Dance Moms: The ALDC Is Back And Better Than Ever! Hate To Burst Your Hamster Bubble…But They Be Rollin’.

Why is this big star stuck on the window when I specifically ordered it for my dressing room?

Look at her face! That is so totally the shade of blue eye shadow I want for my next video.

Now just hold on. Siri says a person can live without air for 4 minutes. Isn’t the song 5 minutes?

Just let Mommy clean this for you and then we can watch Dance Moms.

If we lose her, that new kid wears the same size jacket so I’m not gonna stress myself out over it.

I don’t care who you are, lady. Just get your team and your personal paparazzi photog outta here.

Srsly. If it’s gonna take 30 minutes to set up that stage, we’re gonna need 2 hotdogs over here.

So.

Not to get deep or anything.  But.

You ever feel like sometimes you’re just going ’round and ’round in circles?

Like you’re making progress and yet going nowhere at the same time?  Like that elusive water bottle of Life is just within reach but then all of the sudden your emergency release hatch zipper is on the wrong side?  Why does that always seem to happen?

Why can’t Life just be easy all the time?

And why is this kitten even inside a hamster ball in the first place?  Where’s the hamster?

Which reminds me.

Dance Moms is back.

After a brief hiatus for some summer sun, fun and new extensions (…yeah…I’m looking at you, MomCrush Jill…) the whole gang is back in bidnezz at the new ALDCLA studio.

Everyone except Kira, that is.

In Real Time, she’s already delivered a redoinkulously cute newborn and literally HashTagged #BabyJett so many times that I feel she owes me money for baby sitting.

But in TV Time, Kira’s still L’eggo My Preggo and back home waiting for his arrival.

I mean…c’mon.  Look at this little peanut playing his imaginary saxophone.

Sup, playskool playas?

During Kira’s absence, Melissa has taken over legal guardianship of Kalani, just in case her appendix bursts on the bus, I guess.

At first I thought maybe MamaZ had just traded kids for a week, because Maddie was clearly MIA as everyone strolled and HoverRolled up to the studio.

Side note:  Nothing personal, JoJo and Mackenzie, but can I tell you how much I’m already OVER this hoverboard craze?  I swear.  I’m sure they’re wicked fun and all.  And they look so sci-fi that I’m totally a little jealz that the inner ear infection I had when I was 6 years old still makes me fall down escalators if I try to ride them backwards.

But if I see one more Mall Cop trying to chase down Marty McFly in the food court…

I swear.

Turns out that Maddie was off somewhere filming a movie that was being directed by the same guy who did Jurassic World.  Remember when Chris Pratt was pudgy?

To recap.  Maddie: Nowhere to be found.  Kendall:  Standing right there in front of Abby.

You do the math.  Because Jill certainly did.

Side note:  Check it out.  They finally got rid of those size 3T tutus that have been hanging behind everyone’s head for 5 years.  I swear the pink one was from Chloe‘s first ballet class.  I miss ChloeBird and Christi.  And Kelly and Paige and Brooke, too.  Shout out!

Once everybody got comfortably situated inside the shiny new ALDCLA, Abby immediately laid down the law.  After losing out at last season’s Nationals to Jeanette Cota and her BDA troupe (…kinda sorta the Team Formally Known As Candy Apples…) the ALDC was going back to its roots.

Dance.  Dance.  More Dance.  And then nothing but Dance.

That’s right.  You heard me.  A moratorium on extracurricular activities.

It didn’t matter that the whole point of uprooting everyone and shipping them FedEx from PA to LA was to boost their careers and open up a whole new world of opportunities.

Nope.  Psych.

My girl Nia Sioux (…“Excuse me, Boo…you’re in my way”…) didn’t make this face until the end of the show, but she made one almost exactly like it when Abby announced the new ruling.  So it still works.  Plus, it’s too good to waste at the bottom of this recap when you’re all zoning out.

#WhatchooTalkinBoutAbby?

Gurrrrl, pleez.  You tell me she’s not her mother’s daughter.  I mean, like…

We love Holly so much.

Side note:  New #LifeGoal is to walk by the front window of that studio and have my face blurred out like I’m running from the cops.  How do we make this happen?

Needless to say, the next few minutes were nothing but trying to figure out why Maddie could go off and film a movie which was clearly an extracurricular activity while the rest of the girls were not allowed to do extracurricular activities like filming a movie and then Jill got kind of loud and then Kendall went…

I’m not really sure why someone felt the need to insert those Honey Boo Boo Child subtitles since Kendall was already yelling at the top of her lungs, but whatev.

