I married a woman; she is extremely bull-headed, has very intense emotions, and is 12 years my junior.
She has moments where she is extremely out of touch with reality, I can sit with her, I can try to explain to her what it means to be an adult, and we can go back and forth in her on a. what it means to be an adult, b. discussing, VERY delicately, why she feels that she is 100% sane, and swill not hear otherwise, period.
My wife is not insane, she is roughly 75% crazy, but she is definitely not insane.
No matter what I do or say, I CANNOT change my wife! And yet, just as an addict does, I constantly try to talk sense into her.
A lot happens in 12 years, and the fact that I have been alive, and had that much more experience then she has, seems to make absolutely zero difference when it comes to trying to explain to her, even a little, about how life works.
So I keep trying, failing, trying, failing, and so on, and so on, and so on.
I would give a tremendous about, to be able to have the strength that it would take to accept that fact that I cannot change her, even an ounce, even an iota.
I have learned in my life, that there are certain things that I can, and cannot change. My wife, obviously I cannot. On a good day, a VERY good day, maybe, I have control of the space in-between my ears.
I make mistakes; I don’t listen to my wife fairly. I don’t let her express her thoughts and ideas fully, hardly ever. Why, most likely, because I am insecure, and afraid that perhaps she is brighter than I am in many areas, and has many more earnable skills than I have.
I would literally give nearly everything that I have. To be able to change myself, to have the courage to dig down deep reach past all my issues, and change to become the man that she wants, the husband that she needs, and the man that she deserves.
The wisdom to know the difference is the hardest part.
Clearly, if I, had the ability to know the difference, between these behaviors, my life would be a much happier and more complete one. By Far!
It is my fault, because I am an addict, albeit a sober one, that my relationship, and in fact most of my relationships are pretty dysfunctional. The title of this post comes from the literature of Alcoholics Anonymous.
It is also one of the only concepts that I personally consider being of any much value, where that particular program is concerned. Again, this is simply my personal opinion.
I have been and G-d willing will continue to be one of the lucky ones where recovery is concerned. I have made great strides towards being able to fulfill the concept, which is again, the title of this post.
The problem with being an addict is that we repeat the same things over and over again, expecting different results. I dearly love my wife, I dearly love my son, and I dearly love my life.
I would rather die, than lose them.
What I must clearly do, is to teach myself in whatever way it takes, to: Have the strength to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!
