Doctor Day

I'm just back from seeing my doctorWhat a relief it is to have finally told himThe nerves about this appointment started last weekWhen I realised I needed helpLast night full blown anxiety kicked inI was dreading telling my doctorNot because I was worried about what he would sayI mean what can he say?But because I hate to disappoint peopleEspecially someone who has put a lot of time and effort in to helping me with both my addictions and my EDI hate to let someone downWho has been so good and patient with me through the ups and downs over the yearsSo needless to sayI was not looking forward to this appointment
Anxiety woke me early this morningMy appointment was at 9 20amSo I had some time to killSo I listened to Ed Sheeran and Taylor Seift on repeat to take my mind off thingsI haven't told my mother or sister yetSo I've really had no one to talk toApart from you lovely ladiesBut stillI hate keeping this from themAnd I think they know something is upAs I've been going out a lotAnd have been very distant I'm actually surprised that they haven't realised that I am usingThey usually can tell straight awayBut then I am being very devious and sneakyAnd maybe they do suspect I don't know
So I piled my dogs in to the carAnd my mother and I set off for the doctorShe brought them down to the beachWhile I went to the surgeryI had to wait for about 20 minutesI'm sure the worry was written on my faceI was agitated and fidgety At one point I decided that I couldn't go through with itThen I heard my name calledAnd saw my doctor waiting for me 
I followed him in to his roomAnd sat in my usual seatHe tapped away on his computer for a momentBefore asking me how I wasI took a deep breathAnd told him things were not goodAnd that I had some bad news 'I've been using' I blurted outHe looked really surprisedShocked even'What happened?' He askedI told him about The BoyAlthough I made it clear that it was not his fault It was all new and my stupidityHe asked me if I had been smoking or injecting I told him neitherAnd explained about the poppy teaHe sat back in his chairAnd looked really disappointed He asked me some more about the boyAnd what I planned to do nowI told him that The Boy is movingSo at least temptation will be further awayAt this point he took out a drug testAnd asked me for a urine sampleI went off to the bathroomAnd peed on to the little cupIt was then that I suddenly thoughtWhat if this is clean?What if this dude had been given me some muck that he had concocted?And it wasn't poppy tea allI was actually worried that the sample would be clean
I headed back to my doctors roomHe was still tapping on his computerAfter a couple of minutes he checked the sample'Have you been smoking weed too?' He askedI said I hadn'tBut I had been in a room where it was being smokedAnywayThe sample was positive for opiates and hashMy heart sank a bitNow it all seems so realBefore I told anyone I could trick myself in to thinking that it wasn't that badAnd that there was nothing really to worry aboutBut seeing how serious my doctor took me todayI can see that I am in over my head 
He began writing up my scriptI asked him if he would consider increasing the methadoneHe gave me a point blank noBut after I expressed concern about withdrawalHe agreed to increase it by 4 mlsI was gladAnd I am also back on daily dispensingAs well as seeing an addiction counselor later on today
I feel huge relief having to my doctorI could easily have got away with not telling himAs he rarely drug tests meBut I know it was the right thing to doAnd he thanked me for being honest with him
So at least now I have some extra supportAnd I feel a bit better about the whole situationI am reluctant to tell my familyAnd am hoping I can get through this without having to worry themI guess I will just see how the next few days unfoldAnd if I feel I need to tell themI will
My weight is suffering through all of thisAnd I've lost a few poundsBut I guess that was to be expectedAnd hopefully I can hold steady where I am
SoMy plan for the week?I am seeing the addiction counselor later todayI am collecting my meds dailyI will avoid The Boy at all costsWhich is going to be hardBut has to be doneI'm going to go back swimmingAs I know it is good for meAnd I'm going to try my best to get my addicted ass to a meeting All this feels manageable And I feel good about getting back on track
I guess this whole situation shows me that I am not out of the woods when it comes to drugsI have no resistance No capacity to say noAnd I need more support in this respect
I also just want to say a huge thank you to you beautiful girlsYou know who you areFor your comments, texts and emailsFor your honestyYour kind wordsYour concernAnd your loveIt means more to me than you will ever knowThank youFrom the bottom of my heartThank you