The jewels I find while playing Google Search Bingo never cease to amaze me. This morning I discovered a site built by men, for men, for the altruistic purpose of helping them to better understand us women. The particular article I happened to stumble upon attempted to explain the differences between what women say and what they mean. Not one to cast a shadow over journalistic integrity, the author duly credited his source - a female spy named Pamela (nothing remotely suspicious about that pseudonym). 'Pamela' put her life on the line to clue the author in on the fact that we subtly manipulate our language in order to hide that we're asking for something. Apparently, guys are so dumb that they won't realize they're doing us a favour and consequently won't ask us for one in return. 'Pamela' went on to provide some helpful examples.
If a woman says: 'I'm so tired!' she means: 'Can you pick me up from work?' If a woman says 'I feel sick,' she means 'Don't go on a lads night out tonight,' and if she says anything with the words 'Mother;' 'Hair;' or 'Work' in it, she means 'Not tonight, baby.' I know a few of my male readers, and they are all sharp, witty, intuitive guys, so the following message is not intended for them, but rather for any men who find women so confusing that they need to rely on 'self-help' articles to communicate with us, (and I seriously hope such a creature doesn't actually exist). When we say 'I'm so tired,' we mean 'I'm so tired.' When we say 'I feel sick,' we mean 'I feel sick, swap bodily fluids with me at your own risk.' As for using our mothers, our hair or work to get out of sex, I honestly don't think that's likely in the twenty-first century unless your 'girlfriend' lives in the magic, 52 inch black box on your wall.
The rest of the site, featuring articles with titles like 'How to impress a woman without spending all your money' and 'What's stopping you from sealing the deal,' are enough to send any female writer worth her salt into multiple blog-gasms. I was torn between wiping up the coffee I kept spitting and highlighting all the lampoon-worthy passages, (I haven't seen so much blue since Avatar). I can't say that the site made me angry; it wasn't thought provoking enough. It didn't make me sad, either; I have too much faith in the wisdom of the majority of the male population for that. The only way I can think of to summarise the way it made me feel is with a time honoured expression that crosses cultural and gender boundaries alike...