About four weeks ago, I decided to restructure my Black Girl with Glasses platform. Black Girl with Glasses is the titled of my WordPress blog (I’ve since launched a Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube Channel for it). It initially began as a platform for my political articles, often writing pieces about Black struggle and holding problematic people accountable. After a while, though, I’ve noticed that my emotional and psychological health was affected by the graphic videos of Black men, women, and children being gunned down for simply existing. I further realized that I was reporting nothing new, possibly contributing to the influx of negativity. Since then, I’ve decided to utilize my role as a creative to highlight the achievements of Black people.
Spotlighting on the positive aspects of being Black allowed me to focus on our history, our identity as a people. It also gave me the idea to advertise for Black businesses and organizations. Because I’m just starting my career as a freelancer, I am doing all of this for free and on my own time in the hopes that readers share the information. Paying it forward is the catalyst behind my literary activist work. Aside from analyzing the complexities of the human condition, I believe that change agents within the Black community should use their resources to support one another. And because people have done so much for me at no cost, providing services for free (to a certain extent) is the least I can do.
Which is why most people think they can take full advantage of me.
You see, my kindness is often mistaken for weakness because of my altruistic, empathic nature. There were numerous instances when my warm smile and attentive demeanor somehow assumed naivety on the part of manipulators. I innocently placed myself in the position to support people out of friendship, not realizing their authoritative and abusive personality until after they’ve become an intricate part of my life.
This tend to occur with my friendships with older Black women. They felt often felt at liberty to chastise me as if I were one of their children—and would do so harshly. And since I have the tendency to shut down when criticized, I would sit quietly while dissociating from the situation at hand. My consideration and the lingering childhood fear of disrespecting “authority figures” groomed me to react in such a manner.
My past experiences with overbearing (and semi-abusive) Black women, bullies and other forms of trauma are only a few reasons why I observe those I interact with. I secretly question a person’s intentions until they’ve proven themselves to be trustworthy. I do this now because I fear my kindness being used against me and my boundaries will be crossed. Through my trauma (regardless of the level of severity) I have learned that not everyone has honest intentions. Despite this fact, I still extend to folks the benefit of the doubt—especially those I’m romantically involved with. Rationally, I know that not everyone’s an antagonist or attempting to dehumanize me. But I’m more cautious about whom I disclose my personal business to and only do so when I’m extremely comfortable with people.
I’m also learning that kindness is not the equivalent to undeserved respect. If someone is to ever disrespect me for little to no reason, it’s perfectly rational to check them for crossing an emotional and/or physical boundary. Me being nice is not an invitation to be an emotional punching bag for people who are clearly insulting my intelligence.
And I am not a heartless individual if I need to distance myself from those who do not have my best interest in mind. I despise losing friends and—depending on the person—will do all I can to rectify whatever triggered their departure. But if the person is utilizing my kindness to exercise authority over me, I have the liberty to walk away without having to explain myself. I extend this to unhealthy family members as well; for the sake of loved ones, I’ve remained silent about what I’ve witnessed and was often the target of bullying. But I was often encouraged to be kind, quiet, civil and that advise nearly ruined my life. All because of my desperation to be the antithesis of the dysfunction I grew up in.
Long story short, kindness is as necessary to humans as oxygen and food. It’s the foundation of the interdependence needed for us to survive—especially communities of color. But there’s a difference between compassion and passiveness or leaving oneself open to being manipulated by toxic individuals. One can be supportive to the point of giving to someone in need and still call out problematic behavior when necessary. And, if the person or situation continues to be an issue, one has the permission to walk away.
There’s nothing wrong if you do.
In her spare time Black Girl with Glasses time reads, binges on Facebook, and spends time with beloved cat-son, Tobias.
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