MY NAME IS DUANE AND I LOVE MY LEMON ZESTER SO MUCH I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH IT.
Hello, my name is Duane. I am a mixologist. People call me Duane the mixologist. If you need a cocktail, please do not call out, “Hey bartender,” because I will not respond, as I am not a bartender. Please call me Duane, or Master Mixologist and I will be happy to serve you (sometimes when I’m feeling fun, I tell people that my name is Sir Mix-alot or Dr. Mixy and I get a fun reaction to my clever banter).
I work with Dave, but I do not like him very much because he calls me Sewage Duane and makes fun of me when really he should be making fun of himself because he is only a bartender.
Some people think it is fun to go out and have drinks at a bar, but I have found a way to make it an agonizingly slow and painful experience. Before this I worked at Applebee’s as assistant to the assistant head mixologist where I was in charge of filling the ice bins and stocking glassware.
In case you are ignorant, mixology is the process of making drinks exactly the same way a bartender does only taking much more time to do it. Mixology is very difficult and consists of putting ice in a glass and pouring alcohol over it. If there was such a thing as a double PhD in Mixology, I would probably own a degree in it right now.
I have an excellent memory and can hold up to two drinks in my head at any given time. If I can remember how to make the drinks without consulting The Bartender’s Guide, I am usually able to finish them in just under four minutes.
If you are interested in becoming a master mixologist like me, you probably won’t be able to because it’s more difficult than Navy Seal training, but here are the list of requirements anyway.
1. Spend at least 8 minutes talking about mixology and the forces that influenced you to arrive at this point in your life before making the drink that was ordered.
2. Tell the other bartenders what they are doing wrong every time they make a cocktail.
3. Bring your own Boston Shaker and Hawthorne strainer to work in a case you purchased from BevMo.
4. Wear a gay apron to hold your tools in.
5. Always carry a lemon zester in your pocket or apron, even when you are not working.
6. No matter what topic a guest brings up, steer the conversation towards things that you like and possibly any problems you are experiencing in your life at that moment.
7. Let everyone know that you are a mixologist by telling them over and over that you are a mixologist, and then show them your lemon zester.
8. Say things like “tinctures” and “flavor profiles” and “Please stop calling me bartender, I am a mixologist.”
9. Pull out your 15 mixology tools and describe in great detail their many purpose to guests until they want to wrap their lips around a tailpipe to end their pain.
10. If you come to my bar I will create a classic cocktail for you, but if you don’t like it, please don’t return it because I cannot afford to pay for it out of my tips, as I currently only work lunch shifts on Mondays and Tuesdays.
I wish they would fire Dave so I could have his shifts, but the owner says people always ask for him to make their drinks because they say he makes them fast. This is not fair because Dave hides my mixology tools which isn’t funny because the guests have to wait longer to get their drinks while I search for my tools, and usually while I’m searching for them, Dave makes them their drinks and takes credit for helping them.
I once offered to teach Dave how to properly craft cocktails, and he told me, “Sure, just let me go drain my main Duane first.” Then another time I asked if he wanted to borrow my lemon zester, and he said, “Hold that thought,” and then he started singing that Prince song really loud so I couldn’t talk, except he changed it to Purple Duane instead and everyone was laughing, but really I think they were laughing at Dave because he is only a bartender.
My mixology mentor’s name is Brad. He still works at Applebee’s and knows everything there is to know about cocktails and mixology. He lives in his mom’s basement and plays Farmville on his computer until 6:00 a.m.
One thing you should know about us mixologists is that we don’t “make drinks”. Instead we “craft cocktails”. I am writing a book about this very thing and I’m calling it Krafting Kocktails With Duane. ”Crafting” and “cocktails” both start with a “C” but I am using “K’s” because I am super “Kreative”. Haha, see what I mean?
Brad says lots of people will buy my book because it is so rare and valuable. My mom has already told me that she will buy three copies when it comes out. I have been working on my book for threes years now and it already has 31 pages and has much better writing than you will read on Dave’s blog. When I’m a best selling mixologist author I will come order a drink from Dave at his bar and not tip him.
If I had one piece of advice to pass on to aspiring mixologists, it would be this: Do not order drinks from Dave anymore or read his blog. He is an asshole. Also, get a lemon zester.
Sincerely yours forever,
Duane The Mixologist, a.k.a. Sir Mix-a-Lot (Haha)
