Without my super hero headband, I can’t control my hair or my feet. What’s happening to me?
I’m sick of this S***! And I’m sick of this blog making it look like all I do is F***ing swear. F*** him and his F***ing blog!!
Trust me on this one, Christi. No matter how bad it seems…pop on a nice pair of booty shorts and it’s all good in the ‘hood.
Aw. Hell. Nah.
S***! Can you spit on her again? I had my thumb over the lens. F***ing iPhone.
Sorry to bother you girls. I was looking for the Material Girl Madonna Costume Party. Which way is the lobby?
Dance Moms Game: Grab your Sharpie and glitter pen and help give Kamryn a new headband!
This is the deal.
Save those tears for your pillow.
Or maybe Nationals.
Whatever works for you.
It was the last Dance Moms episode of the season, and Abby Lee Miller was working overtime to put the ‘final’ in ‘finale’ for at least one of her tiny dancers.
Remember the old Warner Brothers Roadrunner cartoon when the Coyote would be racing down the highway with a rocket strapped to his skateboard and all of the sudden the asphalt would just end and he’d go flying over the edge of a cliff and presumably never be heard from again? Remember that?
A highway that always seemed to end in some kind of drama. Or explosion. Or both.
I think back then it was referred to as the Acme Interstate or something.
Nowadays they just call it The Road to Nationals.
Grab a snack. It’s gonna be a long one.
With only one day to go before the final competition, the Original Recipe ALDC Team stood side-by-side with the New Team in their makeshift Los Angeles rental as Abby laid down the DanceLaw one last time.
The Old Team’s ‘Amber Alert’ group dance was a hot mess. The New Team’s ‘Hollywood Stars’ routine needed to be flawless or they would all be sitting on those sidewalk stars outside of Grauman’s Chinese Theater begging for change and looking for new jobs.
And as for the soloists…Kendall needed to prove that she could step out of Maddie‘s shadow once and for all and finally come into her own. Chloe needed to regain her confidence and figure out how to get the sparkle back in her eyes that she used to have before Abby sucked it all out with a Dairy Queen Blizzard straw.
(Spoiler Alert: Run. Just RUN. And never look back.)
And Kamryn needed to figure out who stole all her glitter headbands asap, because her battery power clearly comes from those titanium cranium wraps.
(That was also a Spoiler Alert.)
Side note: I love Kendall’s wide-eyed innocence. She always looks like she just realized this show was being filmed for television. Never lose that, ok? And tell your Mom I love her, but not in a creepy way.
Before the girls began their final day of rehearsals, Holly raised her hand and politely asked if there were going to be any more solos at the competition. OhNoSheDin’t.
Yes, she did. Dr. Beyoncé don’t play. Especially when she’s already three hours behind in sleep, thank you very much West Coast time change.
As you’ll recall, last week Maddie was caught on some kind of hidden security camera practicing a solo routine while everyone else was back at the hotel having breakfast.
I know, right? Who knew the same technology used by Taco Bell to make sure employees don’t lick the soda nozzles could be also used to bust a dancer getting (…allegedly…) special treatment from Abby and her sidekick Gia.
Maddie wanted to do a solo at Nationals. Duh. Who wouldn’t? But my girl Melissa stood up for the other dancers and stated that three solos was enough this week, which made Abby wonder why MrsZ was suddenly more concerned about her friendship with the other Moms than the pimping out of her own daughter. It was starting to get a little weird.
Side note: Tami wasn’t wearing booty shorts.
I repeat: Tami was NOT wearing booty shorts.
She was, however, rocking a pair of metallic gladiator stilettos that reminded me I needed to return my Julius Caesar porno tape to Redbox before I get charged a late fee.
That was a joke, people. They weren’t hooker shoes. And Redbox doesn’t sell porn at grocery stores. That would be gross. People eat there.
PS…We heart Tami.
As the girls got to dancing, we scooted across the street to the Candy Apples rehearsal space where Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein had her own bushel of crazy going on.
Choreographer du jour Chehon Wespi-Tschopp (…say that 3X fast…) was busy messing with my spellcheck and putting the Apple Cores through a bootleg Chandelier routine that was created solely to mess with Abby’s head.
Yeah, that Chandelier song. 1, 2, 3 Drink. 1, 2, 3 Drink.
(My new Dance Moms theme song, BTW. Living on the Bar Floor.)
As long as Lifetime already paid the rights to use the song we might as well stick it in every scene, right? I’m pretty sure I even heard it playing in the hotel elevator when my MomCrush Jill ran back upstairs to get her Emergency Bump-It.
(Today’s Jill Vertes Fashion Tip: Always carry a spare in case you get a flat.)
