Discharge

I saw Mary yesterdayAfter my trip to the dog shelterI always like to see MaryOur chats are always interesting and informativeWe know each other well by this stageI've been seeing her for four years nowMary often reminds me of our first sessionHer post was newA position that was greatly needed in the communityBefore MaryED patients were sent to General CBTBut Mary became a specific ED therapist So was geared more towards an ED patients needsMary often reminds me of the state I was in when I first saw herI was brokenBoth in body and mind In my mind This new therapy was the latest in a long line of failed attempts to get on top of my ED I had no expectations Very little hopeAfter allI had been through therapist who told me that I 'wasn't that bad'And another one who told me that I was 'emancipated'My memory of those first sessions is hazy But then everything from that time was hazyI was running off of fumes UnderweightMalnourished Mentally and physically weakAnd of course it wasn't a case that I miraculously recoveredIt was a long hard roadSo many sessions of butting headsMany many tears My walking out on more than one occasion I put up great resistance to getting wellMy weight has fluctuated greatly over the years From emaciated to just about heslthy and back again I had a break from Mary when I went in to treatmentAnother one when my weight became too low for her to see meAnd another one when her post was  cut due to budget issues But I always went backAnd Mary always made an effort to get me back 
I think you can probably guess where this post is heading Yes After four long yearsOf highs and lowsUps and downs Tears and laughter Mary informed me that she is formally discharging meAnd not because I am not engaging in therapyOr because my weight is too low to continueOh no It's because I am actually well enough!I was actually gobsmackedBecause most of the time I consider myself to be a perpetual f**k up Me Queen of trouble and mischief Is actually being dischargedBecause Mary considers me to be well enough!At first In my head I panickedI was like NooooI need youPlease don't goI need Mary in my lifeSometimes she is the only sane person I speak to of a week ButShe assured me that I have made great stridesAnd it's time 
We talked for a whileAbout the last four years And the progress that has been made In a lot of ways It happened quite suddenlyBut I think in reality I had spent years laying the ground workBy going to therapy Months in treatment And generally preparing myself mentally for recovery I am just over a year in to my recoveryI am weight restored I feel good My mood is goodMy health is the best it's been for a long time And I guess that it's now that I am feeling better That I realize how low and depressed I was I hated myself And resented lifeI had a passive death wishNot actively seeking deathBut welcoming it if it came Now I am stable I can feelAnd feint is no way as scary as I thought it would beI'm now strongCapable and ableAnd that feels amazing I'm now in the process of rebuilding my life And trying to find my place in the worldI don't equate beauty with weight anymoreAnd I am just finding myself My opinionsMy styleMy take on lifeI'm a 34 year old woman I've been through a lot I've survived this long through sheer stubbornness And determination I've abused my body so much over the years I'm just happy that it hasn't given up on me 
So yes Next Thursday will be my last appointment with Mary Then I am on my own Standing on my own two feet I feel ready I think I can do it I really think I can