OMG. Why didn’t we think of this before? The Honky Booty workout video with bonus Toot & Scoot dance moves DVD!
Do you mind if we discuss this later? I’ve got fat in my eye.
Proof that even Cupid buys in bulk. True Love now comes in industrial sized containers.
I don’t think it’s really necessary to drive-thru Burger King 14 times. I’m pretty sure you got that left turn down.
This rubber thing tones my arm flab and doubles as a pretty sweet cheese ball slingshot.
Boo Boo got back.
No lie. Then they ate the damn food right off the display. White People are cray, Yo.
Now where were we?
Oh, wait. I remember.
Love…and that strange pollen-looking fuzz that’s always stuck on their clothing…was in the air over at Casa Boo Boo.
When we last saw the Dynamic Duo, Mama June and Sugar Bear were in the kitchen getting all kinds of Romantical on each other, surrounded by a veritable potpourri of waxy Dollar Store scents, a chicken that was finally in his damn cage and one of those shiny golden plastic eggs that the fancy pantihose comes in over at Walgreen’s.
Yup. It was Proposal Day on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.
After 9 years of playing house, Sugar Bear had washed his hair and put on his funeral shirt in order to properly pop the question in the hopes that June would finally overcome her fear of the “M” Word.
Marriage, that is. Not Macaroni. Girlfriend definitely ain’t scared of her sketti.
With all the Boos peeking around every corner, Mama squirmed and blushed and left the room and flushed and then came back with her final answer. Sorta.
Since patience and table manners are slim to none in the Boo household, the girls couldn’t stand the suspense any longer and crashed the party right as Mama was about to break Sugie’s heart with a flat out ‘thanks, but no thanks’ and convinced her that a Commitment Ceremony was the next best thing to making it legal.
That didn’t sound so scary. And that way, Sugar Bear could still be one step closer to the “M” Word without Mama having to lose her nutty in front of God and TLC.
Done. Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner. Fried, of course.
And shoveled down in front of that live chicken who just sat there in its cage watching in horror. I don’t know if chickens actually blink or not, but if they do…that one didn’t.
There was also some better-than-sex back scratching to consummate the meal as Sugar worked his way up and down June’s beautimousity like a true playa.
Mama likes that shiz. If you’re gonna Love, wear the Glove. Or a Mitten, I guess.
All this non-wedding talk had made June and Sugar Bear a little sentimental about the good o’ days, so next we all gathered around the table for a trip down Memory Lane, courtesy of a few photo albums and a whole lot of TMI.
We saw Sugar Bear as a cub in a couple of his baby pictures and numerous vintage shots from the June B.C. era (…Before Calories…) back when she was a looker and cruised the dial-up internet for pieces of a**.
Yeah. That’s how they met. We’ll just save that one until the kids go to bed.
At 9 years and still going strong, Sugar Bear is Mama’s second longest relationship. Or so she said. Except that he’s actually the longest relationship. But the second one if you count the first one that was with another dude that only lasted for 5 years. The first longest with the second guy. So the second longest even though most countries consider 9 to be a larger number than 5. Or something.
Seriously. If Mama couldn’t even figure it out, don’t look at me.
I tell you. Math…and Exercise…are hard.
And speaking of…
Mama and Lauryn (…aka “Pumpkin“…) had decided that it might be in their best interest to shed a few pounds before the ceremony, so needless to say, it was right about now that the hilarity began to ensue.
Pumpkin had gained quite a bit of weight over the past 24 hours (…srsly…every time I see her, I swear…) and she was no longer fitting in with all the other bitches at McIntyre’s School For Skinny Girls. So clearly it was time to do one sit-up and then buy some equipment at Sports Authority.
Mama was even willing to cut the household soda supply pipeline if it would help, but Pumpkin felt that might be a little extreme. Let’s just start with that one sit-up.
As Pumpkin helped raise June up from the carpet using the same technique I saw somebody use to lift a horse from a sinkhole on the Discovery channel, it was clear they had a long way to go. But we love this crazy family, so more power to ‘em.
Feel the burn, girls.
While Mama and June were practicing their balancing act, Sugar Bear had been flipping channels and saw on Say Yes To The Dress how important a Wedding Planner was to the entire process.
So it was off to meet with Brandi Walker Maddox and her mute assistant Linh.
Forever Fabulous was their name.
Wedding Planning…and being sassy…was their game.
You know I loved Brandi. With her Ann Taylor blazer and Dance Moms braces, I’m going to assume she’s the only wedding planner in McIntyre. Which explains why she didn’t even feel the need to excuse herself whenever she thought she was going to laugh at June and all of June’s crazy budgetary and dietary restrictions.
She just laughed that kind of slurpy, wet laugh you laugh when you first get braces and flat out told June she was dreaming if she thought she could feed 60 people for $1500 and not come down the aisle naked.
