Current Magazine

“Dead Man” Runs For President Of India To Prove He’s Alive

By Nottheworstnews @NotTheWorstNews

According to the Telegraph, a 32-year-old man, was officially declared to be dead after steps to declare him deceased were taken by vindictive family members upset that he wanted to marry a woman known as an “untouchable.” He has spent nine years trying to prove to government officials that he’s alive, with no success at reversing the declaration. So he has a plan to solve his problem: register as one of the 12 candidates for the presidency of India!

The Telegraph report states: “His manifesto contains only one pledge – to be recognised as alive – and he has no desire to be president.” That sounds like a lot of work, in a country of over a billion people! If this fellow was actually alive, (which he has apparently not yet sufficiently proven to the Telegraph), we would remind him it could be worse, so here’s:

3 Worse Things That Could Happen To A Man Running To Be President Of India To Prove He Is Not Dead

1. He could lose this election to a real dead candidate. Zombies have been pretty popular in cinema for the past few decades. So since this family hates this man so much, why not nominate a zombie to run the country? Sure, it would be embarrassing to lose an election to someone whose only manifesto is “Brains!” And more embarrassing when the zombie is declared to be alive, while our protagonist is declared to be “still dead”. And of course, if the man gets bitten by President Zombie, the Supreme Court of India will have to deal with constitutional issues never imagined when the country’s constitution went into effect in 1950.

2. He could lose to a dead president whose likeness is currently being used in an American film. We’re looking your way, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. First off, we suspect an American-born-Republican-Vampire-Hunter may be ineligible to lead India. Second, as this movie flopped at the box office this weekend, getting beat by this Vampire Hunter would make you like the Adam Sandler of Indian Presidential Elections. Just without the $50+ million dollar per year salary, and people-formally-recognizing-you-as-not-being-dead parts.

3. He could win the election, but have Donald Trump refuse to recognize him as being alive. “Trust me, my name’s on the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City, so I know how things work in India,” Trump would say, “I’ve got people searching for this so-called opposite-of-dead certificate in India, and they’re telling me it doesn’t exist. He even admitted to me he is dead. I can’t tell you when, but it happened.”


You Might Also Like :

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog

These articles might interest you :

Magazines