Episode 9 Recap: The One with the F%)king Traitor!

We’re into the final third of  season 5 with episode 9, “Everybody wants to rule the world”, and just when we thought things couldn’t get any more bizarre, yep, they actually do. This was one the strongest episodes so far this season, and my inner-trubie is definitely doing a happy dance today.

As we near the climax of the season the side story lines are getting wrapped up so we can all concentrate on the good stuff for the run-in.  Firstly Terry’s hideous fire demon saga (hopefully) reached its conclusion, and I thought it went out on a high note, with a terrific turn from Arlene, and I’ll admit I was pretty shocked when Terry actually went ahead and ended it by shooting Patrick in the head. Now those two can get back to doing what they are best at please, providing great comic relief.

Secondly the local hate gang were all rounded up, arrested or shot, by possibly the world’s most inept police force. (Although Sam reminded Andy later that Bud was in fact a far worse sheriff than he was). Of course we all knew time was running out for The Dragon when Office Stackhouse declared that the Obama masks could be because “they don’t want to get recognized”. No major surprise that Bud and his sweetie were right in the middle of the pig-shit, and once they had the luckless Sookie in their clutches the countdown clock really began to tick. “She’s a mind reader with electric fingers and a fetish for fangers” declares the overweight criminal mastermind in the pink fluffy slippers.  Her fiendish superiority doesn’t last the day though as she is hunted down and beaten up by the seemingly ever-angry naked Luna.

I suspect that Luna ain’t going to get much happier next week either now that Russell Edgington has given her only daughter to his new boy-toy as a present, all because Steve never had a pet, in his house there was only god. Yes, story-lines like this could only happen on True Blood. In defence of the were pack, both the growly grandma and even JD did try to tell the unhinged 3000 year old vampire that it wasn’t a good idea, but then Russell forgot his imitation southern drawl and went all Dracula on their ass. “Did you think my blood was free, you silly, silly dog”. Seriously how freaking awesome was that? I need to see a lot more of the dark lord, Count Edgington please!

A not  very honourable mention to Alcide who had some kind of flashback, blah, blah, that I didn’t listen to blah, blah and then hooked up with his dad, blah, blah. With a bit of luck they’ll hitch up the canopy and go on a very, very long road trip.

Now it’s down to the really good stuff.

Sookie didn’t actually make much progress in her quest to bring justice to the mysterious killer on the bridge this week. A freshly revived Lafayette tried to make contact with Freddy Kruger / Voldemort / whoever but the pesky apparition wasn’t coming out to play today. Instead we got some more not so good advice from Gran. Seriously Sookie we get it that everyone loves their Gran but this is the woman who approved of Bill Compton, who said Eric’s love for you wouldn’t last and told you that you might as well give up on relationships as we all die alone. Her cryptic advice this week led  Sookie to walk right into the middle of the Shifter killings mess. (See above). Just stay dead from now on please Gran, because Godric you ain’t. Still, despite the setback, this storyline has great potential and I’m enjoying seeing Sookie engage her brain for once this season. Oh and later on Sookie’s fairy friends appear to let her know that it’s the vampires themselves who are starting a war. Unfortunately they didn’t tell her whose idea the whole thing was!

Down at Fangtasia Tara is hoarding the Tru Blood, as news of the factory bombings is causing chaos in the un-dead world. Pam’s not having any of it, “whatever comes next we keep our heads down, our tits up and the Tru Blood flowing”.

