Humor Magazine

Guest Post: Burn Gingers And Save The Planet! – A Shocking Gingerfightback Expose!

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss

gingerflash1-e1288608824120 Welcome Guest Post Author Jim O’Sullivan from On Jim’s page you can find:  Gingers, Poetry, Nonsense, Red Hair, Hope, and Sausages. Not necessarily in that order. Jim is a great friend of LAP so be sure to check out his site. Also, if you are a Ginger and are having trouble with bullies, Jim has some resources listed you can use as well.


As the debate surrounding Climate Change continues, Gingerfightback can reveal that burning Gingers is being considered by Governments around the globe.


We have received a copy of a paper presented to a shadowy Davos Forum by Lauren Parapapompom, Head of Research for the French Government’s shadowy L’Insistitute D’Ecolologie et Humanananitaire.   The paper entitled “Gingers in a Low Carbon Future” (Ref LDEH 10/08543236/GH/ASQ/3) highlights research conducted by the shadowy Institute of Human Smouldering (IHS) that Gingers have on average fifty percent less carbon in their bodies and therefore make a more efficient burning material than dinosaurs or your next door neighbour’s shower curtain.

It also indicates that controlled freckle release could aerate the atmosphere by 3%.

It also indicates that controlled freckle release could aerate the atmosphere by 3%.

The idea is controversial as Parapapompom admits, “But if we can secure the future of humankind and those lovely big eyed seals and fluffy polar bears by burning a few carrot tops, surely it is worth it?”   Breeder farms (to be known as Cropping Zones) would be established in Mauritania, where cropped Gingers would be used to fuel Ginger Fired Power Stations (GFPS).  Negotiations between the Mauritanian, French and Spanish governments are to export the generated electricity through a trnascontinetial pipeline to Europe.


  The report states, “GFPS Ash can be used to propagate food stations for Ginger cropping zones.  It is considered feasible that this programme could breed red haired people for eating (The Quarter Pounder McGinger has proved popular with focus groups) thus helping solve the world’s food production crisis as well! Ginger meat is leaner than Ostrich and makes a fine stew.  Especially with dumplings.”   The shadowy IHS has prepared studies to use Ginger skeletons as a stock for a nutritious soup.  Commenting on this option the shadowy Organisation for African Backhanders said, “We have the room for Ginger cropping and we love soup. Minestrone especially!”   But burning Gingers is not a recent phenomenon.



Queen Victoria was a keen advocate of Ginger fires, as revealed in her private diaries. Her entry of November 12th 1846 states, “I do wish Albert would desist from fiddling with that chain around his vitals and turn his inventive mind to how we can burn more redheads to keep the Palace warm. I’m freezing my knackers off in here.”



Prince Albert having completed his plans for his Great Genital Exhibition (the word genital was removed as a peon to sensitivities at the time) ordered the Great Reforming Ginger Commission of 1848.   The Commission, investigated the issue of “kindling” Gingers and whilst the Quaker on the commission (Nathaniel Tingaling) objected to the practice, Farmers, Chimney makers, bobble hat weavers and a shadowy figure only referred to as “Red Tom”  pressed for the practice to be retained.   As Ginger children were barred from picking horses teeth for food (a major source of nutrition at the time) or climb chimneys to lick soot, the only means of earning a living for many of them was to dispose of body parts to the great country estates.   The famous Victorian nursery rhyme “Wobbly One Legged Ginger” captures the essence of the hordes of unbalanced redheads tottering around the countryside.   “But pity the poor lass and careful you don’t singe her Don’t worry sir! For we’re to fire this Ginger!”


  The Commission concluded;   “Without the practice of firing, there is a real danger that the habits of licentiousness in Ginger people will percolate through the entire labouring classes and they will seek full retribution from us. The Rich. This cannot be condoned.   Furthermore it is entirely reasonable and consistent with the laws set out in Holy Scriptures – (The Book of Relevavavations, Chapter 3 Verses 2-5 – “For Seth, despairing of the cold winds shook his fist in mighty anger at the red skies and bade the Lord “Fire in the red sky! It is no more than they deserve”).   It is apposite and honourable that the burning of Gingers should continue as they offer a fruity tang to the malodorous air of London.”   Burning Gingers only lost its attraction when the more efficient practice of burning moustaches became widespread in the Edwardian era.


  Could it make a spectacular return? —–


Facebook: Long Awkward Pause
Twitter: @LongAwkPause
Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic
Would you like to see a topic discussed on L.A.P?  Follow this link HERE.

You Might Also Like :

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog

These articles might interest you :

  • Shilo Sanders- Son Of Deion Sanders Thanks Courts For Allowing Him To Live With...

    Shilo Sanders- Deion Sanders Thanks Courts Allowing Live With Pilar

    ChristianNews Shilo Sanders, the son of NFL Hall of Famer,  Deion Sanders took to twitter to “thank” the courts for allowing him to live with his mother, Pilar... Read more

    The 04 August 2017 by   Firstladyb
  • “I Feel Great”

    Feel Great”

    Jakub went to his doctor's office believing that he had a back injury, but returned with a chocking diagnosis instead. He had type 2 diabetes - in spite of... Read more

    The 04 August 2017 by   Dietdoctor
  • July Allotment Recap (2/2)

    July Allotment Recap (2/2)

    Sunday afternoon saw us return bravely to 24a even though there were more thundery showers foretold by the weatherman. I will admit that I guffawed at the... Read more

    The 04 August 2017 by   Chrryblossomtat2
  • Culinary Delicacies in Croatia- What to Eat and Drink in Croatia

    Culinary Delicacies Croatia- What Drink Croatia

    In my earlier post, we spoke about how Croatia is a stunning European destination, let us now see what are the culinary delicacies in Croatia or what you can... Read more

    The 04 August 2017 by   Kash Pals
  • #Golf Training Aids Spotlight: The Delta Putt

    #Golf Training Aids Spotlight: Delta Putt

    Do you consider yourself to be a strong putter or do you feel you could improve your make percentage on the green? Most amateurs could use help with the flat... Read more

    The 04 August 2017 by   Golfforbeginners
  • Three Incredible Hikes in Southern Iceland3 Min Read

    Three Incredible Hikes Southern Iceland3 Read

    Nature takes center stage in Iceland, where there's a stunning view around every bend: massive glaciers, expansive lava fields, powerful waterfalls, black sand... Read more

    The 04 August 2017 by   Healthytravelblog
  • What I Wore: Daytime Pajamas

    What Wore: Daytime Pajamas

    Pajama top: ELOQUII (14) | Pajama pants: ELOQUII (14) | Shoes: ASOS (similar) | Earrings: J. Crew ( same in different colors, similar concept in same color) |... Read more

    The 04 August 2017 by   Wardrobeoxygen

Paperblog Hot Topics