Lawd. Dippin’ and Doorknobbin’ can really take it out of you. I’m almost too pooped to toot… Almost. Pthhhpptt.
I should probably carbo load before the Big Day. And pepperoni loading couldn’t hurt, either.
What a rip. I only agreed to this cuz I thought the padded bra cutlets were gonna be made of real chicken meat.
I would totally be a Runaway Bride if it didn’t have the word ‘Running’ in it. Dang.
Oh, yeah. Smoochie still got it goin’ on.
The Kuntry Stoe Kardashians call it a Redneck Facial. Don’t be hatin’…
Basically, I’m just trying to fit in with all the hungry white women and not lose a finger at the buffet table. Oh Mi Dios.
Just say Yes to the dress.
And No to that third helping of Buffalo Wings, if you know what I mean.
The countdown to the highly anticipated Royal Redneck Almost-Wedding has begun, and this week on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo everyone was either sweating it out or shoveling it down in preparation for the Big Day.
With Sugar Bear still recuperating from his pancreatitis scare, Mama June had spent the last few weeks shuttling back and forth between Casa Boo and the hospital, which was causing her to fall behind in both household chores and Commitment Ceremony planning. Which in layman’s terms meant that she barely had enough time to pick out food from a menu, much less up off the living floor.
And that needed to change asap.
Luckily, Jessica had stepped up to the (…paper…) plate and offered to help keep the household running like a well oiled linoleum Slip ‘N Slide.
Taking on the role of Mini-Mama, Chubbs made certain the the house stayed in as close to one piece as possible, even if that meant hosing off Alana‘s shampoo-covered head in the same kitchen sink where they peeled potatoes and rinsed out Nugget the Chicken‘s sketti pot after her nap.
(Seriously. A damn chicken. In the house. On the oven. In a pot. I just can’t.)
And we all know that when you gotta get stuff done quickly and get back to the couch for more cheesy snacks, it’s all about the multi-tasking. So if someone lays an egg on the counter in the middle of Shampoo Night, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Just keep on keepin’ on, Girlfriend.
Heck…some of them fancy pants strip mall salons across town probably charge extra for that treatment and your house pet just pooped it out for free on the same cutting board you use for sausage links.
From what I recall the few times I’ve glanced at Toddlers & Tiaras, I believe you score extra points from the pageant judge when your hair is super big and shiny, anyway. So no matter what chaos takes place in that kitchen, I’d say it’s a win-win all around.
After rinsing all the blue ‘poo bubbles and chicken fuzz from her hair, Alana got right to mopping down the kitchen with one of those twisty fabric strip mops that the crazy State Fair guy with the headset mic is always selling in the ShamWow! booth.
But wait. There’s more!
Say what you will about Honey Boo Boo Child. You can’t say she ain’t thorough when it comes to her domestic responsibilities.
Boo mopped the floor. The stove. The kitchen counters. The outside of the refrigerator. The inside of the refrigerator. The food in the refrigerator.
You heard me. Even the food.
Who knew? I don’t recall the ShamWow! Guy ever showing me how easy it was to slop a dirty floor mop all over my cold cuts and milk cartons, thus speeding up not only the cleaning process but also the amount of time it takes for botulism to fully incubate on my Kraft cheese slices.
I’ve wasted so much time and money waiting for food to go bad all these years.
While Alana was busy infecting the household food supply, Mama was still back at the hospital with Sugar Bear, kanoodling and doorknobbing as they plotted his release.
The poor little guy looked so tired and just wanted to go home.
Sugar Bear missed his family. A lot. And no doubt also his mouthful of tobacco drool, because I’m pretty sure that hospital jello can’t compare to a wad of dip in your cheek.
But mostly he missed the girls and his big June Bug, and just wanted to be back home declaring his love for them all out of every open window. Extra loud, of course, so everyone could hear it over the sound of that train skimming the side of the garage every fifteen minutes. Can you even imagine?
With the doctor’s blessing, Mama packed up all his Firehouse Sub t-shirts and it was finally time to go home and begin the healing process.
And to pick out dresses for the Commitment Ceremony!
I know, right? Pumpkin in a dress. Shut. Up.
Now I don’t know what kind of fashion store GG Formals was supposed to be, but it looked like that first scene after Dorothy crash landed in Oz and she walked out of her house and almost went blind.
No. We’re not talking stuffy formal wear and prissy gowns.
