Today I'm disclosing things that have to do with the fact that I've had to estrange myself from toxic family members and other people who I know and love, who I'm not willing to sacrifice anything more for.
Obviously, this doesn't apply to every member of my family. People should know whether they're a "toxic" person, or not. Like a lot of people, I spent years of my life I being an idiot.
But now I owe all of my happiness in this chapter to God... the passion He's placed in my heart to create beauty through parties and to write Cater-Hater, sharing my ideas and tips and tricks with all of you here on the Internet. ~I clear my throat now... and candidly begin~ I was a complete idiot for a long time wanting the approval of others, and of course being human -- I could forget that I've written this and relapse. But I highly doubt that I will. So hang on to that, we’ll get to how this ties in with the rest of my story in a minute. This past weekend I was working alone in the kitchen, which nowadays is my new "normal". For a moment, I thought back -- remembering a time in my life when someone (God knows I almost would've allowed anyone) would have been in my house with me. Or, I would have been on the phone, talking to someone who had not one lick of interest in anything I was, would be, or am interested in. I thought back to when I lived at my parents house, and that was eons ago. I remember telling my mom, “Mom, when I grow up, I’m not gonna get married or have kids. I'm gonna get a dog, live my life and be happy.”
My heart swells up when I think about that I said that, because I said what I meant about what I wanted, which is today the choice that I'm still happy that I've made, that I live with, everyday. “When I have a family….” was something that I never even thought about saying. Because... why would I want something that I essentially know nothing about? You can't miss what you never had.
I lived in a house that had parents in it, sure -- but it wasn't a family. We never did anything or went anywhere together. Our lives were quite compartmentalized, and separate. But even though, I thank God to this very day and in this very moment that I know Him and that I'm a part of His big family. God has allowed me to flourish. And because of His love, He put in me the love that I have for words and writing. And in His perfect timing, I came to love everything pertaining to parties. And I am so grateful that in this moment I know how very much I love Him, and them. Flashback to a few decades ago… As a young twenty something, I lived my own life very rarely hearing from anyone in my family; not if I didn't contact them first. I didn't go to college until I was in my 20's. I was and am what people refer to as a "late bloomer". And, I'm proud as heck of it; if you are too, be proud of it -- be very, very proud that you've sat back and watched everyone else make bigger fools of themselves than you have. Because in some cases, I'm sure that's true.
Back in the day, I worked real hard to try to forget that I was alone; to be able to manage the lack in that fact. In my stubborn foolishness, I got it in my head that the reason I didn't hear from my family was because there was something wrong with me and believed it for many years. It never occurred to me, since I did nothing to them, that they were damaged people who didn't really have very much to give.I married young (for the wrong reasons... what else is new?) and was still "just a baby" when I divorced early on, and felt I didn't want to get married again -- not at that point, anyway. Having already had enough time to become frustrated with relationships, I decided that I’d just work on me and so I did, spending years in talk-therapy, talking about what I thought at the time was bothering me. But I missed the main point.
I had things buried so deeply that I didn't have the first clue that anything more than what I talked about was even bothering me. And I sure as hell didn't know what the desires of my heart were because I was what "other people" wanted me to be, or what I felt like I should be (more for "them" than for me). The desires of my heart felt impossible to achieve – so I when I found myself with the Hollywood "creme de la creme" of the food and beverage "World of Parties" (of which all of the gloriously wonderful things that have happened [and there have been A LOT!] came my way because of the grace of God), that in my heart I loved it so much, I focused on that world; something "solid" that could be earned by showing up, doing what was expected of me, and being excellent in the work. That world encouraged me. That world complimented me. That world wasn't angry and ticked off at me every time I showed up. I remember a few times my mom would say something about “When you have a family” and under my breath (and it better had been "under my breath", or I would have had to deal with her wrath) I guffawed at her as I said “Mom, if I get married... I'm getting a dog, remember? That's what my "family" will look like.” I spoke those exact words. For an explanation why, see the bold sentence at the beginning of this post*. I roll my eyes at the unadulterated ignorance of my younger, insecure self. I could tell that what I had proclaimed made her uncomfortable, if for no other reason than it wasn't what she would have wanted or said. I could tell by the look in her eyes. It was as if they were saying, “Don’t say that. I don’t ever want you to end up alone.” That's kind of funny to me today. In the world that I live in, I could never "... end up alone". God has too many of his children here on the planet for me to ever end up alone. She looked right past me, being concerned about what she wanted. Forget about what I wanted. Things I often said to her took her to places she didn't ever want to go. God seems to have a funny sense of humor like that; putting people in our lives to teach us lessons that we try to run away from, but that we need to learn to oftentimes stop being so controlling. I could bet money on Him thinking, "When are they going to ever learn, they're not the one who is in control". My mom met my dad and got married later than most women did at here age. She was 34 years old when she had me. It's kind of funny, neither one of my parents talked about when and how they met. Maybe that explains why my dad says, "I didn't really love your mother when we got married". Of which, I am still scratching my head about that one; thinking... what? Now that's dumb. But it figures. I told you we weren't a "family". We "played family". I grew up going to church with my mom. My dad never went with us. We weren't religious. But we went to church. Looking back, I remember watching my mom crying in church. I think that was the only place she felt she could cry her tears over my dad, in safety. I didn't understand church. I didn't understand God. It wasn't until I found my way into my own relationship with Christ; did I cherish every moment of church and fellowship. And in doing so, God showed me just how much there was to love in having a family... His family.