Honestly, I was more concerned with who they paid off at city hall to keep all those parking spots empty in front of the studio for the next 8 months.

You see that?  There are never that many empty parking spots in Los Angeles.  Ever.

I’m totally getting a Hertz rental and pulling right up onto the sidewalk this season.  Then you can all watch my blurred out face and a** being towed down the street to the police station.  But I’m not worried, tho, because my boy Bryan Stinson will bail me out.

He’s the one with the Apple Launch headset that Holly almost pushed down at the Reunion Show last season.

Gah.  I don’t care what you say.  I still l love this show.

Oh.  And the girls all got new head shots that were totes mcgotes glamazoned up.

No more little tykes sitting on the floor while Abby spins around the Season One chalkboard.  Our girls are all grown up now.

Programming note:  At today’s performance, the role of Maddie Ziegler will be played by Brynn Rumfallo.  Because Brynn was back!  And  so was her sassy Mom Ashlee.  

I think JoJo had a little BowEnvy when Brynn ran into the studio.  JoJo’s was still bigger, but the last thing you want is anyone moving in on your signature look.

I’m not sure what kind of envy, if any, the Moms were having, but every camera angle made it look like Jessalynn was trying to figure out if Ashlee’s boobs were real or not.

FYI:  The last time Brynn had been with the ALDC was for a performance on Dancing With The Stars, where Melissa had (…allegedly…) told Tom Bergeron that the other girls were all just backup dancers for Maddie.  Needless to day, Ashlee called her out on it as soon as the Moms hit those visibly uncomfortable carpet-covered plywood seats.

Melissa said it never happened and made this face.  Look at that vein in her neck.

But Ashlee kept talking and Melissa kept checking for early signs of an aneurysm.
Ashlee vs. Melissa.  Ashlee vs. Jill.  Ashlee just wasn’t liking it.
Fun Trivia:  That guy from American Idol is a Drag Queen now.
At this week’s Sheer Talent Competition, Brynn scored a solo and JoJo was going to be put into one of those infomercial vacuum sealer bags that you store your winter clothes in when you do spring cleaning.

Well, sorta.

It was was going to be a take off on The Boy In The Plastic Bubble movie.  Which is not to be confused with the Bubble Boy movie starring Jake Gyllenhaal that I posted at the top of all this hilarity, which will still get me hate tweets for the wrong photo even though I’m telling you right now I already know which movie is which.

The Boy In The Plastic Bubble is the one starring John Travolta when he still had Vinny Barbarino hair and bell bottoms even though he’s wearing shorts right now.

Side note:  The irony that most of the people who watch Dance Moms are younger then those kids looking into Vinny’s bubble has not escaped me.  Some of you may need to hit pause and fire up the Google for a few minutes while I sit here getting old.

Somehow Abby found one of those giant inflatable water bubble things, shoved JoJo inside and inflated it until her eardrums burst.

Who knew that Gianna had a leaf blower in her Louis Bag?  What are the chances?

According to the directions, it’s fun for 5 minutes.
And then you die.
This show does like the drama.

Totally unrelated, check out these two hamsters going backwards on a record player.

As they tried to revive JoJo, we scooted over to the BDA to see what they’d been up to all summer.

Jeanette was all like OhHeyGirfriends and tossed it up high.  National Champions, Bitches.  I like her better with straight hair, not that she ever asked for my opinion.

Other stuff happened, but honestly, all that really mattered to me was that the Morales Posse was back in the hizzle.  YAAAAS!  They’re baaaack!

We love Jo and Gavin and McKenzie With No ‘A.’

Remember GDawg’s face when Lucas Triana called him a pissy little bitch?

WTF, dude?

If I recall correctly, Jo even took off her shoes AND earrings and got ready to rumble right before security came in and hosed down Brigette.

This show.  I swear.

Gavin was all like ‘WhoopWhoopHollaBackLadies’ while McKenzie just stood there in utter disbelief that someone would touch her damn head after it took her a solid 45 to get that bun right.

The Short Version:  BDA was going to do their own interpretation of ALDC’s Second Place “Waiting Room” dance from Nationals to show them how it should be done.  And Gavin wears a lot of hair product for lift and shine.

Commence heartbreaking in Three…Two…One.  HowYouDoin?

Back at the ALDCLA, everyone got all excited that Maddie was calling in via satellite.

Because that’s totally what they called it, like she was riding around on the Mars Explorer land rover or something.

It’s called FaceTime, people.  And I still don’t understand why Skype video is blurrier than the actual shots of Mars dirt sent from 783 billion miles away from Earth.  Can’t someone fix that by now?  We can call people on Dick Tracy watches already, fercryinoutloud.