We’re talking My Great Gypsy Redneck Hello Kitty Circus Pageant Rainbow Wedding.
On acid.
And can we talk dress code, while we’re at it? What kind of formal shop has their employees wear aprons? Like the kind they wear on that Cupcake show.
And who knew that Pumpkin was actually a girl? Did you? I totally would have lost that bet when she came out of the dressing room all awkward girly boob and smelly feet.
And how much do you think they had to pay that employee to stand inside the fitting room spraying it down with a can of Bowling Shoe Squirt?
Yup. Pumpkin proudly comparing her warm mismatched StinkFeet to soft brie followed by a moment of reflective self-doorknobbing pretty much did me in for this week.
I’m done. Can we go now?
I love this show.
While that cute little baby with the three thumbs rolled all around the floor like she was watching CrazyTown cartoons (…I mean…c’mon. How cute is that baby?…) the three big girls all paraded in and out of the fitting rooms in a veritable PopArt splash of I don’t know what.
There was seriously so much glitter and feathers and rhinestones and sequins ricocheting around the room that it appeared to send Alana into some kind of Go-Go Juice flashback that required her to physically support herself on the mirror with two hands until she stopped pageant trippin’.
Work it out, Smoochie. Work it out.
After finally agreeing on dresses that didn’t make the fat girls look so fat (…their words, not mine…) everyone headed home to show some more love and jump on Sugar Bear’s tender pancreas.
But it wouldn’t be an episode of Boo Boo if there wasn’t some eating involved. So bring on the pizza. And the wings. And more pizza. And more wings.
And then maybe even tiramisu, which made no sense whatsoever.
That’s right. June’s Almost-Wedding Bridal Shower was in full gear!
But we got the presents as an endless parade of friends and relatives streamed into Amici’s Restaurant. Let’s just say that if there really is a God of Reality TV, at least ten of them will have their own TLC show by the time the 2014 season lineup is revealed.
Starting with June’s sister Doe Doe.
Like the bird, I guess. Or two baby deer, maybe. I dunno.
Nice and smiley and super friendly.
And dating José, who pretty much gave me a reason to live again. Love. Him.
This guy was so politically incorrect that in his two fleeting minutes on camera he probably single handedly set the Justice for Janitors campaign back about 20 years.
He giggled about how the day he met Doe Doe (…in a Home Depot parking lot?…) she called him a Border Jumper and then asked him to go dancing at the Ramada.
Or something.
Full disclosure: I was so mesmerized by señor José that I may be making some of this up. Can I even say Border Jumper without getting my site shut down?
Then he showed June his dancing skills right there at the pizza table, which kind of looked like he was using two mops at one time but I couldn’t be certain. It was sort of like the Windshield Wiper move they used to do on MTV mixed with someone getting ready to tag a dumpster with two Krylon spray cans. I need to party with this guy asap.
Then he explained that he was the only male in the entire joint and that he was working hard at fitting in with all the White Women.
And then my head exploded and I woke up during a Geico commercial.
(Anybody know what day it is? Mike Mike Mike Mike…)
Shut the front door. And the border, por favor.
Seriously. Paula Deen can’t sell ham on QVC anymore but this dude just called out an entire room full of rednecks. Only in America.
Vote for José
Aside from the hilarity surrounding José and his mad dancing skills, there was also the usual sloppy eating and food fights as Pumpkin shoved tiramisu into Mama’s face and Alana inhaled everything she could fit on her plate.
Another friend Vicki skipped her appointment at the salon for a root touch-up and came straight to the party to show support for June. Not sure what was going on with her hair, but she was a good friend to make an appearance even though she predicted that June would bolt and not go through with the ceremony.
In a touching final moment, we got to see a side of Mama June that she works hard to hide. The softer side.
While trying to thank everyone for showing up, June got all choked up and then lost her nutty in a sobbing meltdown. After only seeing her pass gas and Monster Sneeze and do her jiggly Pageant Mom dance behind the judges all these years, it was nice to see Mama just be Mama.
Because it is what it is.
Mama loves her Man. And her Family. And her Friends. And her Food.
Pretty much in that order.
And when you can have them all together? All at once?
Even better.
So once José cleaned the place up, one more thing could be checked off The List.
All that was left this week was to go home, tuck in the kids, find a good doorknob and burn off some of that pizza.
Safety.
