I know, right? It popped off like she was one of those glitter babies from Toddlers & Tiaras.
This would be a lot easier if I was still sitting in the kitchen sink giving myself a pageant spray tan.
It literally feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Or it could be the bow.
Turnt Up. Turnt Up. My Weave is with my Girls…Layin’ on the Dance Floor.
She snatched that mofo thang right off her own head. I’m the one who should be crying, honey.
All the money I’m paying this woman and she’s still going online for synthetic? Gurrrrrrrrl, pleez.
Honestly, I don’t understand any of these weave jokes. I just know that big hair makes your butt look smaller.
Lawd have mercy.
Dance Moms, I swear. This episode was snatched. Literally.
And you know how much I love a good weave joke, so let’s not waste any valuable time and just get this party started right now.
Week Two of what I assume is finally kinda sorta full-time LA status for Abby Lee Miller & Co. began just like it did in the last episode, with all the Moms and kids loitering on the sidewalk in front of the 3rd Street Dance Studio getting ready for the Pyramid of Shame.
That appears to be a thing now. Meeting up at the street level entrance with a bunch of half empty Dunkin Donuts Iced Coffees, I mean. Or at least until the new studio is open for bidnezz, anyway. Which, BTW, seems to be taking freaking forever to complete.
For. Ev. Ah.
Seriously. The Mystery Studio. Haven’t we been talking about this move to Los Angeles ever since Brooke skipped out on rehearsals and went to cheerleading try-outs?
(Full Disclosure: That may or may not be a photo of the actual tryouts. But the girls are wearing my old high school colors, so it’s kinda sorta the same thing. Plus, I miss the Hylands and nobody is making you read this. So sue me.)
Anyway. I don’t know if there’s an issue with the studio gas meters or asbestos removal or if they’re just holding out for a new season of ALDC:Cribs for the Big Reveal. But c’mon, people. You gotta be paying the floor guys triple overtime by now.
Side note: I have no idea where the Lifetime Limoliner drops them all off in the morning, but these Moms certainly had to walk far enough just to get to the studio door. Anyone else notice that? It was a pretty quick camera shot, but long enough for me to notice Melissa checking herself out in the reflection of an appliance store window while my MomCrush Jill tried to catch up to the other ladies by running like she was signed up for one of those Drag Queen high heel charity races.
Don’t leave me back here with Kira! Wait for me! Sissy that Walk!
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: Speaking of. You try hustling down W. 3rd in skinny jeans and wedges while carrying a 32 oz. plastic cup, your kid’s dance bag, ten pounds of Louis Vuitton and two feet of Bump-It. Try it. Then maybe we’ll talk.
And the cup had a straw in it, too. So it was almost like she was running with scissors.
Jill’s an icon. Your arguments are invalid.
As the girls headed up the 17 flights of stairs to their rented space, the Moms all chilled a few more minutes curbside to catch their breath and wonder out loud if the LA air was once again going to make Abby go insane.
I don’t know the actual medical term for terminal jet lag (…unless the term is actually just “terminal jet lag” and I’m making things harder than they need to be by using the word “term” five times in one sentence…) but something about being three hours off her normal eating/sleeping/screaming cycle had really done a number on Abby the last two times the ALDC visited California.
Spoiler Alert: Third time ain’t gonna be any different.
As everyone filed in for the Pyramid, Abby was actually in the building this time. Present and accounted for, Sergeant Vertes. At least physically, anyway.
Mentally? Not so much.
Side note: As long as we’re on the subject, you can still purchase Sergeant Vertes’ new Wear Em Out music video right here if you haven’t already, even though I’m pretty sure the only person on the planet who hasn’t coughed up some coins and downloaded it by now is Taylor Swift. Feel free to Google that one if you didn’t get the joke.
Because it’s yummy.
(Bonus Points to the soldier in the background who was all like Dat’sItI’mOuttaHere as soon as Cougar Abby started tickling those underage tummies. Don’t Scratch. Don’t Tell.)
Since Abby would clearly rather be revealing sweaty military six packs than shiny tweeny bop 8×10 glossies, she’s been flying right through the actual Pyramids the last few weeks, so we might as well do the same and only hit the high points.
The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia was on the bottom because last week’s solo had only been awarded a 5th place trophy. By itself, that wasn’t very newsworthy, but the new and improved Nia Sioux’s politely worded, maturely delivered “If I had more opportunities, maybe I would have been better at it” BooYeah got everyone’s attention as well as a couple of near church faints from a few of the Moms.
