Femmish to English: a Translation Guide.

Expanding on yesterdays post, in which I reviewed an article on the apparently manipulative way women communicate with men in order to get what we want, I thought I'd make things easier for the guys out there still operating under the gross misconception that we are all evil puppet masters.  I'm positive there aren't many of you, and I trust that all two per cent of you will find the following informative.
FEMMISH TO ENGLISH: A TRANSLATION GUIDE TO COMMON PHRASES.
No (Femmish).  No (English).  I'm not in the mood now, but if you keep pawing at me I just might become inflamed with desire and ravish you (Mistranslation).
I'm tired (Femmish).  I'm tired (English).  Please be my servant (Mistranslation).
I'm sick (Femmish).  I'm sick (English).  I'm willing to feign an exotic disease in order to prevent you from going out with your friends on the wicked night of drunken whore mongering I'm certain you have planned (Mistranslation).  I love you (Femmish).  I love you (English).  You are the poor bastard I've decided to stick my talons into and render useless to other women from the neck down (Mistranslation).
I've been thinking about you (Femmish).  I've been thinking about you (English).  I've been sitting around in my pajamas for the past two days, tracking down your house on Google Earth and contemplating the thousands of methods I could employ to hurt you if you didn't call soon (Mistranslation).
  Please help me with this (Femmish).  Please help me with this (English).  Please drop whatever it was you were doing immediately and come do my bidding (Mistranslation).
We need to talk (Femmish).  We need to talk (English).  I''m pissed off, pregnant or about to propose (Mistranslation). 
What a cute baby (Femmish).  What a cute baby (English).  Brace yourself...Daddy (Mistranslation).
I like your mother (Femmish).  I like your mother (English).  Your mother and I are going out to scout for reception venues later (Mistranslation).
I thought you'd like this shirt (Femmish).  I thought you'd like this shirt (English).  I'm slowly but surely trying to change everything about you, starting with your fashion sense (Mistranslation).
Your friend is mean to me (Femmish). Your friend is mean to me (English). Your friend is at the top of my 'People to alienate you from in order to have you all to myself' list (Mistranslation). 
You're being a Douche (Femmish).  You're being a Douche (English).  I have resorted to childish name-calling because you were right and I was wrong, and I hope that doing so will illicit a half-hearted apology for daring to showcase your intellectual superiority (Mistranslation).  
I'm reasonably certain this guide will help, but should you still be unsure what a woman means when she uses any of the above phrases, there is one simple, sure-fire solution...
JUST FRIGGIN' ASK!