Girrrl, pleez. You so crazy. OhHellNo. Jelly Beans are naaasty. But I do love me those Gummy Worms. MmmMmm.
Linh just kind of sat there motionless. I think she may have actually been a ventriloquist puppet for Brandi’s side job, because if they laugh every client out of the building I can’t believe they are pulling in much profit.
At least Mama and Sugie thought to completely obliterate the food sample table before they left and headed home to turn their ceremony into an extreme couponing DIY event.
$10,000? I don’t think so. I’ll take that cheese, though. Peace out.
Back home, it was time to start working off some of those Wedding Planner snacks, so Mama set up five circuit stations like they show on them infomercials complete with weights, rubber tubes and giant bouncy balls.
Lots of balls, actually. And nobody could stop saying it. Balls. Balls. Balls. Like they were all in 5th grade PE class getting hit in the junk on Dodge Ball Day.
Let’s just say it was a hot mess and move on.
Beyond the beautimous body, June explained that it was also important to work the facial muscles so they remained firm and toned for those days when you need to put some paint on that barn.
RuPaul would have been so proud, because she was totally giving Face.
Play-Doh Face.
Taking a break from the ceremonial planning, Jessica and Anna were making attempt #463 at completing their Learner’s Permit test. Having failed 462 times, they were determined to get it done this time around.
Unfortunately, only Chubbs passed, leaving Chickadee in her dust as she jerked and squealed out of the driveway with Sugar Bear strapped and trapped inside her uncle’s car.
Uncle Poodle. Dude. That is such an un-gay car. What are you thinking?
(Spoiler Alert: Without actually having access to any medical records, I would hazard a guess that inching along the highway towards a potentially flammable factory smokestack with Jessica behind the wheel may have helped put unnecessary stress on Sugar Bear’s heart. Just thinking out loud.)
Once everybody made it home with all their limbs intact, it was back to the planning process.
Or it would have been, if the new craze that’s sweeping the nation hadn’t reared its ugly…umm, rear…in the midst of the discussions.
Move over Monopoly…cuz you just got Doorknobbed, Bitch.
Doorknob! The game that combines screaming, unintentional exercise and thunderous flatulence into one hilarious pig pile of players all suffering from a low tolerance to dairy.
It’s pretty technical, so try to keep up.
Someone lets one rip. Then someone else screams “Doorknob!” Then the person who passeth the gasseth has to dash across the room and touch a doorknob while the person who did NOT release a butt honk tries and stops them by any means short of actual bloodshed or mutilation.
Sitting on their face is ok. Just don’t break their nose.
For the twist that you never saw coming, if the person who actually tooted can scream “Safety!” and put the international sign language symbol for Loser up on their forehead before the other non-tooting person can scream “Doorknob!” then the game is over as soon as it started and everyone goes back to updating Facebook. The End.
Did I mention that Alana came up with the game?
And that I used to read books?
Yeah.
As if that wasn’t enough fun, we then moved on to creating the guest list…and I need to meet all of these people immediately.
Best. Redneck. Drag Queen. Names. Ever.
Snap John. Little Willy. Pork Chop. Box Car. Catfish. Fat Daddy.
And please don’t forget to invite Corn and Niblet.
The best birth certificates in the world. I just can’t.
No wonder Sugar Bear passed out.
And he kinda did, poor thing. Sugie was in a bad way. Really bad.
As he was rushed to the hospital after a particularly bad night, it was clear that something was really wrong with Sugar Bear. And the whole thing got kind of real.
Call them what you will, but the Boos are Family. And that’s all that matters when one of them goes down.
Mama’s Chubby Chaser had pancreatitis.
Nobody could say it. Or spell it. But he had it.
And it’s pretty serious, because you kind of need your pancreas to stay inside you so it can do whatever it is that your pancreas does on a daily basis.
(If this was actually still The Learning Channel they would probably have had some medical special on the subject, but those dancing kids from Atlanta probably hogged the time slot. Or those Amish people who take off their funny hats and suddenly think they live on the Jersey Shore. As if.)
So Sugar Bear was sick. And everyone was getting sad and crying a little and realizing how much they loved him. Watching him read the homemade cards that the girls all scribbled out for him was actually a little touching because he always has that emotional glaze over his eyes when he talks about The Family.
If you were taking shots every time Mama accidentally said “Wedding” instead of “Commitment Ceremony” (…or every time Brandi and Mama tossed “Wing It” back and forth…) you were probably already passed out by now, but if you stuck around for the entire show than you know that they are one tight knit family.
Sloppy and pretty dirty and they touch waaaaaay too many doorknobs in one day.
But they’re Family.
And it is what it is. So they all banded together, had a couple of hugs and one more really good fart before going to bed to pray for Sugar Bear’s quick recovery.
Doorknob!
To Be Continued…
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