Tara, who is getting to know the Pam that she doesn’t like other people to see, isn’t fooled anymore by the bravado, she knows she is missing Eric, and after her progeny gets back to work with the parting farewell of “Suck me vampire Barbie”, Pam mournfully fingers a photograph of her and her absent maker that is propped up in the frame of his Viking longboat (no not that Viking longboat, honestly ladies, it’s a real Viking longboat). Pam, however, may not be able to stay calm for too much longer, as the reject from a goth metal band that the authority have apparently sent to take over Eric’s area commits probably the greatest sin in the entire history of the show. I don’t mean the bit where he says that vamps can feed from humans or even the bit when he throws Pam across the room, no I mean the bit where the nasty little f*(ker sits his lily white ass on the Viking throne. I’m sorry but I’m just not having that (unless your name is Sookie or Pam)  from some jumped up creepy Marilyn Manson wannabe. One of 3 things needs to happen to the shit-bag sheriff please. 1) Pam needs to stake him. 2) Tara needs to stake him. 3) Ginger needs to stake him.

“Northman’s history”, we don’t think so.

Which brings us rather nicely to the main event, that means Eric, just in case you’re new to this site. Over at authority headquarters the female viewers finally get the full frontal they were promised, alas it’s not the one we were all hoping for, and I didn’t pay it much attention as I was too busy smiling at Rev. Newlin for stealing the blessing from the decidedly un-amused Salome. Everyone already loved Molly right? Big sigh of relief that she is one of the good guys, and big hurrah for Molly for being pinned to the wall by our Viking overlord. The poor girl didn’t stand a chance, if she wasn’t already planning an escape, she was frantically booking a one way ticket to Sweden by the end of that little scene. In fact they were so good, if I wasn’t such a long-time Sooric shipper, I’d be setting up a rival “Eric&Mollylovers” blog right now.

So anyway Molric (or shall we go with Erolly?) secretly devise a plan and Eric tootles off to make good with sister Nora. Thankfully when she starts spouting her religious bullshit we already know Eric is playing her to get on her good side. (And if it wasn’t for Godric I’d gladly stake her myself).

Shall we talk about Bill? Yes please. Eric, being a decent sort, wants to include Billy boy in the great escape and asks him to get hold of Salome’s blood to get them out. Big mistake Eric, you should never trust a rattle snake. Off goes Bill to make whoopy with Salome (who treats him to one of her greatest hits – the dance of the veils)………….

Can I just pause for a moment to talk about the male nudity on the show this season, the season that has already brought us a naked Sheriff Andy. Last week it was the grunting Alcide, and this week we had a naked Sam (in a pig pen) and now Bill (my eyes may never recover). Can I say WTF? Will it be Kevin laid out at police headquarters next week? We want some naked Viking and we want it now!

…………..Anyway back to Queen Bill, who still hasn’t learnt that a lady likes at least a little bit of foreplay, and decides to get off on a “draining Sookie” sex dream. Just for good measure Lilith is there too, all not sexy and caked in blood. I think I threw up a little bit in my mouth.

Eric and Molly’s break out is underway and Nora becomes the second lucky lady this week to live the dream (or at least the dream I have most nights) and get pinned against the wall by Eric.

Just for good measure he injects her unconscious; it probably wasn’t necessary as most of us would have become unconscious at that point anyway. But shock, horror, double shocker, Bill has betrayed them and Salome appears with her gay storm-troopers to arrest the fleeing fangers. Eric calls Bill “a fucking traitor”, which I suspect means the bromance is now officially over, and is hauled off, no doubt back to the authority cells.

My closing thoughts? Well there’s two main ones. Firstly, when the hell is Eric finally going to get out of there? It’s fast becoming like a vampire groundhog day. Pam and Tara need him out of there, Sookie needs him out of there, 99.9% of the female audience need him out of there. Cross everything you’ve got for next week, and please don’t let Molly meet a sticky end. And secondly – FUCK YOU Bill Compton, you slimy, douch-bag traitor, you are a pathetic excuse for a vampire, you are so damned weak that you could probably be influenced by a cardboard cut-out and you are not fit to wipe the shit off Mr Northman’s shoes. I sincerely hope that one day soon you meet the grisly painful true death your never-ending false humanity and overblown self importance deserves!

And that’s it for this week. Please feel free to join in and let us know what you thought.

Screen caps are by nymerias for E&SL or Barbara for Skarsgardfans. Eric gif by hotandflustered