torture too
It's a double whammy
I can remember being awake many nights, so so sick that I just wanted to die
It was horrific
I saw so many traumatic things over the years
Children is houses  with drug addicted parents
Children malnourished and uncared for
People overdosing
People almost killing each other over a gram
In a lot of ways I am blessed to have made it out alive
I was lucky
I got out
I moved across the country to a place where nobody knew me and I started a fresh
I left my old town
Away from old friends
I never go back there
And probably never will
But it's hard to escape it completely
Sometimes I get such intense cravings
If there was drugs right there and then I don't think I would be able to say no
I don't know if I'm strong enough
Heroin rips families apart
When you are addicted any love or respect you have for your family goes out the window
I lies to them
Manipulated them endlessly
Stole from them
Brought dangerous people in to their lives
The emotional toll on my family was huge
We can talk about it now as time passes by
My mother tells me stories about things I had forgotten about
It was a crazy time
Hearing about Peaches yesterday makes me feel so sad for her and her family
And it feels so close
It could have easily been me
It could have easily been my family
Sometimes I wish it had been me
But it wasn't
I am here
Even though I have many issues and am not in recovery
I still feel that my story could help others
I want it to help others
If one good thing comes out of all the things I have been through
Then it has been worth it

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