Just so we’re clear. You’re a guest in my house. And my hair was straight when I walked in the door.
It’s easy, sweetie. I just always pretend there’s frosting on his face like this… Nom Nom Nom.
Now we’re talking. Lemme just put some new elastics on my braces and we’ll start this party.
Yeah. Not so much. But if I could pry Kendall’s Mom off Zac Efron? Totes McGotes yeah.
Long as everyone’s handing out kisses, somebody with sunglasses on her head is wearing flavored Chapstick.
I hope I don’t hurt any of the kids when I throw myself through that plate glass window.
I dunno. I can’t explain my hair, either. The box said it was easy but I didn’t have time to read the directions.
It’s true, you know.
Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.
And girls make crazy faces when kissing boy’s braces. Or something like that.
I forget exactly how it goes. But regardless, you heard it here first.
Dance Moms was back this week and clearly our little bunheads are growing up. Gone are the days of just counting how many somersaults Mackenzie can do before she loses another baby tooth on stage. Now her name is MackZ, yo. She’s got some pretty substantial Big Girl teeth coming in and an iTunes download moving up the charts.
Then there’s Maddie in that punk white Sia wig, getting all tangled up in hotel curtains, clinging to music video door frames and just generally freaking me out a little.
I mean, did you see her in that skin colored leotard getting all jiggy wid it? Next thing you know she’ll be kissing boys, I tell you. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.
First things first. Which is always The Pyramid of Shame.
As everyone trampled in for another round of geometric humiliation, it was obvious that the herd had thinned a bit. After scooping up their second First Place trophy in two weeks, the New Team had already been given a week off as a reward for their hard work.
Really? Two weeks on. One week off? Not a bad gig if you can get it. Where do I sign?
Hopefully, the New Team was putting the time off to good use.
I’m thinking the Mall, maybe.
Jeanette‘s lawyer had mentioned to me in the Cease & Desist paperwork that she wanted to hit up some legging/jegging sales at (…anywhere but…) Forever 21, so this week was probably as good a time as any to get it done. Tami definitely needed some new pants, because I can’t imagine that she wears those booty shorts year round. I remember seeing on the Weather Channel that it gets really cold in Pittsburgh.
And you know Tracey needed to get something done with that bald spot in the back of her head. There can’t be anything left back there after Tami snatched it during that whole front desk football tackle fiasco last week.
As for the other two Moms, Loree clearly already goes to Ann Taylor Loft every week, so she probably wouldn’t be tagging along. And I’m sure Jodi was tied up helping Kamryn prepare for her bar exam or city council campaign or whatever the hell Little Miss OverAchiever 2014 was doing to keep herself busy during the break.
We love Kammie, if that’s her nickname. Or the Kia Kamster, which I prefer.
Moral of the story: All the newbies were MIA.
Except for shaky pup Sarah H., that is. She stuck around as a “guest” of the Original Recipe Team this week. Which meant that her Mom Christy (…with a Y…) also somehow snuck back in the building when Security went outside for a cigarette.
I’m thinking that even Abby is getting tired of the Pyramid lately, because once again it was just a straight line of photos with one straggler above the rest. Seriously. I could have done that myself with a yardstick and some double stick tape.
The entire Original Recipe Team was on the bottom because of their (…alleged…) bad attitude, both on and off the stage, when the New Team scored First Place last week.
Which meant that Sarah was on top by default, since she had performed with the winning group. Which also meant that Holly and her soon-to-be patented HollyFace got all like SayWhaaa-?! and my MomCrush Jill did that eye roll thing that makes her bangs flick.
Did I already mention that it was also National Dress Your Mom In Black And White And Take Her To Work Day? Because it totally was.
Every single Mom. Black and White. Like they were doing back-up for the Rhythm Nation Tour or something. Even that New Mom.
And she had on horizontal stripes, which…well, you know…
This week they were headed to In10sity Dance Competition in Cleveland, Ohio. Candy Apple’s turf. Cue the drama.
