Heading Home

It's Monday morningUsually I would be at the doctors around this timeBut today is differentToday I am on a train from Cork bound for DublinIt's easier to go to Dublin first Then over to the west and my home townThe first train takes two hours forty minutesThen we get a team to Connolly train stationWhere we board another train that takes three hoursAfter that there is a thirty minute car ride to our houseSo all in allIt's a bit of a marathon of a journeyBut thenI don't tend to be conscious for most of itIt's an enjoyable trip thoughAs we are on trains so we can drink tea and stretch our legs and use the bathroom if we need to Hopefully All going wellWe should be home at about 7pm
Food for me has been really difficult this weekend From the moment we arrived until the moment we left I have been thinking about foodI guess because I am in someone else's houseI feel a bit out of control The foods I like to eat are not thereSo I have to go to the shops and stock upAt the moment I am eating a lot of picklesI always crave pickles when I am not feeling great physically I literally drink the vinegar from the jarAnd the strong, tangy, sour flavor hits the spot every timeSo we had to go through about four shops to find the pickles And the thing is Nothing else will doIt has to be picklesNot gherkins Not spring onions Mixed pickles
It started on Friday when we arrivedMy sisters partner had a lovely homely beef stew and mash ready for usPerfect for a chilly winter evening I demolished a big bowl fullBut I knew before I even started to eatThat it wouldn't stay downI washed it all down with fizzy 7upAnd excused myself to the bathroomThe house was smallTwo bedroomsAnd one bathroomAs I was sharing the facilities I needed to be quick, quiet and very clean and tidyThis started off a whole four days of eat, purge, eat, purge......I was literally eating every few minutesAnd purging just as much Over the weekend We ate out a couple of timesThis is a nightmare Purging in public bathrooms is not an easy task But Over the years I have found ways and means of doing itIt's amazing how you never forget that stuff
As you can tell My purging had increased of lateIt's becoming a problem againAnd my body feels every bit of it I feel weary Stiff And sore I hate purging But I feel utterly compelled to do itAnd now it seem to have set off some kind of chain reaction with eating and purging I literally couldn't stop eating And in turn purging I couldn't sit still on the couchEvery few minutes I would be up eating something elseIt's complete obsessive behaviourMy mom has already said it to meAnd I want to stopBut I feel so out of control its scaryNow I am going home I need to get back on track againI think I am going to ring Mary And ask her for a couple of top up sessions I really could do with the extra support right about now
I had no scales this weekend eitherWhich drove me slightly battyIn my head I have gained ten pounds There's another problem right there The scales I really need to end that relationship once and for allI want to be set free But in all realityI know the first thing o do when I get home is to weigh myself This is all so horribly familiarI've been here before Falling off the wagonMy ED is a slippery little sucker And my behaviours are snow balling at a rapid pace But still I kid myself in to thinking that I am ok Because I am not yet underweight When I know better I know that is complete horse shitIt doesn't matter how much you weighIt's the behavioursThe actions More so than the number on the scale God can I spiel this stuff outBut applying it to myself is so difficult 
Anyway I'm looking forward to getting homeTo see Honey and LeaWho I hear have been very afraid of the storm that hit this weekend Thunder drives them nuts!It's lovely to go awayBut it's even lovlier to come homeI can't wait to close the doorPut a fire on Change in to my pyjamas Make a cup of tea And cosy up on the couchSee you on the next post.....