Days Like These....

I'm not feeling great todayI have this most awful feeling of dread hanging over me It's hard to be positive all the timeIt's hard to look on the bright side I just have this horrible feeling that something terrible is going to happenOr they maybe it already has 
As you knowMy meds have been increasedAnd I'm still adjusting to itThe increase in my methadone has been substantialAnd had been making me very drowsyYesterday for instanceI took my meds as prescribedAnd yet by mid afternoonI was on the nod Falling asleepAnd generally feeling a bit out of itI've been so sleepy That I felt like I have used somethingAnd it's no different to when I was misusing my meds 
There's other things tooI've cancelled a couple of reflexology appointments recentlyAnd today got a text from the last saying that there was no point in continuing And to contact her when I felt betterI felt really bad about thisAs I feel like I've messed her around Even though she sent me a lovely textAnd told me to take care of myself I still feel really guilty that I have messed that relationship up
I guess I'm feeling like I mess everything upThat I burn bridges Mess people around And generally royally f**k up everything I do
I spoke to my mother this morningTold her how I was feelingShe reminded me about what I said in my interview the other dayThat slips and relapses are part of recoveryAnd it doesn't mean failure It's just a bump in the road She told me to concentrate on one thing at a timeAnd asked me what do I want to sort out firstMy meds are the first thing that come to mindBut I don't know what else I can do thereI meanI am taking them properly It's just that I am on too much nowI guess I could talk to my doctorOr maybe I just need to wait until I get used to the new dose I don't know 
It's days like this that I really struggle I haven't been to a meetingI'm feeling sorry for myself And it's on days like thisThat I go from zero to suicidal in a matter of minutesMy mother reminded me that I am doing okTo think of this time last yearWhen I was really strugglingAnd that's trueThere have been many struggles overcomeBut on days like thisIt's very hard to see past the negative
The thing is That I want to be a good personI want to do the right thingMy fear is that I  am not ill And am in fact a bad personA selfish personAnd I don't want to be
So what to do on a day like this?I guess recognize that this is a bumpA slip It's just how I am feeling todayAnd feeling fantastic every moment of every day is allowedEven the most grounded and well adjusted person has a bad dayEveryone has bad days And that's okIt's all part of life
So yesAcknowledging I'm not okGiving myself space and time to feel like thisWithout trying to cheer myself upOr force myself to be happyTalk to someone Talking really does helpProviding your speaking to someone who has your best interests at heart Blogging helps me massively I know that when I am finished writing this postI will feel heaps betterAnd later on when I get get some commentsAnd I don't feel so aloneThat will make my heart swellAnd remind me that I have so many people cheering for meAnd willing me to do well
I guess on days like thisWe take extra careWe are kind to ourselves We are gentle with ourselves We remind ourselves that it's baby steps we need to takeAnd that we are in fact, exactly where we should beSo today I will take careI will walk my dogs Write my blog Sit in the sun and read my bookEat properly And generally take it easy on myselfTry to at least
With all that saidI was wondering about youHow do you get through days like these?What helps you?