Health Magazine

Depression; I Dreamed of Setting Myself on Fire

By Therealsupermum @TheRealSupermum


I am 33 now. I was eleven when I was diagnosed with depression. I lived in a violent home. I was bullied badly in school and most of my school life was spent trying to be invisible. I didn’t speak, was known as a mouse. If I had a voice what would I have said to the teachers who saw my bruises? I said nothing.

74682q5t7bhav32 198x300 Depression; I dreamed of setting myself on fireI put all my feelings in a jar in my heart. I couldn’t stop these bad things happening, I tried to stop thinking about them. When I left school I went from one bad situation to another that culminated in one massive event. That event broke me. It saw me being sectioned for nine months. In hospital they tried to medicate me. I would spit it out. I liked my thoughts.

I dreamed of setting myself on fire. I imagined hanging myself. I had a nurse but I just told them what I thought they wanted. I kept going in and out of sections, I was on self destruct convinced nobody would want me. I was ugly. A bad person. I walked around at 4am, just walking and not knowing where I was going or why. Became known to the police. The wandering one they called me.

So many doctors tried to figure me out, it became a hobby to collect reports. They all said I had this or that, I didn’t listen.

When I was 21, I had my first child. The most perfect boy. Right from the second he was born I knew I had to be a better person. He loved me without question. I tried so hard and even thought I was doing so well coping with him. Then at a check up they asked me to fill in a mood questionnaire. It showed I was severely depressed and I was crushed.

I didn’t act depressed, didn’t cry or anything but they took all my hope right then and crushed it. I was left feeling inadequate. I felt like my best wasn’t good enough. It meant my relationship with my son was fractured. I constantly questioned everything I did. I couldn’t enjoy him. I had my daughter to prove them wrong.

Somehow time passed and along the way there were other women in my relationship with my partner. He looked elsewhere a lot. It knocked me back. Massively but I stored it all in my jar.

I’ve got five kids now. I try hard to be the best mom i can be. Most days I feel like I am lost in a fog. I look around for help and there’s none, I lock it all away. That jar is full now I am sure, but the jar is the only thing I can do right.

My kids are happy, healthy and love me. I love them too but I am not good enough. I get it wrong, my thoughts turn dark at night where I have nightmares. Its like I am stuck in a puddle of sticky mud and its impossible to get out of it. Invisible hands pull me back and keep me down where I belong.

Not one person in my life has any clue, not one inkling of how my thoughts torture me, how hard it is to get up every day to face another day of failing. I hide it well. I worry about what to do with the jar when its so full. Where am I going to put my feelings?

I cant tell anyone my real feelings, they will run screaming. To be honest so would I. I just want to be good enough. I just want to be free of the chains that make me hate myself, but I wont be. Its a part of me.

This post is an inspirational anonymous post to highlight the effects of depression.


Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog

These articles might interest you :

  • Is Depression a Disability?

    Depression Disability?

    I believe it is. Any condition either a physical or mental one that prevents a person from doing normal day to day tasks is a disability in my eyes.What is a... Read more

    The 24 October 2012 by   Therealsupermum
  • Postnatal Depression Made Me Want to Harm My Baby

    Postnatal Depression Made Want Harm Baby

    Postnatal depression was not a new thing to me, I had faced this demon in my past, yet this time it felt like nothing I had ever felt before. Here I was a... Read more

    The 11 December 2011 by   Therealsupermum
  • Depression Forced Me To Self Harm

    Depression Forced Self Harm

    As a child I grew up in a household with a father who was an alcoholic and a gambler and a mother who suffered from depression. She was a mom of 3 at 21 years... Read more

    The 28 April 2012 by   Therealsupermum
  • Citalopram; Depression Makes Me Dependant Upon Anti-Depressants

    Citalopram; Depression Makes Dependant Upon Anti-Depressants

    Since 15 as well as the occasional panic attack, I had mild depression, no idea what the trigger was. But as I later learnt in A-level psychology, there isn’t... Read more

    The 28 April 2012 by   Therealsupermum
  • The Downside of Ambition: Depression

    Downside Ambition: Depression

    Image from The reality of some of the ambitious is that you desire to achieve success though there is nothing you truly love that... Read more

    The 24 July 2012 by   Candornews
  • What Does Depression Feel Like – Depression Diary

    What Does Depression Feel Like Diary

    What Does Depression Feel Like? One of the members of my Facebook Mums Group has asked if she can contribute her daily battles with depression on the blog,... Read more

    The 22 August 2012 by   Therealsupermum
  • Childhood Depression; I Was 13 When I Attempted Suicide

    Childhood Depression; When Attempted Suicide

    I Was 13 When Childhood Depression Made Me Attempt Suicide Was I an invisible child? Did none of the adults that were consistent in my younger years witness... Read more

    The 11 September 2012 by   Therealsupermum

Add a comment