Here’s My story….
I have 4 angel babies with my previous partner.
He called me a murderer
I feel empty, quilty, alone when it comes to talking about the babies I’ve lost the babies my body rejected. The names I’ve been called, the looks I’ve been given and the lies that have been spread about me.
Here is how it all began…..
I met my previous partner aged 18 we were together for just under 3 years and in that time I lost 4 angels. The happiness I felt every time I saw a positive pregnancy test soon replaced with fear, dread. The lack of support I had from my ex the numerous times he blamed me told me I was a murderer that I didn’t deserve children and that I must be doing something wrong. Words that shall haunt me forever the words stabbing me in my heart making me feel worthless.
I began to punish myself looking in the mirror I saw a women who would never carry a child. My life may as well have been over for as long as I can remember I had wanted to have children. I was working in a school at the time as a teaching assistant I needed to leave I needed to be away from the constant reminder that I was a failure. That I would never give the man I thought I loved a family.
The furthest I had lost a baby with my ex was 13 weeks + 1 we went to the scan believing everything was ok. I was smiling from ear to ear. I was past the 12 week stage I had no bleeding, no pain. I sat shaking in the waiting room my bladder feeling like it was going to burst. We went into the room and the lady was sohappy go lucky, she applied the cold gel to my belly and I cried tears of excitement to see my precious baby. The lady turned the screen away from us and said that she needed to do an internal. I went to the toilet to empty my bladder and allowed her to conduct an internal scan there was no noise, I could see my baby on the screen what was going on why did the lady look so worried. She left the room to get a consultant but I already knew my baby had died. That was it my body had failed again, My life was over they called it a ‘missed miscarriage’ and as my body hadn’t naturally allowed my angel to come away naturally I had to have a D+C.
The hospital arranged for me to see a specialist who told me to take baby aspirin (75mg) and high dose folic acid if we were going to try again.He couldn’t find anything wrong. But surely I couldn’t put my body and my mental state through another loss. I tried counseling it didn’t help I felt like they were judging me looking down at me as I was just wanted to be a mom.
Tweleve weeks after my previous loss I had been experiencing pains in my abdomen they decided to scan me to check that the ‘product’ had all been removed. They proceded to scan me internally and once again the sonographer left the room, Panic set in what was happening after lying their for what felt like an eternity. They told me I was pregnant. I got up and left the room and threw up. I was 6 weeks 4 days (ish) pregnant they referred me to EPAU and arranged scans for me every 2 weeks. I left the hospital and cried all the way home, praying this baby would survive.
That night I began to bleed. My ex refused to come to the hospital claiming he was to tired. The hospital kept me in over night unable to scan me until the following morning. I was sent down to EPAU they scanned me my baby was ok, they were unable to tell me why I had bled.
The following weekend me and my ex split he blamed me for the loss of our angels, told me I was a failure and that my body was useless.
The pregnancy progressed I had up and downs but I needed to be strong.
He refused to come to scans and said that he didn’t wish to be part of my child’s life. I met my current partner John whilst pregnant and he has been a great support, helped me talk through my worries, held me whilst I cried.
Had I failed my unborn child?
On October 31st 2009 I gave birth to my rainbow baby Lucas . He is my life.
My ex is yet to man up and be part of Lucas’ life through his choice not mine.
