Now Dasher. Now Dancer. Now Prancer and Vixen!
On Comet. On Cupid. On Donder and Blitzen!
And Josiah, Makai, Maliah, Nariah, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Jonah and Noah!
And the other ones…
…Elijiah, Joshua, Aidan, Caleb, Calyssa and Amerah.
That should cover it.
Wasn’t it just the other evening over cocktails when you lamented the fact that there was nobody out there carrying on the holiday traditions of the Osmond Family?
I know you were.
Nobody to give us some fresh, new holiday tunes to hum around the artificial tree while hanging 14 stockings on the mantel? No squeaky clean kids wandering aimlessly in circles waiting for a bathroom to free up?
Well, it looks like Santa got your letter.
I give you The Roctuplets.
While Octomom Nadya Suleman was off rehabbing her addiction to Xanax and learning how to better handle exhaustion, stress, anxiety and porn movie royalty checks, her eight little nuggets were busy filming their first Holiday Music Video.
With an assist from the six Original Recipe kids, the more famous eight just gave birth to the soon-to-be classic “I’m Ready for Christmas” and it is some seriously hot mess silver and gold to my ears.
Looking as though an adult accidently left their iPhone 5 just laying around with the camera app running, all 14 kids go completely mental spaz while lip synching amid what appears to be yet another day with no adult supervision.
Only this time there’s a Christmas tree in the room. So it’s festive.
The Suleman posse is redoinkulously cute, in that glassy eyed vacant stare kind of way that TMZ seems to create, and they do seem to be having a hoot as they Jingle Jangle around in circles like someone just yelled “Fire” in a crowded theater.
And they’re probably pretty psyched that Mom’s dirty movie just paid for that new house.
Now I’m not a big fan of pimping out your kids to make extra bank, and hopefully Mom can figure out how to pay the rent without doing the nasty in a bathtub again. But at least the kids have a roof over their head, so that’s gotta count as a Holiday Miracle.
Trust me. Mom is certifiable. I think the ladies of The View proved that a long time ago.
But the kids are just kids and deserve a break.
Plus the video is so bad it’s good. You’ll never get those two minutes of your life back…but ’tis the season, right?
And it’s still less painful than sitting outside of Best Buy at 3am waiting for a Wii Fit.
Mom couldn’t be here, so she sends her Holiday Kisses.
Bow chick a bow wow.
Happy Black Friday.