We all want to be at the top of the Food Pyramid cuz that’s where they put the chips. Figure it out.
Hi. Yeah. The dance was cute. I was just wondering why you still wear pigtails. Aren’t you like 27?
She doesn’t wanna mess with me right now. I know way too much. I know so much stuff…
I dunno. I have a PhD for cryin’ out loud. I just show up cuz craft services always has chips.
Nom. Nom. Nom. Dance Moms Is On. Nom. Nom. Nom. Dance Moms Is On. Nom. Nom. Nom.
OMG. I can’t. These BBQ chips are so hot. It’s like they’re literally burning my eyes right now.
That smart a** kid might be right about these chips, cuz I’m eating like I just got out of prison.
Srsly.
Was it just me, or did anyone else get the Dance Moms munchies this week?
Not sure why, but something made me hungry. Like a wolf, almost. I couldn’t stop eating for the whole hour. I think I went through two bags of potato chips.
I couldn’t tell if it was emotional eating, or stress induced, or what. Probably both.
I mean, this is Dance Moms, right? Whatever it was, I’m not proud.
Don’t get me wrong. I’d totally do it again. But I’m not proud.
Something about California really messes with her equilibrium, I swear.
It was also Week #2 of the Abby-imposed moratorium against ALL other outside activities for the girls. Because Dance was the focus now. Dance was the priority now.
Except for Maddie, that is, who was MIA somewhere doing a movie. And Abby herself, of course, who was MIA somewhere being certifiably crazy.
Hey, kids. Can you say ‘Double Standards?’ Because Holly certainly could.
And then Holly made this #HollyFace…
…and then this one…
Eventually, Abby rolled in with no eyebrows (…and hair that on the Miller BackComb And Tease Scale of 1-100 barely moved the needle to a shaky 4…) and began searching frantically for something to rat up the top of her ‘do so we could all finally get going.
Side note: Abby has a makeup artist that follows her around the studio all day.
F’realz. And her name is Diana. Just like Wonder Woman. And she has Pebbles Flintstone hair and a blood pressure reading that is probably off the charts.
And she doesn’t get paid enough. Trust me. Granted, I’ve never actually seen her paystub, but I can pretty much guarantee you that she doesn’t get paid enough.
Here’s Diana changing outfits for the Nickelodeon Awards last year:
Remember last year when Abby started unraveling and dumped her entire purse out on the floor looking for I forget what? And she found a cookie instead?
Let’s try and keep focus for a second, tho.
Bottom of the Pyramid: MIA Maddie, Kalani and Mackenzie. Mezzanine Level: Nia and JoJo and JoJo’s Hamster Ball Dance from last week.
And on Top: Maddie Stand-In/Guest Dancer Brynn!
Fashion Notes: The kids looked great in their new Black & White gear.
Not so matchy-matchy for a change, which was nice. Most of the Moms even decided to go along with this week’s Pantone theme. I think Brynn’s Mom Ashlee may have overslept on the day they filmed her interview confessional, because one shot looked like she was still wearing a black lace nightie.
Or maybe not. Regardless, we really enjoy the new Mom, even though she definitely likes to make sure all her girls get some air-time…if you know what I mean.
Solos: Kendall would perform a routine titled “The Meltdown” since last week’s interaction with her Mom was still so fresh in her head.
Just. Stop. Talking. Mom. Gawd.
Mackenzie was going to revive her famous Season One moment “All I Want To Do Is Sit On The Couch And Eat Chips” from 5 years ago, even though Abby totally got the quote wrong from the get-go. Google before Choreo. Always.
Remember that youtube clip?
When Mackenzie was only 6 years old and was missing half her teeth and preferred a bag o’ Lay’s over accepting any and all lead roles on Broadway?
Sometimes I think I may be a little too invested in their lives. But I digress.
The third solo was going to Nia and would be based on Taraji P. Henson‘s sassy character Cookie on the hit musical drama Empire.
One. Shout out to Taraji for bringing home the Golden Globe this week!
Two. We’re almost half way through already and this recap is just now starting to make any sense? Time Management’s not really my thang, yo. I like pretty pictures.
Side note: Melissa was being all feisty this week and not taking any crap from Abby.
Sup widdat?
Q. Do I really need to keep breaking down all the subtle nuances of this show for you every week? Haven’t you been around long enough by now to figure this stuff out on your own so I can get to bed earlier on Tuesday nights? Seriously.
Melissa said that Mackenzie’s potato chip quote was so famous that people had even made shirts about it and sold them on eBay, which was news to me. But I believe her.
I personally have at least three Pittsburgh Dance Moms logo tees that are stained with grease because I have a bad habit of wiping my hands on my clothing instead of getting my lazy a** off the couch and grabbing a napkin.
Look at this crew eating potato chips. Even gophers have better manners.