Not gonna lie. Part of me wanted my girl to just start unclipping some of that new hair and go all Jerry Springer on Abby’s a**. But Dr. Mama didn’t raise her to be like dat, so no chairs were harmed and/or thrown during the discussion. I don’t know what kind of Wiley Coyote ACME machine Aubrey O’Day put little Nia through during those recording sessions, but when she came out the other end on the conveyor belt she was a well spoken young lady, I must say.
With just enough of a subtle sassy undertone to make me a little verklempt, of course.
#StarInYourOwnLife. And then tell your mother she doesn’t have to wear her cross body bag like that when she’s inside the building. That’s how people wear them the first time they ever take the New York City subway without their husbands.
It’s ok. Nobody’s gonna snatch yo’ chapstick inside 3rd Street just because you made eye contact with a stranger, ma’am. You can let go of your purse now.
Srsly. How much do we love Holly? Werk that maxi-dress, gurl.
The rest of the Pyramid was the usual. I don’t think the whole thing means very much anymore since we blow through it so quickly each week. Even when Maddie tumbled from the top to the bottom it was still all just meh.
Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart/Big Girls Cry Reference: Yeah. There’s a third one now. Hold that thought.
This week the gang was headed to the Center Stage Dance Competition in Anaheim, CA. JoJoWithTheBowBow, MackZMusic and SiaBeYaMaddie all scored solos and Melissa scored some really big beachy hair in her confessional talking head segments.
Do The Math Time: This meant that Melissa must have either gotten new hot rollers or one of those curling irons that rotates in both directions for the perfect summer curl AND that Maddie and Mackenzie would be competing AGAINST each other for the first time in the history of I don’t know what.
Ziegler vs. Ziegler? Madness, I tell you. Mark my words…Chaos in the streets.
Spoiler Alert: I’m pretty sure Melissa was way more excited about her new hair than she was the prospect of pitting her two kids against each other in a cage match. For a number of reasons. Some clear. Some not so clear. And some clearly made up online as the evening progressed.
Elephant In The Room: Was it editing? Was it bad attitude? Bad parenting? Was it the three hour time difference? All of the above or none of the above? From this point on, the internet never quite recovered from anything and everything that went down between Melissa and her children for the remainder of the episode. But take it up in the comment section or the chatrooms if you’re about to explode. You know the rules around here.
I mean it. I have enough trouble keeping track of my two iTunes passwords and the extra long one for my modem, much less creating 20 more for every chatroom that burst into flames during this episode. I’m an equal opportunity Snarkster, thank you.
Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Hair Watch: We just covered that topic. Don’t even tell me you weren’t paying attention. Or worse…skimming.
Programming Note: If you haven’t time-stamped your DVR yet, do it now. Because right here is also when it started getting crazy and never stopped.
The group routine was being choreographed by Travis Payne. You heard me. The same Travis Payne who worked on Michael Jackson‘s This Is It! Tour before MJ passed. A little gig he picked up between dancing on Janet‘s Rhythm Nation Tour and winning three MTV Video Awards. Totes jealz.
Of him. His dancing. And his exceptionally airbrushed internet headshots. It’s like the guy has no pores online.
And of course he brought along Beyoncé‘s backup dancer Aisha Francis because she’s Beyoncé’s backup dancer so why not. She toured with Queen Bey and even co-created the “Crazy In Love” Booty Dance.
That makes two of us, bitch.
Moral of the Story: Everyone went crazy.
Especially Abby, who snatched her own weave just for something to do. I swear. Like BLOOP and it was completely off her head.
And then she played with it. Like a furry chew toy or something.
It was one of those little wiglet ones that babies wear in kiddie pageants that look like a cross between guinea pigs and Star Trek Tribbles. So she took it out all crazy like…
Until she just went completely Nutella and ended up playing with it all like…
No words.
Luckily, by the time the girls had to work on their solos the next day, Abby had figured out the tag goes in the back and was once again sporting a giant poof. All was right with the world for a few minutes. But just a few.
Maddie’s solo was a Go-Go Dance tap routine that she already knew somehow. Not to diss Maddie (…since the internet took care of that for me this week, thank you…) but I never realized that there was more than one tap dance even available out there for people to perform. I swear every time I’ve ever seen anyone tap dance I thought they were doing the same dance. Is it just me?
I mean, I know you can heel-toe-it a few times and make those big arm circles, but other than that. Am I wrong?
Mackenzie’s solo was another acrobatic sumthin sumthin with more mature choreography and fewer mouse and bee costume changes. I think she’s finally growing up, despite those two big Ellie Mae Clampett ponytails that Melissa insists on incorporating into every routine.
And the third routine would give JoJo the opportunity to be a Rebel Without A Cause…if she could ever stop crying.