And then Jill opened her mouth and I swear that Holly’s voice came out of it.  F’realz.

Because Jill said that even though they support Abby and will still do things with Abby, she will do whatever it takes to give Kendall the best future possible.

Wait.  What?

I mean.  I’m not saying that someone’s been saying that all along, but…
I mean…
Oy vey.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Maddie was back from Mars for some PepTalk and MovieTalk.  It’s still so funny to see these kids without braces on their teeth.

Did you catch when Ashlee was so busy talking that she sewed Brynn’s headpiece directly into her skull?  That’s gonna leave a mark in the morning.

Q.  Since the girls had never actually done a complete run-through of the group dance without the zipper on JoJo’s airbag jamming, Nia Sioux thankfully piped up and asked Abby what they should do if JoJo flatlined in the middle of the routine and they couldn’t get her unsealed.

A.  Scream FIRE.  Because that’s always the best thing to do in a crowded theater.

Well, at least they had a plan now.

Gavin’s “The Comeback” solo was da bomb.  He was nervous, but Melissa had said earlier in the episode that he would get bonus points for his boy parts, so I wasn’t worried.

(That’s not exactly what she called them, but I’m trying to maintain my borderline PG-13 rating.  Wish I’d known about these points back in the days when I was trying to raise my score at school dances in the cafetorium.  Dang.  Where my trophy at?)

Brynn’s solo was also quite nice and was even introduced by the same voice guy who does “The White Zone is for Loading and Unloading only” announcements at the airport.

Am I wrong?  Did you hear him?

Somebody on Twitter said Brynn’s penché was amazing, so congrats.  I don’t know what that is, but job well done, honey.  Apparently my Macbook Pro doesn’t know either, because it auto-corrected it to ‘peanut’ two times before it stuck on a ballet term.

And then the ALDC hit the stage with HamsterJoJo.

They came out on stage just like this, I swear.

Side note:  That kid with the blue hamster ball is having a bad day.

The ALDC girls danced all around just like this and the audience loved it.

When the BDA hit the stage is when things got a little chaotic.

All they had to do was set up 6 of those plastic dining chairs that you always see outside restaurants that start with the word ‘Metro-sumthin’ and call it a day.  But for some reason, 10 BDA Moms couldn’t get 6 chairs in a straight line.

Worst.  Wedding.  Planners.  Ever.

Abby got the owner of the competition (…who totally looked like my pizzeria guy in the North End…“You gonna order or sit there all day?”…) so worked up that he disqualified them for going over the 1.75 minute rule for prop-setting-upper-people.

Then Jeanette lost her nutty a little and tore off to the judges’ table with Abby following behind her filming the whole thing on her iPhone like she was sending it back out via satellite to the International Space Station.  Swear to Gawd.

Everyone in the audience looked exactly like this…

…until Jo got them all doing some kind of Super Bowl stadium cheer that gave me Life.

Eventually the owner caved and let the BDA perform.  Which, regardless of whose side your on, was a good thing because the dance was important to Jeanette due to the loss of her sister in an accident years ago.  It was a sad story.

Gavin slid all the way onstage on his back.  Totally stealing that move at the club this weekend when my song comes on.  Dat’s rite.  I’m doing The Gavin.

You can’t stop me when the beat drops.

And e’rrybody’s gonna look just like this when they see it.  Somebody hold my drink…

The Results:

Brynn:  First Place.  Gavin:  Second Place.

ALDC:  First Place.  BDA:  Second Place.  Points deducted for lining up 6 chairs that ended up looking like they were on the Titanic right before it went under.

And then it got weird.

Melissa started to cry because Maddie was gone and then back and then going away again.  And then Abby started to cry because Melissa was crying and made this face…

…right before she foreshadowed the future with some cryptic rambling about making mistakes and paying the price and being on TMZ.

Ok.  I made up that last part.  But you know where she was going.

Nia made that face from before…

…and then everyone started scratching their weaves.  What is she talking about?

You know what’s coming.  We all do.

But since I just finished a cheeseburger at Mark Wahlberg‘s new restaurant and then came home to pre-order Teresa Guidice‘s JailBreak tell-all book while lying on markdown Martha Stewart sheets that still weren’t cheap, I’m thinking Abby will somehow come out just fine on the other end.  It’s kind of in her DNA.

That’s a saga for another day, tho.

For now, Dance Moms is back!  We got a whole season to get this party started.

ALDC…dance us out of here, will ya?