While Lady Killer Lucas Triana did that one leg up in the air thing that I swear he’ll do for his freakin’ Senior Pictures, Mom Joanne Morales made it clear that not only did she agree with Cathy’s song choice, but FYI…she had the buzzed-on-the-side haircut long before Lucas got it done down at SuperCuts.
I swear. They both have the same hair. Go look.
Back at the fake ALDC studio, Holly, Melissa and Jill were uncomfortably sitting on a pile of crash pads looking like those three SeeNoEvil monkeys in the gift shop as they tried to process the mess they were observing. (Some chairs would have been nice, right?)
This ‘Amber Alert’ thing was not working out well at all, so Abby told Maddie to just leave and go work on her own solo.
Hold up. Then wouldn’t that mean that the group number, which was supposed to be the most important number, would not get the rehearsal time it needed to guarantee a First Place win?
I wonder how Nia felt about that.
Let’s just say you don’t need to swab the inside of Sasha Nia’s mouth to know that she shares the same DNA as Holly. That kid is wise beyond her years and wasn’t liking the idea one bit as she got all UmHellooooCanWeJustPractice? on Abby.
And then the Moms all headed outside, because they always do their best throw downs in hallways and back alleys. You should know that after four seasons.
Holly couldn’t believe that Melissa hadn’t said anything when Abby sent Maddie out of the room. It would have been the perfect opportunity for everyone to settle a few of these ongoing MamaDrama issues. But whatever. Ok, then. Whatever. Whatever. Everyone got angry. Especially Melissa, who swore so much that all the censor bleeps turned into one long noise that made me go check my smoke alarm just to be on the safe side.
(Does the Censor Button Guy get paid by the beep? Cuz if he does, sign me up for this show, please. This is way better than Mob Wives.)
It was pretty windy out there, too. Seeing Christi come close to flashing her MomStuff to all of America was almost as traumatizing as seeing Jill’s bangs getting messed up.
Once everyone came back inside and got their hair under control, the girls continued working on their solos while the Moms addressed how fractured their MomGroup was now. Melissa was sulking. Christi was texting. Holly was being Holly. And Jill kept flipping the back of her hair like she was trying to shake out leaves or something. It really was a wind tunnel out in that alley.
Abby got all up in Christi’s face about Chloe’s lack of enthusiasm and drive. She even said something about Chloe sucking, which was not cool at all. Christi called her a Wicked Witch. Abby cackled and said she was flying away on her broom stick.
And then Christi said “Good, I hope you get hit by a truck” which didn’t make any sense since there’s no such thing as a flying truck.
Side note: Pet Peeve. If you’re gonna film all these crazy a** scenes out of sequence, please make sure you take all the clocks off the wall or blur them out of the shots.
Seriously. That clock in the rehearsal room had me so messed up I didn’t know when to take my pie out of the oven. Is it 2:30 or not?
A few minute later (..or not, maybe…) Christi confronted Chloe about the missing sparkle in her eyes. Chloe started breaking my heart right around here somewhere. Her spunk had left the building. Nothing to see here. Keep it moving.
Unfortunately, Christi got flustered and stormed off. Whatever. I can’t make you want to dance. Which made Chloe and me feel even worse. But luckily Jill was there for some unintentional comic relief.
Did you see her checking out Chloe? At first she was all sad-like and Mom-like and looked as though she was about to hug her, but then suddenly she just looked her up and down like You’reNotReallyWearingThatOutOfTheHouseAreYou? 
Moms. Hilarious.
There was a lot of crying. Some yelling. And then more crying. Clearly, the moral of the story was that Chloe was about to lose all power to her engine boosters and plummet out of orbit, burning up as she reentered the Earth’s atmosphere. Burning up. Burning out.
Same diff. And Twitter was not liking it one bit.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Cathy and her crew had apparently found time to go apple picking on their way to the auditorium (…who knew that downtown LA had so many orchards…) and started handing out shiny red souvenirs to everyone outside the venue as soon as they arrived.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m a big fan of free stuff, but when everyone on the sidewalk started holding them up above their heads like Olympic torches, the whole thing got a little too Hitler Nazi for my tastes.
Side note: I need to know who that was driving Abby’s van. Did you see that? It was like an older kid or Soccer Mom or something. And did she have one of those TLC cheerleading bows in her hair? The whole thing was so awesomely distracting that I almost didn’t notice Abby falling out of the van like she just had hip surgery.
I love this show. Except when little kids cry.
Saddest Moment Ever: Chloe telling her Mom she wants to win, but doesn’t know how.
Insert heartbreak here: ____________________.
