General Update

You might have noticed that I deleted a post called SistersI wrote it from place where I am still reeling from the argumentSo I decided it was better to delete itAs I'm sure we'll be back to normal pretty soonSo I decided to do a general update instead
On the wholeThings are goodThe best they've been in a long timeMy mood is betterI've accepted that my base line mood is probably lower than the average personIt's just in me to be on the melancholic sideBut that's okIt just makes my happier moments all the sweeterI tend to be more of a pessimist than an optimistA kind of expect the worst, hope for the best type of personBut that's ok tooIt just means I enjoy it all the more when things do go right
My weight is stablePraise the Lord my weight is stable!Like I would let you forget that little nugget of informationI knowI often write about my weightBut it's a big thing for me (excuse the pun)As I'm sure it is for any one struggling with an eating disorderAnd those in recoveryThose numbers become ingrained in our brainsI only have to look at a photo of myselfAnd I can tell you exactly what weight I was then My weight has yo-yo'ed for so longI've been every weight from emaciated to healthy And have clothes in all those sizes tooBut my weight now seems to have settled at a BMI of about 20Even though Mary has asked me not toI still weigh most daysI can't help myself Sometimes it's to reassure myselfSometimes to torture myselfWhatever the reason I weigh a lot I guess it's all part of the disorderIt's an addictionAnd a need to controlMy weight fluctuates about five pounds up and down over the course of a monthWhen it's lower I feel betterAnd when it's higher I am trying to get it down againBut I'm sure it has a lot to do with periods And bloating before that time of the month
Looking at myself in the mirrorI think I am seeing myself as I really amThere was definitely a time when I was at my thinnestThat I couldn't see how thin I was But I think that distortion has gone nowWhen I look in the mirrorI feel just about ok with what I seeNot disgustedNot fantasticJust pretty much okAnd having a tan is a big part of that I thinkI know it's not healthy to be tanning But I feel compelled to do it As I think it's helping me accept my bodyMy eyes still go to my flabby bitsMy wobbly bitsThe round bits And the bits that used to be tonedBut I think that's normal for any womanNot just someone with an ED
Of course maintaining a healthy weight Is not just about the aestheticsIt's essential for a healthy body Underweight Or overweightWhatever I may beIt effects my healthMy organsThe systems of the bodyHair, nails and skinEverythingI went without a period for over ten yearsAnd even though they are now backThe are still very irregular My physical health has drastically improved since regaining weightI didn't realize how unwell I was Until I started to feel better
What else?There is always the subject of my medsI'm not managing too well in that respectI misuse them about every second dayWhich is not goodI was at a meeting during the weekAnd someone told me that I looked 'alert'And that sometimes I look like I am 'nodding off'I was mortified to hear thisI know some days I've gone to meetings feeling sleepyBut I didn't think I was actually falling asleepMy sister also challenged me about this during the weekSo why am I still doing this I hear you askI'm deliberately not telling Mary or my doctorI'm getting my meds dispensed weekly nowSo I have the opportunity to abuse themAgainIt goes back to my inability to live in realityThat urge to get out of my own headTo escapeThe thing is I am planning to start a course in September They rang this week to arrange a date for my interview Which is in a couple of weeksI know if I want to do this And be really present I have to get on top of this meds situationOr else I am going to slip further and further down the rabbit hole 
Food wiseThings could also be better But like the veritable ostrichI am burying my head in the sandAnd pretending that everything is okThe last time I saw MaryShe asked me not to weighAnd to keep a food diaryNeither of which I have been doingI still believe that if I stop purgingMy weight will spin out of controlI guess I won't know this until I tryBut I don't know if I want to try Which is a terrible thing to sayBut it's the truth
So I guessOverallA lot of work has been doneBut there is still work to doAs I always sayBaby steps all the way