The group routine was called “Broken Dolls” since…der…they were all broken dolls after losing two weeks in a row. The Moms felt that the girls were neither broken dolls nor sore losers, but had simply seen through Abby’s SetUpToFail master plan and reacted realistically when the results were announced.
Abby felt that she should just ignore their completely logical point of view and instead pimp out her recent appearance on Dancing With The Stars a few hundred times.
If you didn’t take a shot every time she mentioned DWTS and pass out before the first commercial break, then you learned that there was also going to be a DWTS-inspired duet entitled “That Girl Has Got To Be Kissed” starring Maddie and…wait for it…Gino Cosculluela. (Insert tweeny bop swoon here, please: ____________ )
Gino is a tiny little charmer who looks like a CNN anchor and used to dance up in Ohio at the Evil Dance Lair. He also always freaks out my Macbook’s auto spellcheck. His Dad Mickey (…like the Mouse…) got a little nutty on Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein the last time we saw him but apparently had not been buried alive behind the Beef Jerky Outlet as reported previously.
If Mickey was a Bronx Butcher he would totally be the kind of Bronx Butcher who throws meat against the wall if the cut isn’t right and then says something bad with his hands.
Father and Son would be arriving later. Hold that thought.
Meanwhile, up in Ohio, Cathy was wasting no time getting right down to business.
And under Abby’s skin.
She was also messing up my television’s HD color balance buttons a little with whatever was going on with that new hair cut of hers. Whoa. It was like her original striped crazy hair was back, but cranked up a notch or two with the addition of a few chunky pieces that the stylist forgot to snip off. Sometimes it even looked like she had just ripped the bleaching cap off out back and ran in for her scenes. Looking a little moist up there.
One of the dreamy Nicks on her team was off in Spain doing something this week. And Zack Attack Torres was doing something extra curricular with his dance, which I thought was strange since I always considered dance to already be extra curricular. But whatever.
So in their place were newbies Evan and Alyssa. A duet team to go up against the ALDC duet team, of course.
Evan was a cutie who kind of looked like he was wearing fake 1920′s hair and should have a Clark Gable mustache if he was old enough to grow one. His Mom Vida had those big earrings you buy on Martha’s Vineyard when it’s too rainy to go to the beach.
Alyssa looked like she could be on DWTS in a few years (…shotski!…) but her Mom Meredith looked too young to actually be her Mom. I’m going to need to see her driver’s license and then find out what moisturizer she uses.
The only two recognizable Moms left at the CADC were Brigette and Joanne. We like Brigette because she’s always posting Twitter pictures and her kids are Lady Killers. And of course we like Jo because she flipped every switch in the building that time Lucas called her kid a pissy little bitch, or whatever it was he said.
Chaos Cathy also had to finagle a new guest choreographer this time around since she had made Anthony Burrell so mad that he took off to do that Raising Asia Show. And this time it was a doozy: John Culbertson.
He’s the gentleman who may or may not have noodled Abby back in the day (…she does like her boys named John…) and has a Crest White Strips smile that won’t go away. I’m sure you’ll remember him when you see him. I don’t know if he bleaches his teeth or just always has a Miami tan, but you could read books without a nightlight if he was under the covers smiling up at you.
And that totally didn’t come out the way I intended it, but you get where I was going with it.
The next day it was National Dress Your Mom In Pastels And Take Her To Work Day as the ALDC ladies hit the MomPerch during rehearsals.
According to the Frazier Frizz-O-Meter, the stress level had dramatically increased in only 24 hours. I will go to my grave believing that the more curl in Dr. Beyoncé‘s hair: the more anxiety in the room. You are welcome to go back and check the tapes from any previous season if you don’t believe me and my completely unscientific research claims.
Maybe I should have Kamryn do a thesis on it or something. It’ll give her something to do after she splits a few atoms in the lab and lands on Pluto.