And then the ALDC found out that the Candy Apples would be dancing to Chandelier and the party really got started.
Melissa and Abby stormed into the Candy Apples dressing room to (…allegedly…) spit on Cathy and tell her that she couldn’t have Sia as her new BFF because she was already their BFF.
Abby then tried to convince Maddie to do the Chandelier solo on stage and shove her MTV Video Awards trophy down Cathy’s throat at the same time, but Maddie declined.
Waymin. What? That’s totally how Abby reacted.
Holly pointed out that, once again, Melissa couldn’t do the right thing and had left all the heavy lifting to her child. Then I remembered that MamaZ had two kids on this show and realized that I hadn’t seen Mackenzie for almost an hour.
Kendall’s solo was amazing. A million spins. She made Mom proud.
Chloe’s solo was good, but you could tell her enthusiasm was about on par with the choreography Abby had given her. I liked her one-sleeved outfit and the fact that she had grown another 6 inches, but it was clear that she was running on fumes after having all the spunk syphoned out of her tank over the last four years.
Side note: Were those sunlamp bulbs that they used to light up the studio audience? Holy burn-out, Batman. Bright enough? Yeeesh. I had to go get my tanning goggles.
Kamryn’s solo started off like a diva performance, complete with a fancy red holiday gift wrap bow from Bloomingdale’s stuck on her head, until she tried running backwards and fell on her badonkadonk. Ouch.
But she covered it like a true rockstar with a quick backwards somersault into a split kind of thing that I’m totally trying when I wipeout on the ice this winter.
Backstage, Abby hugged Kamryn, even though every other ALDC dancer who had ever done a face plant on stage got at least one night in Solitary and their headshot taped to the bottom of the Pyramid.
Holly got all ExcuseMe? and then Nia got all YeahWhatSheSaid and then I confirmed once again that the two of them are definitely related.
Check my temp. I think I got FrazierFever, cuz I’m burning up.
And then the Award for The Most Awkwardly Awkward Dance Moms Mom Moment went to Brigette Triana and her boom box cellphone and whatever that was she was wearing.
I swear.
Everyone in the building suddenly heard that damn Chandelier song again (…why not, right?…we already paid for it…) and looked up to see Brigette standing in the same bright light that the little lady in Poltergeist stood in right before she got herself sucked into the bedroom closet, just chilling out in the doorway with her phone up in the ayah like a Hitler apple, yo.
Wait. What?
If that loud music was coming from that puny little phone, Mama T has a waaaaay better Sprint plan than I do.
Maybe I just watch too much Bring It! or still have Nia’s Dance Contest burned into my brain…but when Maddie shoved her way to the front of the room and busted out a Chandelier Stand Battle I just ’bout lost my noodle.
She was all like 1, 2, 3 Drink! Boom! Bam! Pow! F*** off, bitch…dat’s MY song.
Dead. I was dead.
The Candy Apples Chandelier dance couldn’t compare to that, even though I thought they might get a few extra points for looking like Power Rangers. Or chewable vitamins. I couldn’t decide. Which is probably why I wasn’t asked to judge Nationals this year.
Maddie’s face, tho.
The Amber Alert child abduction dance was straight up goose bumpy, if that’s even a word. Not gonna lie. When Nia snatched MackZ off the street and shoved her into that lifeguard chair I got a little spooked.
And where did all that hair come from? Was it just me? Or my Bring It! obsession again?
Was MackZ wearing a weave? Dang.
Side note: Jeanette Sighting in the audience. Stalk much?
The Scores: Kendall only came in 9th. She was robbed. Chloe came in 5th. Abby was not happy. The New Team pulled in 2nd on their group routine. But got smoked by the Old Team’s First Place showing.
The Wrap-Up: Clearly, nothing good ever happens in a hallway.
Kendall cried and Christi and Abby went at it one last time. These kids put you on the map. Something about a fat body. Chloe’s washed up. What did you say? Christi even tried to rip down the production barrier curtain like she was Dorothy on crack going after the Wizard for his money.
Whoa. Just whoa.
Crying. Screaming. And then Christi realized that Abby had finally crossed the line and it was time to go. For ever.
If you have any heartbreak left, insert here: ___________________.
And then they were gone. Right out the fire doors.
Go towards the light, Chloebird. Go towards the light.
Oh. And the New Team got booted out of the ALDC. Thanks for playing, but we don’t need you anymore. Nobody on the New Team seemed very happy with that decision.
And then there were three.
Moms, that is. And four kids.
Who’s going to the new ALDCLA? Any one?
Guess we’ll have to wait until next season to find out.
I miss Chloe already.
See you at the Reunion.