We’re jumping ahead a little bit, but Abby called Mackenzie a smart a**.
I know right? To her face. With the kids in the car!
All because she didn’t like the answer little MackZ gave her when asked about this week’s solo. Get the quote right first and then maybe we can have a pop quiz, lady.
Lemme tell you, Melissa was not having it and charged right into the studio for an emotional YouSaid SheSaid MaddieWoulda MackenzieCoulda screaming match which resulted in Melissa storming back to the bleachers warning all of America that Abby shouldn’t mess with her because she knew so much shizz about Abby’s…I dunno…finances…maybe?
Whoa.
Which brings us to Good Morning America‘s Breaking News.
Hold that sparkly iPhone a little closer to your face, Jill. What is this all about?
At first Holly was all like ‘I’mNotOneToGossipButThisLooksInteresting’…
And then she was all like ‘OoohNoSheDin’t!’…
And then they were all straight out like ‘SayWhaaaaa?’
And by now you’ve all seen the TMZ stories and the CVS magazine articles while you’re standing in line buying your 75% OFF christmas wrap. So take it to the chatrooms. You know what these recaps are all about by now. Stress makes me…you know.
Jill wanted to discuss the Elephant In The Corner (…what does that even mean? Isn’t he just there in the room wandering around?…) but Abby was going on like it was just another day at the office. Except for the itchy nose part.
Despite all the media hoopla, the girls needed to rehearse for the the weekend.
Did I mention that Abby wanted Nia to twerk? Like Nicki Minaj twerk? Because she did.
Well. My Anaconda don’t. And neither does Nia.
Nia’s a young lady now. And a role model. And raised right. And even though Abby showed her how she wanted it done, it wasn’t gonna happen.
Q. What do you think that driver thought when he cruised by the window and saw all of this goodness pressed up against the glass?
A. True Story.
Actually, there was a whole bunch of other MelissaStress and yelling and checking TMZ updates that went down before Competition Day, but all the potato chip jokes have put me a little behind schedule. Abby even called Mackenzie a disappointment and made her go on that bouncy tumble track thing and even went for Maddie’s baby teeth during one argument with Melissa.
Not literally, like they were in a jar or something. You know what I mean.
But this recap is running long, so we’re all leaving for NYDE right now, with or without you.
As the team arrived at the venue, the Moms were wondering what kind of reception they would receive, since you know how kids today do love their social media. Nobody knew if they would be walking into a cheering crowd or a firing squad.
Drumroll, please.
They had shirts made!
Well, not that one.
You wish.
That’s the one Jill wears when she cleans the bathroom.
The crowd was actually wearing this one…
Side note: I’ve been waiting almost a month for my 3 pack of Hanes to ship from Macys.com and yet somehow a herd of adolescent girls managed to manufacture brand new JailBreak couture and have the ink already dry by the weekend?
Something ain’t rite.
Let’s wrap this thing up, shall we?
The solos went well from the audience’s perspective. Mackenzie wore pigtails again, of course. Because, you know…she’s Mackenzie. And that’s kind of her thing until forever.
Kendall was supposed to wear latex old lady makeup, but freaked out and peeled it off like they do at a day spa when you need your pores unclogged. Word on the street is that she was allergic to the rubber, even though we never actually got the full deets before she had her pre-Meltdown…meltdown.
Nia nailed her routine, even though it was clear that the Sass to Actual Choreography Ratio was a little skewed. If I had remembered to mention earlier that this week’s winning solo would also do a solo NEXT week, the last few paragraphs would have been more beneficial in the long run.
My bad. But you gotta admit the gophers were on point.
And so were those wolf costumes, right?
I guess the days of sitting up in that MomPerch hot glueing Joanne Fabric sequins to iParty hats are truly long gone now, even though I really do miss Kelly and Christi swearing every time they burnt their fingers.
Shout out! We miss you!
True Story: That clip is actual backstage surveillance camera footage from the first time Kelly ever read my blog and I made fun of her hair.
Relax. I apologized like a million times.
And then the Awards.
Mackenzie took 4th Place for her Dance of the Eternal Pigtail. Kendall only scored 3rd Place but at least got a free facial for all her trouble. And Nia’s Cookie routine came in Second Place.
And then the group lost.
No First Place nothing for nobody.
At least that pretty lady on the stage got to pretend she had her own Talk Show for the day. Look at her go.
We’ll be right back with Mackenzie after this commercial for Palmolive.
And then Abby lost it again.
The Moms were just trying to let her know that they were all there for her and supporting her and if she wanted to talk about all the stuff that she wasn’t talking about they would all be around to talk about it and if she–
Hold up.
Did Abby just say–?
Did she just imply that they might all be going to jail with her?
Excuse me?
I’m done.
The Moms were done.
Everyone was done.
Let’s just go eat, girls. My treat.
See you next time!
