Have you heard of the fantastic, the exciting: “Lemon Juice Cleanse?!“
How it works: you mix lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water together and consume nothing but 160 ounces of this for ONLY 10 days to lose 15lbs! In the mornings you get to do “salt water flushes” (literally drinking sea salt) and at night you drink laxative tea.
This will “detoxify” your system and clean out all of the excess in your digestive tract. You heard right, folks: you will shit yourself skinny in no time!
Hell yeah bruh bruh! The lemon I deserve!
When I think “lean and sexy” I think of a man (or woman) taking a violent shit every 30 minutes and vomiting from salt water consumption.
After the diet you will have increased energy! This is in no way due to being able to eat actual food.
Try this diet if you want to look absolutely stunning in your coffin after you pass out from malnutrition while you’re driving your car.
Anyone who has attempted to lose weight has come across a fad diet whether they know it or not. Fad diets are diets proclaiming “the answer” to weight loss. Their answer is typically either a focus on only one aspect of nutrition, or a nonsensical practice backed up by mountains of junk science.
Some people have a degree of success on the diets, and these people become louder and more annoying than a flock of seagulls in a movie theater. They saturate your ear-holes with success stories and disputable “facts” of weight loss, and it becomes difficult to tell true from false, right from wrong.
The truth is: all fad diets will have some truth to them and they’ll all work as advertised–but not because of the reasons they claim, and certainly not because there is some secret. Human physiology is extremely complex, but as far as dieting is concerned it is extremely simple: burn more calories than you consume, and you will lose weight. There are a lot of caveats anchored to that for optimum results, but that is the gist of it and that is how it’s always been.
“…burn more calories than you consume, and you will lose weight…”
- The lemon juice cleanse will work, but the reason why is not some holistic, magical solution: it is because you consume practically no calories and expel water through your butthole.
- Weight Watchers will work, but not because the point system is some next-level eating strategy; points are calories and macronutrients reduced to smaller numbers.
- The Atkins diet (and any ketogenic diet) will work, but more times than not it is because of decreased water retention and the outlawing of most things people would snack on. Satiety is increased via high protein consumption.
- Paleo diet will work, but for similar reasons as ketogenics. In reality reducing processed foods is a bonus, but not the reason people lose weight on the diet. It is typically due to reduced ability to snack and the inclusion of better nutrient profiles.
I could go on. If people took the time to learn a modicum of real information about our bodies and how they work, they would see WHY all the fads work but then kick themselves for not realizing it sooner.
This new year, shed the fa[d]t. You don’t need it. Eat healthy, whole foods, drink a lot of water and eat under your Total Daily Energy Expenditure (TDEE). It is that simple.
TDEE Calculator – Just calculate for BMR, exercise multipliers are more hypothetical.
There are too many fad diets to debunk, there are too many products you can buy. Thankfully, all you need to do is know how many calories you’re putting into your body and maybe get up and walk every now and then. More is better, but do what you can. Baby steps, consistency, and dedication are all it takes.
Best of luck this new year, from Shithead Central
Thanks for reading!
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Shithead Central dot com is the brain-child of a huge fuck-up.
Matt, the SHC mastermind, has tried and failed in just about everything he has ever attempted. A huge proponent of personal improvement, however: every new screw up and experience is taken as a learning opportunity. “Suck slightly less at everything” is Shithead Central’s dry, humorous way of saying “no one is perfect, but committing to being a better you is the way to live a truly enriching life.”
With articles about fitness, self-awareness, writing, critical thought, and even just the occasional satirical observation: Shithead Central is a hub for others who would strive to be better versions of themselves.
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