As soon as Christ-y All Might-y started doing what she does best, Holly was all like “You’re a guest and that’s how it works.” Two snaps. Now hand me my hot rollers.
Back in Ohio, John was still smiling.
And then Maddie kissed Gino. Eventually, anyway.
First they had to dork all over each other and giggle and run away to get Cootie Shots and then come back and wait for Maddie to completely melt down while Gino stood there looking like he’d just seen his first Playboy magazine. Slow it down and re-watch it a few times. If you don’t have acid flashbacks to your first cafetorium dance, then you’re lying.
You also know that Gino’s gonna put his retainer in that little black t-shirt pocket when it’s supposed to be in his mouth.
Finally, it was Kiss Time! And they did it. On the lips. And then Maddie guaranteed Gino about 17 years of psychological shock therapy by running out of the studio like some rabid raccoon had jumped out of a garbage can and bitten her straight in the face.
Gah. Chicks.
As the competition date grew closer, rehearsals finished up just under the wire as Christ-y kept getting more and more un-Christ-y like with Mickey. She went a few rounds with him over whether Gino or Sarah should become part of the ALDC crew before he bailed on that crazy bitch and went downstairs to show Gino how a real man kisses the owner of a dance studio.
Wait. What?
Thank you Christ-y for stopping that one before it burned into my plasma screen. Mickey wet kissing Abby is not something I need in my life right now, thank you.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Since the event was being held in Ohio, all the Candy Apple groupies were on site with their hilariously bedazzled glitter glue poster paper signs and high pitched screams. Something about how Brigette was carrying her giant coffee cup into the building also struck me as funny. Not sure why.
Once everyone got settled into their makeup rooms, Abby found out that one of her many Johns was in the building and scooted out into the lobby for an emotionless hug. Hope she didn’t get any of that fake tan on her during that fake hug.
(Come on. JC had to be wearing some bronzer. That tan was way too perfect, even by Miami standards. Ask Brigette. He was the same color as her Starbucks.)
I’m just jealous, Johnny. Still friends?
Evan and Alyssa’s duet was great. She was all flowy and fluttery. He was all business on the top, party on the bottom. How he managed to score a pair of Tami’s booty shorts in his size is beyond me.
Dude. Not cool. Not even with a fake mustache. I don’t ever want to see those again.
Maddie and Gino made out (…pun totally intended…) just fine in their DWTS-inspired duet. With his little pink tie, Gino looked even more like he should be sitting in for Anderson Cooper while he’s on assignment in Iraq. Propped up on a couple of phonebooks, Gino totally has the forehead for news.
Both groups did well. The Candy Apples “Conspiracy” dance looked like a bunch of Sheraton Bell Boys who had accidentally stumbled upon enemy secrets when somebody’s suitcase popped open in the elevator. It was pretty slick.
The ALDC girls were broken ballerina dolls, complete with pink tutus and Pinocchio elbow joints. Unfortunately, Chloe fell in slow motion coming out of a turn and that got Abby a little twisted in the audience.
But it didn’t effect their score, because the busted ballet took First Place, with the Candy Apples coming in Second Place.
The results were reversed in the Duet category, however, partly due to Gino showing too much CNN face and not enough of the ALDC version. Abby didn’t like that and demanded that Gino and his Dad immediately evacuate the premises like they had just stolen something. Not even a goodbye kiss. After all that practice.
And then finally, since they were in Ohio and all, it was time for a quick hallway confrontation with Cathy. The usual fat jokes and big nose jokes and then something about a $40 cow, which went right over my head since I’ve never priced cows in the open market.
There was also one of those plastic shelving units that Honey Boo Boo Child and her Mama use to stack all their mayonnaise directly behind all the Dance Moms while they were bickering. It was for the Lost & Found, according to the sign, which I thought was odd since people could easily just walk right by and steal stuff off the shelves while everyone was looking at Cathy’s a**.
But I guess that would count as ‘Found.’
And then it was over for another week.
Until next time…
Muah.
Kisses.