This morning I was thinking about all of the mind-blowing experiences I've had, meeting all of the many famous celebrities and politicians I've met through the years -- and all I can think is,
“He sure does love all of us.” Like some of you, I've been laughed at and made fun of -- even sometimes by members of my family. I now realize that it's insecure people who pick on others. And now I celebrate my uniqueness and find power in my solitude, as I write about parties with my trusty and loyal Chihuahua lying by my side.Never let anyone steal your joy. Never let anyone steal your dreams. If you get started doing what you love later in life, don't beat yourself up about it. You are where you're at because that's where you're supposed to be, to learn the lesson(s) that you're supposed to learn in this season. Never let snarky remarks made to you define you. You are perfect in God's eyes and that's all that matters.
If you love parties and the party world as much as I do, don't make excuses for it. If it's good enough for God, then the positive things that you love are good enough for everyone else too, whether they like it or not. If they don't like it, tell the to talk to God about it -- since He made you; take your complaint back to the manufacturer. And your definition of the kind of family you choose to evolve in is your choice and your business, not "theirs".
Never make someone else your reason to live. Trust me, no one here on the planet is worth all that. Live your life for you, because you've only got one to life to live for.
God shows us a love and appreciation for family based on something that will likely be foreign to us, especially when our experience of "family" stems from a group of broke down war soldiers who lost the battle even before it had begun, with no sight into what the real war was all about; love. Not judgment. Love. Not making it about them, in their anger and bitterness. But love. When you follow the desires of your heart, in spite of what "they" think and what "they" have to say about it, your steps are (or will be) ordered by God, who will have you are walking in the right direction -- toward your election that He has mandated for your life. So hold your head high and never, ever be ashamed to follow your heart and dreams, even if it makes you look like an outcast. The single mindedness of prideful people, especially the ones driven by their lust for "things", who are fueled to get them through the sake of their large and very important (to them, anyway) egos are people worthy of staying away from. You're better off without them. For them, it's never going to be about you... or anything that is of interest to you, anyway. So you're better off creating the life you want to live, living it the way you see fit to do so. God is hoping that, "Someday when she or he has a family, I hope their main focus will be making it a big part of mine."I'm just glad I have my faith. God never lets me down, never makes me feel bad, and never plays mind games to manipulate my emotions. And that, is just some of why I love Him more than anyone on the planet. You can make it. Take whatever steps you have to take to feel good about yourself. Because Lord knows, you won't receive any reward in Heaven for "being nice". According to what I read for myself from the Bible, the only thing that pleases God is "faith". So from what I've read, we're making a big mistake when we allow ourselves to submit to feelings of insecurity that cause us to step away from that principal. My litmus test that I use is, when my spirit feels defiled -- I don't care who or what it is, I have to walk away. A defiled spirit is not of God. Whether you choose to believe in God or not, when we try to imagine how the "source" that is considered to be pure "love" could feel about the things that make us feel defiled, and whether or not we should gravitate towards or to separate ourselves from these things, common sense tells me that it would be the latter of the two. One of my Houston social networking friends, Art Jonak, said it best when he recently sent me a note that said, "Hang around people who, by their example, make you want to do and be better. #Grow". Today, he also sent out a message to a bunch of his online buddies that said, "Who cares if others don't believe, it's *your* dream... believe in it! #DreamBIG". Gotta love that Art Jonak, that's for sure. He's 100% right. No matter what you believe in, if you believe in anything greater than our existence at all... never let them bring you down. Keep true to yourself... and do you! Keep it positive and stay strong. With love... always be encouraged,
Obviously, this post doesn't apply to every member of my family. People should know whether they're "toxic" or not.
“Skepticism doesn't help you hear.” - Seth Godin
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