That’s right. Abby made JoJo cry when she busted her for using “Master Class” terminology in some Facebook post promoting an upcoming Meet & Greet. Making the assumption that JoJo’s Dad didn’t earn enough money to cover the mortgage probably didn’t help the situation either. But Travis came to the rescue out in the hallway (…which totally looked like the same hallway that goes to the Olive Garden bathrooms…) and gave JoJo one of those motivational pep talks that Mike Brady always gave Jan.
You can do it, champ. Now put your glasses back on.
That bow big enough?
As all that hilarity was ensuing, the Moms were getting updated on Maddie’s third Sia music video that had just debuted on the internet at 4am.
Jessalynn Hilarity Scale: This Hollywood trip is comedy gold. If she doesn’t bring her One Woman Show to the Wang Theater in Boston this fall, I’m going to be very unhappy.
Sia texted Melissa just as the Moms were starting to cluck like hens. I’m going to say that there were approximately 419 HollyFaces this week because there’s no way I could count that fast during these MamaMoments. At least 86 of them were during this video conversation. That much I know for certain.
Shia LaBeouf even texted Maddie at some point for some reason, but hopefully not at 4am because that would make even Chris Hansen squirm in front of the Dateline cameras. I’ll stop here before I get inappropriate.
And then Kira said that everyone else said that the video was boring, which opened up a whole new can o’ worms. Melissa said she didn’t care what little kids had to say. And then Holly made some HollyFaces and Jessalynn did another couple minutes of stand-up.
1….What is Kira doing up at 4am in a strange new city anyway? 2…Why does Shia LaBeouf need Maddie’s cell phone number? 3…Why is Maddie’s phone nicer than mine? 4…And why did Melissa just diss a billion 10 year old girls who have the words and choreography to every Sia video memorized when she knows there’s strength in numbers and they could rip the whole front of her new million dollar mansion right off with their bare hands if they all got together after a One Direction concert?
She knows they’re all still emotionally fragile since Zayn left.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Well, after Travis gave Abby some of THE best Side Eye ever seen in the choreographical world, that is. I don’t think Abby will be interrupting our boy again any time soon.
Then it was Showtime! And time for Abby to snatch her weave again.
But at least this time it was for a good cause. Turns out that Maddie’s Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In bouffant bump wasn’t big enough, so Abby’s Tribble jumped from one head to another just like it did in the Starship Enterprise’s kitchen. A couple of MacGyver bobby pins and a prayer later…Nancy Sinatra was born.
These boots are made for tappin’.
The Short Version: JoJo’s Biker Chick rebel even had an arm tattoo and received an Abby Lee Miller High Clap. Mackenzie’s Surfer Acrobat received the Abby Lee Miller ‘Close To Perfection’ blessing and I almost spit my soda out. And Maddie’s tap routine almost knocked that same damn weave out a third time.
You that thing bouncing? She had Muppet Head. There. I said it.
I don’t know which Muppet. I forget. But it’s the one who popped up and down out of a hole while he was singing with Kermit and his hair kept flapping around the whole time.
As opposed to waacking around. Which was one of the style of vogueing dances incorporated into the group routine.
Waacking. The More You Know.
And how ’bout dat group dance? Awesome.
Travis nailed it. The girls looked amazeballs in his new (…coming soon!…) line of dance wear. Half Arianna, Half Janet and completely not lyrical…the ALDC killed it. They even whipped the hair and hit the Nae Nae…mmmkay?
And then the Awards were handed out. Which you knew were a big deal because some girl brought out one of those big sticks from iParty that you pull back like a hunting rifle and then confetti pops out. Money’s no object for Center Stage.
JoJo got 3rd. Maddie got 2nd. Mackenzie got First.
Wait. What?
You heard me. Mackenzie beat Maddie.
And everyone freaked. But not all in the good way.
This is also when all that editing or not editing drama came into play. It was a hot mess.
Did Melissa really diss Mackenzie and say that Maddie should have won? Did Maddie diss Mackenzie by not being happy for her own sister and copping an attitude? Was Maddie really mad that she ‘only’ got Second Place, which is usually the First Loser?
Why was everyone rolling their eyes and making so many faces? They know they’ll never beat a HollyFace. Why was everyone crying and sulking when we know the Moms love and support all the kids? And why did Abby say that Mackenzie was already working on her second record when they’re not even called ‘records’ anymore?
Fercryinoutloud. It’s 2015, woman.
This is also when I’m glad this recap has gone on way too long and I can end it without having to deal with any of these issues. I’m still not big on having any adult conversations.
I get nervous whenever they pop up.
Which reminds me.
You should totally watch the Dance Moms SuperFan Takeover shows that are running after the normal Dance Moms episodes.
I find them to be slightly hilarious. Just saying.
#ShamelesslyPimpYourselfOut.
The End.
